Man's Health

Diet & Aerobics

2011-05-04T06:33:00.000-07:00

I'm new here (Downloaded "Power to the People" last night). What role can Diet and aerobics (Sprints, treadmill, etc.) play in this program? I've read Pavel's articles in Muscle Media, and the article on Volume training (It seems there's a difference in that article and what Pavel teaches), but it seems to me that the "Power to the People" routine can put on fat because of the short time to workout, and the breaks between sets. Can anyone share any of their experiences with me? Thanks.

Re:

The PTP won't put on fat- food will. PTP will build dense muscle that will burn more energy than the way it was before even though the size may stay the same. Diet and aerobics will do the same thing to this as it would to any other workout program- make it faster. Get the Natural Hormonal Enhancement book off of this site. For the record I like Bill Philips' "aerobic solution" which makes doing them a lot less boring and his cycle of weights one day and aerobics the next is in line with your body's fat burning/muscle building hormones which probably explains why his mag is so popular (lots of people getting good results) but his diet is ... just read the NHE book.

Confused!

2010-03-17T13:21:00.000-07:00

Question
Hi Di, well here goes, I have been in this relationship for nine years now, and married six. We have three children one boy 6yrs and two girls 7yrs and 9 yrs. He has always been a drinker but what i would call a functional one , he manages his buisness (he is self employed) but has never managed his stress,and with that comes the drink, or the excuse to drink. His father was a heavy drinker and so to are his siblings. My trouble is that when he is sober and not hungover he is lovely,he has a good heart and loves us dearly, but is that enough? i don't know what to do anymore. Its like living with Dr Jeycall an Mr Hyde. When we are with his family and friends things are ok ish as they all know what he is like and kind of accept it(to a degree kind of ish), but with my family and friends its a different matter , he gets drunk rants and raves won't really listen to anyone, he has managed to alienate me from all those i love and care about, i dread going out as it usually ends up with him in a row . He also drinks on his own at home, he comes in from work goes straight up to the study and will drink at least one bottle of red wine often followed with beers, it dosen't sound much but he doesn't eat much ,usually a sandwich during the day then dinner late b 4 passing out .We have been to councelors in the past, and he even managed one session of AA but that only solidified in his head that there was no need for concern as everyone he met were much heavier drinkers than him and he never drinks in the morning, although thats probably because he tends to sleep a very long time, then never has the energy to wan't to do much and tends to be very quiet and withdrawn ,its one extreem to the other, i'm tired and more than anything i am worried about the effect of his behaviour on the children , The lack of respect he has for others more over the lack of respect he has for himself is frightening, and i don't ever ever wan't them to think this is acceptable. Unfortunatley i am financially dependant upon him as i am at university re training and don't have my own money. I have been in this position so many times before saying the same things over and over, i have cried all my tears, i am numb, and hurt and pretty scared about the prospects, i don't want to fail my family, or cause any hurt and i know that is what will happen, and why in the past i have plasterd over the cracks this is when drink gets put away but always slowly creeps back. What is a wife/mummy to do i just don't know any more.

Answer
Hi Helen

I feel for you in this difficult situation and the Jekyll and Hyde behaviour that you have described is very common with people who are alcohol dependent. It is difficult to understand how someone that you love and know to be a good and kind person can change into such a selfish, devious and nasty person after the abusive drinking of alcohol. It doesn?t make him a ?bad? person but alcohol is a mind-altering substance and when consumed in excess causes behavioral and personality changes.

Alcoholics have many different drinking patterns and whilst some start to drink as soon as they get up in the morning, others don't drink until they get home, having managed to function surprisingly well through the day hiding their habit from those around them. "Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors" and while people on the outside may see your husband as the good Dr Jekyll you and your children are seeing the other side of him and taking the brunt of his abusive and unacceptable behavior.

The excuse that AA isn't for him because he's different and not as bad as the other people there, is typical of someone who is in denial and the fact that other members of his family, also heavy drinkers, play along with him adds weight to his argument that he doesn?t have a problem.

Alcoholism is a powerful and complex disease and the affected person will do anything to maintain his habit. The excuses, the lies, the denial and the defensiveness are all part of his survival. Clearly your husband needs to get help but until he accepts that he?s got a problem nothing is likely to change.

You say that when you are with his family things are ?ok ish? and things have got so bad with your friends and family that you have become alienated from them. Is that what you want for you and your children? An ?ok ish? marriage and poor family relationships?

It?s time to confront him with your concerns and the truth of how you are really feeling. I understand that you are feeling powerless because you are financially dependent on your husband and fearful of what the future may hold but unless you take steps to address this, things will only get worse. Clearly things haven?t got bad enough for him yet and he?s not ready to make changes so the only person who can change is you.

You need to work out what you want for you and your children and you need to set boundaries with clear consequences of what will happen if these are broken. I know this won?t be easy for you, but as long as you continue to suffer in silence and continue to prop him up nothing will change and things will get worse.

I strongly recommend that you go to an Al-Anon meeting where you will get support from others in similar situations when making difficult choices and also look at reuniting with members of your own family who will give you love and understanding.

It is not surprising that while you continue to allow yourself to put up with your husband?s alcoholic behavior and abuse that your family have abandoned you. Once they see that you are working on improving things for you and your children they will most likely be there to back you up. Don?t get into the ?Blame Game?, focus on what changes YOU are going to make and stick to them.

You need to pick a time when your partner is sober and be clear, honest and direct in what you have to say. And whatever you do, do NOT try to broach the subject while he is drinking. He will most likely deny that he has a problem, use excuses for his drinking and even try to blame you.

What are his responsibilities? What you are doing for your husband that he needs to be doing for himself. YOU can?t change him, he has to do that for himself and he will only do that when he?s ready but as long as you cover up for him and protect him things will only get worse. You will deteriorate emotionally, psychologically and eventually physically. You need to be strong, not just for yourself but also for your children.

Al-Anon and the love of your family will give you the best support.

I wish you well

Di

You will find where the Al-Anon meetings are for your area on the Internet.

characterics exhibited in an alcoholic

2010-03-17T13:03:00.000-07:00

Question
My husband of 2 years is a recovering alcoholic with 22 years of continuing sobriety. We have experienced some pretty rough "patches" here of late and actually have been going to counseling sessions over the past year. My husband has a lot of anger issues and will lash out pretty much at anyone "available" but moreso me because we have a relationship and are together most often. This behavior happens so frequently that many times I avoid or try to prevent a situation that might anger him, or I just back off hoping whatever the situation is will "go away". These situations can be aggravation while driving in traffic, having to wait for something or someone, a barking dog...there is a long list. My tendency to "shut-down" makes the situation worse, but it can escalate just as quickly if I interact. Don't get me wrong, I make mistakes and there have been legitimate disagreements, but the situations I refer to, I have no participation in the cause, but the resulting anger is directed to me or even the next person he comes in contact with. He has to feel like he's control (his words). One of the biggest issues currently is that when he calms down and apologizes for his behavior, he will tell me that his actions were uncalled for, and then insists that I apologize for "my part" as well. He can't tell me what for, just that it's never fully the fault of only one of the parties. When we were with our counselor this morning, she questioned him on his thinking and he insists that it is a precept taught and learned through the AA program. He believes that healing cannot happen if both people don't accept responsibility, no matter what the situation, both parties are at fault. I do not understand this concept. Is this the way that the "step" is interpreted? When my husband walks in the door, and is angry because someone tailgated him, and then proceeds to be obnoxious in his actions or words, directing it toward me or one of the dogs or maybe the next person on the phone, why would he feel I need to accept partial responsibility? At times he does calm down rather quickly and tell me that he shouldn't have responded in the manner that he did. Most often, when this anger happens with him, and I don't respond or feed into his mood, he will make little comments or "jab", could be about anything, until I either tell him what I think of his behavior or I cry.......either fuels the fire. It's the occasions when his anger lingers that he wants me to say that I am partially to blame. I have asked him to speak with a another doctor or therapist, on his own if he wishes, to concentrate and discuss his lack of control over his anger--and he refuses. Says that's just the way he is. Are these issues part of the alcoholism? Can you give me some suggestions on how to respond and prevent so many flareups? These feelings and reactions that he has have got to be uncomfortable for him. Thanks for your help -- I am sorry this turned out to be so drawn out.

Answer
Lisa,

   Thank you for the questions and for the lengthy explanation. These kind of questions are always better answered with as much detail as possible.

    He is absolutely wrong in his interpretation of the program meaning both are always wrong and both should apologize in every situation. Absolutely wrong. You are never at fault when someone else is upset about something not involving you. Hear me loud and clear on that. I hope your counselor is saying this to you loud and clear as well. If they are not, they may be afraid of his reaction and you need to find another counselor for you alone.

    What he may have heard is that everyone is sick to a degree and everyone would benefit from working a program. It is simply truth that none of us are free of mental and emotional issues. Most people will never address them because we humans have developed sufficient coping skills to suppress things we do not wish to look into. It can be a frightening proposition.

    These issues of his are not associated with alcoholism - alcohol did not cause these; alcohol was the mechanism he used to suppress them and now alcohol is gone and no longer an option. He has had a long long dry drunk because he has never successfully dealt with the reasons for his drinking - anger.

    He will need to do some serious personal psychological work to uncover these and he may never have the capacity to do that. Like I said, it is a very dangerous undertaking and takes a very skilled therapist and perhaps years to accomplish. I wish I could tell you there is a magic pill to take but there is not.

    I do not have much in the way of suggestions for you except you might begin to read up on anger and the damage it causes. There are many good books on this. Perhaps by your reading and educating yourself he may one day look to you for advice but don't expect it. It may be the thing that will give you some comfort knowing that he is ill and it has nothing to do with you. You are not the problem.

    If you have not explored Alanon, I would suggest going to some meetings and getting some friendships started there. Women in that program will understand and help you by being a listening ear and offering you experience for how they handled their situations similar to yours. He does not need to be actively drinking for you to be welcomed in Alanon. Maybe it will prompt him to get to AA and get serious about working the steps again (assuming he ever worked them in the beginning).

    It will also give you a chance to ask yourself do you want to put up with the unhealthy behavior. You have every right to say no to that abuse and you have very right to make some decisions on your own for your future. Sure it will anger him but you must realize he has power over you right now - he has convinced you that you must repent for his outbursts. Nonsense.

    I must be honest with you. This could escalate to some dangerous levels as you begin to take back your power. Be cautious with how you respond to him until you have strength to stand up to him. Do not be afraid to seek help from professionals and police for your safety.

    He may never be able to deal with the underlying issues from his childhood. Perhaps he is not supposed to do so. We don't know. Only God knows those things.

    I hope this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,

Clyde

Alcoholic brother over for Thanksgiving

2010-03-17T12:45:00.000-07:00

Question
Hi Druideck,

My name is Katrina and I am 21 years old. I have a brother who is 26 and has been suffering alcoholism for about 5 years now. It mostly began when his father died. I have tried everything to help him, and I thought he hit his bottom after he rolled his car 4 times drunk, breaking his leg and 6 of his ribs. He was required to go to jail for a few days and to do a treatment program as well as AA. I talked to him about his experience and he said it was good except AA because it was "stupid".

My brother is generally a very kind and outgoing person, at least he was before his disease. Shortly after he was "enlightened," he began drinking again and continues to do so from the time he wakes up until he goes to bed.

My mother is also an alcoholic, but on a lesser extent. She is an enabler for my brother. I have been in a sense "taking care" of my brother since his alcoholism began. I am the closest person to him in the world, and I still haven't been able to help him. I have tried being angry, upset, and helpful and nothing has worked. He has attempted suicide once before and threatens it all the time. He has told me directly, "I just want to kill myself. I want to fall asleep and never wake up." This concerns me because his father died the same way by an overdose on oxy-contin and his grandmother overdosed on an entire bottle of sleeping pills two years ago. I am very concerned for his life.

On another note, I am having him and my mother over for Thanksgiving next week. I don't know what to do. Should I tell him there is no drinking allowed at all? Should I put him on a limit? I do not want him to be drunk when he is here. I just don't know what to do. I am worried that if I tell him he can't drink here then he will not come at all.

Please help.

Answer
Hi Katrina,

I know it is hard to watch someone you

care about going downhill with

alcoholism. It is important that

you do not take too much responsibility

for him as this is an illness that

is not controllable and you can

not make it better or worse by what you do

or do not do for him.

If he is to recover it will be by his choice

and no one else can force him to recover.

He has not hit bottom or he would be willing

to stay in AA and pay attention to

what he calls "stupid".

I myself am proof that AA works as

I am 24 years sober with my start in AA.

Alcoholics need a program for living

that can only be developed through AA's

twelve step process. This helps them

with support and in developing

better thought patterns and

they learn how to avoid relapses back

into drinking.

I fear your brother is doomed to more

pain and suffering if he does not

wake up from his denial and his refusal

to get help. Alcoholics have

much false pride that prevents them

from being honest about how bad

things are in their life.

They like to pretend they are in control

of themselves when everybody can see that they are not.

If you tell him no drinking that sends him a positive

message saying you do not approve of his behaviour.

If you condone his drinking just to have him

present then you are saying it is okay with you

if he keeps drinking.

You are also enabling if you put up with

his drinking or approve of it in any way.

He needs to know that it is unacceptable.

The next time he rolls a car he could kill

himself or somebody elses loved ones.

There is no excuse for him to continue

with his family making any excuses for this.

Be the first to stand up and say "no more",

this is what will send him the message that

may wake him up. He will die from alcoholism

and it may not be suicide it might just

be another accident.

The only thing you can really do to stop

this illness is to stop making excuses for

him to drink. If he stops showing up

then at least he gets the message

that what he is doing is not okay anymore.

I know you want what is best for him,

so letting him drink at thanksgiving

is no reward it is just helping

and enabling him to his demise

as is any behaviour that excuses his

drinking.

Please take care of yourself first.

Alcoholic brother

2010-03-17T12:27:00.000-07:00

Question
Hello,

My name is Katrina and I am 21 years old. I have a brother who is 26 and has been suffering alcoholism for about 5 years now. It mostly began when his father died. I have tried everything to help him, and I thought he hit his bottom after he rolled his car 4 times drunk, breaking his leg and 6 of his ribs. He was required to go to jail for a few days and to do a treatment program as well as AA. I talked to him about his experience and he said it was good except AA because it was "stupid".

My brother is generally a very kind and outgoing person, at least he was before his disease. Shortly after he was "enlightened," he began drinking again and continues to do so from the time he wakes up until he goes to bed.

My mother is also an alcoholic, but on a lesser extent. She is an enabler for my brother. I have been in a sense "taking care" of my brother since his alcoholism began. I am the closest person to him in the world, and I still haven't been able to help him. I have tried being angry, upset, and helpful and nothing has worked. He has attempted suicide once before and threatens it all the time. He has told me directly, "I just want to kill myself. I want to fall asleep and never wake up." This concerns me because his father died the same way by an overdose on oxy-contin and his grandmother overdosed on an entire bottle of sleeping pills two years ago. I am very concerned for his life.

On another note, I am having him and my mother over for Thanksgiving next week. I don't know what to do. Should I tell him there is no drinking allowed at all? Should I put him on a limit? I do not want him to be drunk when he is here. I just don't know what to do. I am worried that if I tell him he can't drink here then he will not come at all.

Please help.

Answer
Hello Katrina,

Thank you for your question. I understand your predicament and I feel sorry for you.

The first thing is to understand the Cycle of Addiction which your brother is in and into which you have become entrapped. By understanding that addiction is a physiological illness, based on chemical dependency, which then dominates and warps the psychology of the addict, one is better able to see that the addiction is solely an individual journey for that person. In an alcoholic relationship, the passive partner often suffers as much or more physically and psychologically as the alcoholics themselves. They can get caught up in the behavioral crises of alcoholics in ways which then affect their own behavior and physical and mental health. Poor communication and negative habits or schemes actually affects the other person and unconsciously he/she develops these negative patterns.

Your brother I presume also suffers from depression and that is why he has suicidal ideations. There is also a history of suicides in his family. This is rather serious & the problem should be addressed immediately. I suggest you take him to a mental health specialist. Both the issues of depression and alcoholism should be addressed separately. Your mother doesn?t seem to be of much help. In fact, being an enabler and an alcoholic herself I do not see any recovery for your brother. As for AA, I think your brother is not ready. Long term rehabilitation is the only answer for your brother, say at least 6 months. Your inviting him for Thanksgiving will only aggravate the problem and I also think you are heading towards being an enabler yourself. Katrina, please understand that by keeping him away will only do him good. This is called tough love. Help him and make him understand how much your life is being affected by his addiction. You are young and have a whole life ahead of you. You have become a codependent considering the fact that your family has a history of addiction and that makes it more complex. I suggest you start attending Al-Anon meetings (A self help group of family and friends of alcoholics, also a part of AA). Here in these meetings you will meet people who have the same problems like yours and you will learn how to cope with it like they do.

Katrina, it is time that you put your foot down and tell your brother to go into recovery. In fact you?ve also become an enabler. Show him love, but tell him recovery comes first. I hope you make the right decision. Calling him and your mother over to Thanksgiving will only worsen the problem. And I also hope your brother gets into recovery sooner as his problem is not just alcoholism but also psychological.

I wish you well, Katrina. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions or concerns.

God bless you and your family & Happy Thanksgiving.

Amarnath

Alcoholic brother

2010-03-17T12:09:00.000-07:00

Question
Hello,

My name is Katrina and I am 21 years old. I have a brother who is 26 and has been suffering alcoholism for about 5 years now. It mostly began when his father died. I have tried everything to help him, and I thought he hit his bottom after he rolled his car 4 times drunk, breaking his leg and 6 of his ribs. He was required to go to jail for a few days and to do a treatment program as well as AA. I talked to him about his experience and he said it was good except AA because it was "stupid".

My brother is generally a very kind and outgoing person, at least he was before his disease. Shortly after he was "enlightened," he began drinking again and continues to do so from the time he wakes up until he goes to bed.

My mother is also an alcoholic, but on a lesser extent. She is an enabler for my brother. I have been in a sense "taking care" of my brother since his alcoholism began. I am the closest person to him in the world, and I still haven't been able to help him. I have tried being angry, upset, and helpful and nothing has worked. He has attempted suicide once before and threatens it all the time. He has told me directly, "I just want to kill myself. I want to fall asleep and never wake up." This concerns me because his father died the same way by an overdose on oxy-contin and his grandmother overdosed on an entire bottle of sleeping pills two years ago. I am very concerned for his life.

On another note, I am having him and my mother over for Thanksgiving next week. I don't know what to do. Should I tell him there is no drinking allowed at all? Should I put him on a limit? I do not want him to be drunk when he is here. I just don't know what to do. I am worried that if I tell him he can't drink here then he will not come at all.

Please help.

Answer
HI Katrina,

That must be hard on you. I would say you are perfectly entitled to say that there will be no alcohol beverages at your home as a condition for them visiting you.

I have a feeling looking at the family history that alcoholism, drug addiction and mood disorders runs in the family as a rogue gene. But genes cab be beaten.

I agree with your brother that AA treatment for alcoholism is pretty useless. It starts from the assumption that alcoholism is a disease of the mind, instead of a disease of the body. Addiction is physical illness (affecting the mind), that prevents the body from producing feel good neurotransmitters such as serotonin. If your brother is a reader he should be able to overcome his addiction by himself, by educating himself about the biology of addiction. Of course he needs to be motivated to do so. He needs to understand the biochemical underpinnings of addiction, before he can treat himself. I suggest he read the followings articles:

Why Alcoholics Drink? at

http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/articles/WAD.html

Alcoholism (Addiction) is a Treatable Disease at:

http://curezone.com/upload/PDF/Articles/jurplesman/alcoholism_treatable.pdf

Drug Addiction is a Nutritional Disorder at:

http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/articles/drug_addictions_nutritional_disorder.htm...

Depression is a Nutritional Disorder at:

http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/articles/depression_disorder.html

Depression: a Disease of Energy Production at:

http://curezone.com/upload/PDF/Articles/jurplesman/depression_energy3.pdf

The first step in treatment is going on a hypoglycemic diet. If problems persist, it is best to consult a Nutritional Doctor, Clinical Nutritionist or a Nutritional Psychologist.

I recommend he also read my book "Getting off the Hook" which is freely available on the internet.

If any further questions please come back.

_______________________________________________

Jurriaan Plesman, Nutritional Psychologist

Hon. Editor of

The Hypoglycemic Health Association of Australia.

www.hypoglycemia.asn.au

Author of "Getting off the Hook"

Freely available at Google Book Search

Skype: jurplesman

Alcoholic brother threatening suicide

2010-03-17T11:50:00.000-07:00

Beverley Glazer MA. IC

Hi Katrina,

You are in a particularly difficult situation because you seem to be the parent of both your mother and your brother.

There is very little that you can do about your mother enabling him, because she probably feels very guilty about her behavior. Of course this does not help your brother. It seems at this point, that your brother has no intention of stopping drink. He feels stuck, and he hates himself for this, but he can get help if he wants to. Unfortunately many people have to be mandated into treatment, and he might have to be one of them.

When someone threatens suicide they feel desperate, and because of the family history you're right to be concerned. It may be helpful to speak to your family doctor and see if he can be mandated into treatment or psychiatric services due to his mental and physical condition. It's also extremely important that you do not enable him in anyway. I know this is hard to do because you care for him and he's blackmailed you by the possibility of suicide, but still you must.

Here is some information that may be helpful: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html

It would also be helpful for you to go to Al-Anon meetings and speak to other members. All the members are in similar family situations and you can develop a support system of people you can call onw when it gets tough.

As for Thanksgiving: Think of what it was like last Thanksgiving. Was he drunk? Was he rude? History has a way of repeating itself.

Neither telling him not to drink nor setting a limit will be helpful because as you know he just won't come. So if you want him and there are others invited to the house, tell them that your brother has a drinking problem and he will probably not be able to stay sober.

If you believe that he will disrupt the party, tell him that although you love him and want him there, it would be too embarrassing if he gets drunk, so it's up to him. Tell him if he doesn't drink he's welcome, but if he thinks he can't do it, you'll bring him food when the party's over.

The goal is to make the day the best it can be --given the difficult circumstances.

As hard as this is, focus on yourself Katrina and try not to put so much emotional energy on your brother. Right now, he will not stop drinking unless he's forced to change.

Keep demanding that he gets help, and tell him that you'll be there for him when he does. He knows where the meetings are so he can go to them if he chooses. He can also go to counseling or rehab. You can point him in the right direction, but unfortunately there is nothing more you can do.

Thank you for asking AllEexperts,

I hope this information is helpful,

All the best in this very difficult time

Bev

http://www.twist-your-thinking.com

Alcoholic brother threatening suicide

2010-03-17T11:32:00.000-07:00

Alcoholic brother threatening suicide

2010-03-17T11:14:00.000-07:00

Question
Hello,

My name is Katrina and I am 21 years old. I have a brother who is 26 and has been suffering alcoholism for about 5 years now. It mostly began when his father died. I have tried everything to help him, and I thought he hit his bottom after he rolled his car 4 times drunk, breaking his leg and 6 of his ribs. He was required to go to jail for a few days and to do a treatment program as well as AA. I talked to him about his experience and he said it was good except AA because it was "stupid".

My brother is generally a very kind and outgoing person, at least he was before his disease. Shortly after he was "enlightened," he began drinking again and continues to do so from the time he wakes up until he goes to bed.

My mother is also an alcoholic, but on a lesser extent. She is an enabler for my brother. I have been in a sense "taking care" of my brother since his alcoholism began. I am the closest person to him in the world, and I still haven't been able to help him. I have tried being angry, upset, and helpful and nothing has worked. He has attempted suicide once before and threatens it all the time. He has told me directly, "I just want to kill myself. I want to fall asleep and never wake up." This concerns me because his father died the same way by an overdose on oxy-contin and his grandmother overdosed on an entire bottle of sleeping pills two years ago. I am very concerned for his life.

On another note, I am having him and my mother over for Thanksgiving next week. I don't know what to do. Should I tell him there is no drinking allowed at all? Should I put him on a limit? I do not want him to be drunk when he is here. I just don't know what to do. I am worried that if I tell him he can't drink here then he will not come at all.

Please help.

Answer
Katrina,

   Thank you for your questions and for the explanation of the behaviors. In answer to the question of how you can help him, the answer is that only he can do that. That is why you have met with such frustration in all the things you have tried. If he wants to get and stay sober for himself then he will - otherwise, he will not and the outcome may be death at his own hands through suicide. That is the hard and tough fact to know.

   You have indicated that he thinks AA is stupid. Well, that is because in AA he knows he will have to finally face his drinking head on and face the reasons for his drinking. These will undoubtedly be fears he has about all sorts of things. Many alcoholics never wrestle with the demons in their lives and that is also a sad but true fact. His mother is also one of those who we says is "constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest." You see, this is a mental disease as well as a physical addiction to alcohol.

    So, you can simply pray for these people and let them live their drunken lives as best they can. You are not responsible for them nor anything they may do - even suicide. It will be a terrible loss you will face if he does but you will grieve it and move on through life minus a brother who could not get free of alcohol.

    As for the Thanksgiving get together, this is a time for you to decide your ground rules and establish them. If you prefer no drinking, then say so and let them know they are welcome if they abide by the rules otherwise you hope they have a good day somewhere else. You owe them nothing. If you will allow drinking then you are to let them come to the get together and take the consequences if they drink too much. Deal with that then, not in your worries for today. Many an alcoholic has been run off from a family gathering because they were drunk.

    I hope this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,

Clyde

Wife's recovery

2010-03-17T10:56:00.000-07:00

Question
We have 4 beautiful little girls (11, 9, 7, 3), and my wife has been struggling with alcoholism for several years. We thought that we hit "rock bottom" in Feb '08 when she was in a car accident (on a Saturday afternoon) with all 4 girls and she had a bac of 0.33. Thankfully, no one was hurt in the accident, and I was granted full custody of children while she was in jail. She entered rehab (2nd time) and stayed for 120 days. Shen then lived in a half-way house until Feb 09 when she came home - a full year of sobriety!!!!

Unfortunately, she has started to drink again. After everything that we've been through, it seems like we really haven't hit "rock-bottom". It took me a few weeks to figure it out - every time I commented that she appeared "off", the blowback was severe. I just happened to stumble acorss the bottle of vodka the other day. I have told her this is her final chance. For her to remain in the house, she must remain sober - when she drinks, she drives the car. She told me that she's "got it" and it won't happen again. Unfortunately, I've seen this before. Her triggers are "boredom", "a desire to be normal and have a drink once in a while", and " i can handle a drink every few days - it's not like I'm drinking every day", etc. Her family has been supportive, but they struggle with alcohol adddiction also.

Sorry for all the background but here's my question - would you agree that we are most likely heading for another disaster given the magnitude of the things we've been through and her reluctance to rely upon a support network to help her stay sober?

I know what I need to do to protect our children and I'm at peace that I've been to hell and back a few times, and I want to get off the train so there's no more guilt about "don't give up now, maybe this will be the things that gets her there".

Thanks for your help.

Answer

Beverley Glazer MA., I

Hi Dave,

It's not uncommon that an alcoholic falls off the wagon once they've hit a year of sobriety. They feel more confident, and forget.

To answer your question -- Yes, if your wife is reluctant to have a support network, there will be another disaster.

You have to stay strong for the sake of yourself and the family. Tell her that you know that she's drinking and you have no control over what she does. Tell her, that you and the kids have had enough and demand that she goes to AA, get a sponsor and work on her sobriety.

Do not feel guilty or sorry for her because that will only lead to enabling her. Here is some information about that: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html

It would be helpful for you to attend Al-Anon meetings, so you also have support and information at this difficult time. There is really nothing you can do about keeping your wife sober, but you can keep the kids safe from this roller-coaster of emotions.

You must stand firm for her to get the help she needs (and she'll argue). Right now, she thinks she can stop drinking on her own, but you and the kids don't have the time to wait and see if she does. You need her to take action now.

I hope this information is helpful,

Thank you for asking AllExperts,

Best of luck,

Beverley Glazer

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com

is my dad an alcoholic?

2010-03-17T10:38:00.000-07:00

Question
at first the word alcoholic scared me, but now i just want to no if he is one. 2 years ago he got a dui, and it isnt that once he starts drinking he cant stop, it is more that the only time he isnt drinking is when he is at work, he told me he has 4-6 beers per day. but that meand that it is more around 6-7. but he never really gets drunk, he just drinks. when he drinks we always fight about everything, cause it gives him a small temper, so we hardly go a day without yelling at each other. he goes to the bar 3-4 times in a week, not including weekends. i feel like that is all he does is go out on our deck, sip his beer and smoke while reading. once he somes inside somethimes he will say things and promise things, then i tell him he promised me something the next day, and he starts yelling at me saying he never said any of that. i asked him if he was an alcoholic and he said he could stop anytime he wanted, but i am not so sure he can.

thanks for reding, please answer!!!

caitlin

Answer
Hi Caitlin,

It does sound like your dad has a

drinking problem. Most people

don't need to drink that often

unless they are using alcohol

to wrongly deal with stress or

they are alcoholic.

The dui, anger, memory blackouts

and denial of any problem all

point to alcoholism.

His statement that "he can

stop anytime if he wanted"

is also characteristic of alcoholics

denying their problem and

dependency on drinking.

Alcoholism is not always so obvious in the beginning

but it is a progressive illness which

means it eventually gets worse.

At this point he may not be actually

addicted but the day will come when

he will not be able to stop on his own.

Often the rage acted out when drinking

may be some bottled up fear, anger

and other emotions he has buried

inside. The drinking allows the release

of these feelings in a bad way.

If he is headed for alcoholism then

he will not be open to quitting his

drinking. He will not be able to imagine

life without drinking.

If you notice a strong resistance to

suggestions that he stop because

of his outbursts then he already

has an alcohol problem in development.

Of course you are not in any way

responsible for his problem

as he is an adult.

He picked up these drinks himself

and can blame no one for that.

Recovering is also up to him.

I would suggest at this point that

you do these online tests honestly

as if you were him and pay attention to the results,

also talking to an alcohol counsellor

might help you see where he is at.

Links to tests:

http://www.alcoholscreening.org/

http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/alcohol-mast/index.html

http://alcoholism.about.com/library/blalcoholquiz.htm

http://www.pamf.org/teen/risk/alcohol/quiz.html

This tests are very valid in identifying problem drinking

and alcoholism. If he fails them he is headed for

future disaster.

Try to remember to take care of yourself

first in this as there is no guarantee

that he will want to stop drinking.

Many drinkers continue to drink even

when it causes many problems.

This is an illness that cannot be

treated without counselling and AA

meetings to start.

You cannot control a drinking illness

by complaining, threatening, hiding

alcohol or making a person feel guilty.

You can get him some information

on alcoholism but you can not

control his drinking.

Your first priority is to take

care of yourself and work on

improving your own life.

If he sees this it may rub off.

Fighting with a drinker is a lost

cause, give up trying to get him

to make promises as he will

likely not keep them and they

only lead to arguements.

Luck!

Alcohol & Me

2010-03-17T10:20:00.000-07:00

Question
hi there,

i'm a male from Malaysia and now 28 years old.The thing is recently about 1 year back i was and still having problems when consuming alcohol.the problem is that at most of the times i forgot everything when took alcohol.first i will be like does not want to drink and if i started i cannot stop until i can't remember a thing but not knocked out...what i mean here is that i will still drive,walk,talk,eat and sometimes will start an argument or even ended up fighting with come 1 else and i did not knew anything till any of my friends or the people who i went out with tell me what had happen the next day.This has been continuing.Apparently i enjoy having some good times with my friends but this problem make me fell upset and sometimes i'll feel shame on myself.so to avoid this i'll sometimes cancel the appointments and just stay at home.After taking alcohol its like a another person is fully incharge of me where its totally opposite of my attitude in other words its like a split personality.i wasn't like this before and i don't know why i'm like this now until my girlfriend is not feeling secured when she is with me if i am drinking.i need some of your expertise on this on what am i suppose to do..thanks allot

Mr.X

Answer
Hello

The answer is that you need to stop drinking alcohol.

Most people who drink alcohol stop when they know they've had enough but there are some people who have a predisposition to alcoholism and quickly lose control as soon as they have had one or two drinks. Just like you, because of the stigma attached to the word "alcoholism" and the associated behavior, many of these people feel enormous guilt and shame and deny that they have a problem until things become completely out of hand and their lives become unmanageable.

By what you have described you fall into this category and the only way to prevent what you are experiencing is to refrain from drinking alcohol altogether.

Alcoholism is a powerful and complex disease and the affected person will do anything to maintain this habit even though they are aware of the harm it is doing, not only to themselves but everyone else around them. If not already, you will find yourself using excuses, telling lies, blaming others and denying that you have a problem. You will find yourself being on the defensive all the time.

Whilst the answer is simple, carrying this out is not. If you have reached a point where you are alcohol dependent and find that you cannot stop on your own, you need to get some professional help. A good place to start would be by going to see your doctor and telling him honestly what you are doing and how it is affecting your life. Also look for any AA meetings in your area.

Learn as much as you can about alcoholism and what you need to do to stop drinking.You will find a lot of information on the Internet.

Chronic alcohol abuse is a practice that is beyond voluntary control, damaging emotional, physical and spiritual health as well as causing organic damage that manifests itself physically, psychologically and behaviorally. It damages the nervous system and destroys brain cells and may also cause delirium, mental confusion, extreme excitement, and loss of inhibitions. It can also cause cirrhosis of the liver, infections, heart problems, malnutrition, sexual problems and cancer.

An alcoholic has a recurring compulsion to continue abusing alcohol despite harmful consequences to the individual's health, mental state and disastrous family, work and social outcomes.

Unfortunately there is no "magic pill" that will help you to stop drinking. You first need to accept that you have a problem and take responsibility for your drinking. Your girlfriend and other friends are clearly aware that you have a problem. Talk to those you trust and be honest with them. Let them know that you want to stop drinking and ask them to support you in this.

Take action now before things get much worse and you start to lose everyone and everything that is important to you.

I wish you well.

Di

Alcoholic ex boyfriend

2010-03-17T10:02:00.000-07:00

Question
Hi, I am confused. Almost a year ago the man I loved dearly walked out of my life, after watching him smoke large amounts of marajuana, (basically he quit drinking before we got together, but switched to the weed)It was awful, he changed so much. I was devastated, and it took me a long time to realize it was for the best, he started drinking, and would call me and be really nasty, accusing me of things I didn't do.

After a failed relationship-she drank too, 2 car crashes and having his disability cut off, he got a job, and has reached out to me. I was shocked, but am very wary. He acts in a lot of ways like he regrets his actions, I have made it clear I can not give him anything financially, I have told him if he wants to quit drinking then he needs to do it himself, I could offer moral support. My confusion is that he seems in so many ways to act like he did when we were together, but won't say what his intentions are.

I am torn- I know he needs to get himself out of this and I feel that my feelings are still there- but also feel like he is turning to me b/c there is no one else. I wish I could say that I could just see where this goes, but I know myself and wonder if this is classic behaviour, if it is common for an alcoholic to try to cling to any comfort zone available, what can I do to protect myself? He says he is quitting and while I have seen some change I know he needs to quit completely. I don't know if I have what it takes despite my love for him, I know i can't "fix"him, any suggestions?

Answer
Hello Helen,

It is very painful to love an alcoholic. You are wise to be very cautious about opening yourself up to more pain and disappointment. I urge you to keep those defenses firmly in place and, if you decide to attempt to renew the relationship, to condition any new beginning on his first being sober and clean (no marijuana) in AA for a significant period of time (at least six months I would say). You correctly stated that you cannot "fix" him; the only person you can safeguard is you. I strongly suggest, if you decide to continue this relationship even under the conditions I suggested, that you consider attending meetings of Al-Anon, the 12 Step Program for those ina relationship with an alcoholic: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/. There you can learn how to protect yourself and not feed into the manipulations of the alcoholic. Good luck,

Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC

http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com

I've left my alcoholic boyfriend but now what do i do?

2010-03-17T09:44:00.000-07:00

Question
My ex-boyfriend and i were together for 3 years and lived together for two.we are both 32yrs old. When we moved in together thats when i realised he had a problem with drink. He'd drink for 4-6 days, then stay sober for a week then do it all again. He'd be in the pub at 9 in the morning and not leave till closing time.sometimes he wouldnt even come home and just stay at a mates house. I was a nervous wreck all the time. We would have so many arguments about his drinking and sometimes he was violent.

We split up 6 weeks ago because he was drunk and beat me up and smashed the house up. I called the police but a week later i withdrew my statement because he begged me to. He was so nice to me but when i withdrew the statement he just fair play and laughed. He doesnt want us to get back together anymore because he says i cause him to drink.

My problem is that its all got to much for me to handle. I thought i would be relieved when i split up with him. Instead im so depressed and cant stop crying all the time.I have never felt this low. I still love him so much even though i know he was awful to me. Although the more i think about the more i think its my fault. I did nag him so much about his drinking. Even when he wasnt drinking i was always on edge wondering when he'd go drinking next and then we'd argue about that. I lent him so much money as well and i know i'll never get that back.

I spoke to him the other evening and he said he felt sorry for me cause i just cant get over him.He's right.He now lives with his parents and he still drinks but not as much as he did when he lived with me. So maybe it was my fault. He said he doesnt love me and never did. We live in a small village and he said everyone is talking about me and how mental i am. Im to scared to even go outside the front door cause i think people are talking about me. Im really scared because i have never felt this low. Any advice for me would be truly helpfull.

Answer
Shannon,

it is natural to feel down when you

break up with someone. We always

dream of things being better than

they turn out.

You have to remember how bad things

were so you will not be tempted

to repeat the past.

This guy is still abusing you

because of your attraction to him.

He has said he doesn't care and

so what do you expect to get from

from him?

He has a drinking problem and this

is not caused by you or anyone else.

This is his problem to deal with.

You do not hit people you love.

He is full of anger and has to deal

with his own problems before he will

ever be able to have a good relationship

with anyone.

He took your money and your self-respect,

is this the kind of guy you want?

You are suffering a symptom similar

to addiction, you see him as the source

of your good feelings even though he

hurt you.

The way he loves alcohol this is the way you love him.

This is a relationship addiction.

It is not healthy and he will certainly

abuse you more if you do not get

help or counselling.

Many women return to abusers many times

sometimes they lose their lives

in an angry outburst.

I suggest you talk to someone

at a womens shelter or an alcohol

coulsellor. The best books in the

world about this are written by

Robin Norwood, "Women who love too much"

Get her books online or ebay or check

the library and bookstores.

You really need to avoid this guy

and start reading these books.

Talk to someone soon, don't

sit alone and be sad about losing

a loser. You can rise above this

and be strong, happy and free.

Take Care!

Hives,rashes and alcohol

2010-03-17T09:26:00.000-07:00

Question
I have been drinking alcohol for well over 20 years and of course sometimes in excess.I have consumed many many vatieties also with never any reaction.I enjoy drinking.

My question is:in the last few months every time I drink now I break out in a rash and my face swells up.and as an experiment to narrow it down to ingredients,in the last week I would drink a shot and only a shot of Cognac,Brandy,Jack Daniels,Vodka,Wine.Just a shot a day Sun-Thurs.each night with in 10 min. "BOOM" hives please help explain.

Answer
I'm not a doctor but am a recovering alcoholic. I do know that after years of drinking your body responds differently.

Sounds like you now have either an allergy to alcohol, or a new intolerance and sensitivity to it. Some people cannot drink because they turn red ---flushed all over, mostly neck, chest and face, and hot with red ears like on fire-

This is an intolerance. It is also very common - because alcohol releases histamine which is the mediator that does this. some people are able to get by with an antihistamine (claritin, zyrtec) the day they drink, and prevent the symptoms.

Others cannot. Also- very very common in those of Asian descent.

But if you get hives....that is allergy. true allergy to alcohol is rare. It is actually a response to the metabolites of alcohol.

Just for clarity- hives are like welts- red and bumpy.

If you only gets red and flushed, probably not an allergy.

Here is a site that explains this a bit--

http://www.foodreactions.org/intolerance/alcohol/index.html

Sounds like you just need to stop drinking.

Remember I'm not a doctor.

I suggest seeing your primary care physician.

Sorry it took so long I was doing research on it.

Take Care!

Feel better!

Alcoholic in early recovery

2010-03-17T09:08:00.000-07:00

Question
My boyfriend is a chronic binge alcoholic and has just completed a 3 month intensive recovery day programme and is now over 5 months sober. For the last couple of months, he became a different person and was the person I fell in love with. But since finishing the programme, which has only been a couple of weeks, his old behaviours seem to be returning. He snaps at me for the slightest thing and is convinced anything he is in a mood over is all my fault. What hurts is that to everyone else he is the most lovely fantastic person. All the people on the Programme think he is an amazing person but they have never seen the angry side to him. I do know he really is that amazing person but I don't understand why he is not like that with me anymore. I don't know what has happened since the programme has finished and wondered if this is normal? And do you know how I am best to react when he behaves like this? Do I just ignore him or do I tell him how he is making me feel? Am I expecting too much in such a short time? Sorry for all the questions and thanks so much for your time.

Answer

Beverley Glazer MA., I

Hi Stef,

When someone is recovering from alcoholism is hard to get back into a life without it. Your boyfriend is in that process. When he was drinking, alcohol would take the edge off for many things, but now he has to learn new coping strategies.

He probably is that amazing person that everyone sees. But when he snaps at you he's simply expressing his frustration-- which may have nothing to do with you at all.

It would be helpful if he still sees a counselor for aftercare to help him with this. Not only is it important to stop drinking, but it's just as important to learn to handle the emotional stuff that got him there in the first place. This is what AA calls working the 12 steps.

If your boyfriend is not already going to AA meetings encourage him to do so. Not only will he develop a support system for his new life without drinking, but he'll eventually get a sponsor and work the 12 steps - which is the emotional part of the program.

When someone comes out of a recovery program, it's hard for others to know how to treat them, but you should act normally. Do not ignore him if he hurts you, tell him how you feel. It also important not to enable him. Here is more information that you might find helpful.

Http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html

This is a huge transition for both of you. As your boyfriend gets used to his new sober lifestyle his behavior should be different, but right now he's testing everything out.

I hope this information is helpful,

thank you for asking AllExperts,

Lots of luck

Bev

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com

husband who binge drinks

2010-03-17T08:50:00.000-07:00

Question
hi, i really hope i can get some advice as to what to do with my current situation..

i am here on a workin holiday visa with my alcohlic (whos suposed to be in recovery) husband.

wev been gone for 11 months,and we are hopin to stay on here, as it is a better life for us both.

my husband is 28, and has been driking alcoholicly since he wwas about 11. i met him when i was 16, and we started dating wen i was 17.. i thought he ws a cool party boy, and fell in love with him.. his drinkin got worse, and he would party for days, obviously drugs were involved, but alcohol was him main drug...

we broke up a couple of times over the years, and we got back together under the pretences that hed give it up and be a proper boyfriend... that happened for a couple of weeks and then the same pattern would happen again.

then one saturdday i had enough and ended the relationship for good. i told him not to contact me i was finished with the crap.

he tried to talk me around, but i changed my number etc..

i was heart broken,i loved him, but couldn copewith the unpredictability and the lying and the mis trust. i was miserable.

after about 10 months, i heard that he had went to treatment, and was doin pretty good. h wrote to me, asking me to come to a therepy session, where i get to tell him exactly how it effected me over the years, but i declined as i felt it qould bw too painfull and open up old wounds, so i wrote him a letter instead,i outlined a few main points that stuck with me, and told him i didnt want to go back.

he got the letter and he broke down in treatment, and his counclilor said thats wat he needed to hear, and it helped him heal, he opnend up.

he continued to write to me, and wen he got out, he gave up his social nights out drinkin, for AA meetings o a sat night..

things looked promising..

eventually we agreed to meet up, and chat, and we did. we got back together, and we were so happy..

we got married that autumn and we had 3 years of bliss, without him drinking.. then he had a "slip" wen he finished a trades course and became an electrician,he went to play pool with the guys, and someone bougt him a drink, and then he went on a binge and i didnt see him for 3days...

of course wen he returned, he was ful of remorse and swore it was only the once, that idt never happen again... until 6months later, wen we had a really bad argument and he left the house with his new jeans on and his aftershave. didnt see him agian for 2days..

agai he came back with te promises, and returned to AA for a few sporadical meetings. he had a sponsor, who wasnt in a good palce himsef, and stopped talkin to him after a minor misunderstanding, so that was helpful!!!!!!!

anyway, he had a further 2 slips that year,and it seemed to be after any argument that we had...

but each slip, he came home a day earlier/ the last slip befor we went away, he lft at about 7 and then came home at 3am(i was at ap arty and came home early to find an empty bed, and he then returned, thinkin he would get in before me). our tickets were booked to go to australia in 6 weeks at this stage..

we had a chat,and i was unsure of goin.. he felt that his life in our home town was bringing him down, it wa too hard wen everyone he knew was partying,but him, he wanted to be a normal person,just to have a few drinks with the lads, and come home. he felt he done that this time, by comin home at 3, but he was twisted!! couldn stand, and vomitted into a decorative bowl with candles, uh!

he seems to thin he doesnt fit into any box as such, with alcoholics. even thouggh he does recognise he has a problem, he feels he has it under control. said meeitngs jsut dont do it for him. and nothing really bad happened wen he drank, he didnt loose his job, me , our house ect... i explained its aprogressive disease an hes stil young, so thats ahead of him.. he spoke with a doc, and he suggested counciling. he made appt to se addiction councilor, ut no appt available til after we left.

i got advice from family, and fellow alanon people, that to give australia a go,it might be sut wat he needs, a different lifestyle... so i did.

ad we had a fabulous 10months here and thailand.. life is perfect at the mo, he has great job,he gets paid wel, we live in a lovely appartmnt, and a lovely area. he continusly says he doesnt want one thing2 change, hes so happy.. he has been to a couple of meetings here, just last night, hses been readiing his AA Big Book, adn doin really well.. until yesterday!

he went to work,at 8am, and due to finish at9pm.. he txt to say he was goin for free food that the company were paying for, in the hotel accross the road to thank them for workin on a sunday..he had txt a couple of msgs to sya food was great etc,.. and then the msgs stopped, so i knew in my gut he was drinkin. i treid to call him twice, no answer, so i took a sleeping tablet and went to bed, knowing it wud be alnong night..i woke up at 6.30 2 find him on th couch,in someone elses clothes, iasked him where he went and he said he was at casino... that was all we said. i went back to bed and he cam in after,intoxicated..

im just devastated.. we really only have each other over here, and i cant trust him.. he made a promise to my parents before we lft that he wouldnt do anything to marr my time in australia. that all id have is happy memorys from here. but so far, every stage of my life with him, theres always something.. i feel hes so selfish..seeing as he control wen he drinks, he chose to drink last night, knowing wat it would do to me,i kow its not al abut me.. but my husband is the kind of persn, when he wasnts somethin he gets it..and hel find away to get it or do it, whatever it is.. he can just suit himself, and get away with it.

i actaully dont know wat to do, i really dont,.. do i go home? do i stay? wat can the consequeces be?i really need advcie on this. i spoke to alanon, and they just say to look after yourself, but i need to know wat i can physically do here,please please please help me....

Answer
Stephanie,

   Thank you for your detailed explanation of your situation. I can only suggest that you listen to the wisdom of the Alanon folks on this one. Your history with this fellow is not a good one - he is not changing his behaviors and we know that changes must be made and they must be permanent.

  The only thing you can change in this situation is you. If you want more of this history, then play along with him some more distance. If you want to regain your life back, then you'll need to change yourself - move on.

  I wish I could be more gentle but it is a had thing to realize we are being challenged to make changes for ourselves as others are not going to do so for us.

  I hope this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,

Clyde

Alcoholic Parent

2010-03-17T08:32:00.000-07:00

Question
Hello-

I hope you can help us out. My mom is 63 years old and has been a wicked heavy drinker for at least 35 years. She drinks until she passes out, become incontinent. She's lost memory, but still manages to function and go to work. This past holiday I saw her looking her worst. Her belly is very swollen, her face looks drawn, her legs are very thin. She in essence looks beyond horrible. I don't know what is happening with her, she refuses to go to a doctor. At this point, she's had a few falls at home, that I know of. My sister and I are very concerned, and believe that she can't live like this for too much longer. She won't talk to us about how she feels either. I have no idea whats happening with her or how to help. My sister seems to think that our mom isn't going to be around too much longer. I'm not sure she will either..

Answer
Dear Lauren

What your mother is experiencing is the extreme acidosis created by consuming large amounts of alcohol, which is very acidic. Fat accumulates around the middle of the body and the liver becomes enlarged, which causes the extended abdomen. It is impossible to say how long she would last, my mother lived until she was 78, drinking the whole way. Sometimes the alcohol keeps them alive.

Husband

2010-03-17T08:14:00.000-07:00

Question
Hi There,

I am writing today because I need someone to talk to and I haven't got that.

My husband plays tickets everyday about 10 everyday, on the weekends he drinks mostly every weekend and recently I have found out that he has been renting porn that he lied to me about I had to call our cable person to see what was going on.

Does my husband have a problem?

Answer

Beverley Glazer MA., I

Hi Tina,

It sounds like your husband is a compulsive gambler. He may be a binge drinker and may also have developed other impulse control behaviors, but you share his problems, because you live with him.

The important thing for you is to try to get on with having a normal life for yourself -- in spite of him. Now that you know what's going on, don't enable him in any way. Here's some information on the subject:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html

My site untwist-your-thinking.com is filled with information on impulse control behaviors. This may also be helpful for you.

Tell him that you're fed up with his behavior and demand that he gets the help he needs. He's probably in denial and won't do it, but when you stop enabling, he has to own up to his behavior, and eventually, he may be more open to it.

Go to Al-anon meetings for yourself. The people there are all involved in similar situations and you won't feel so alone. You'll also learn how to deal with the difficult situation that you're in, and create a more positive life for yourself.

I hope this information is helpful,

Thank you for asking AllExperts,

Best of luck

Beverley Glazer

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com

my partner of 5 years is an alchoholic

2010-03-17T07:56:00.000-07:00

Question
My partner drinks heavily every night and I believe he drinks more on his way home, he can have more than 2 bottles of wine plus bear, and I find hidden empty bottles... He is distracted and cold, often with bad stomach, when sober - very rarely. I have told him that I can't deal with this anymore - i feel disgusted by the way the bedroom smells in the morning - and asked him to separate until he is sober for a month. I told him we can continue to live together - as housemates - we have a 4 year old son who adores his father, and my partner is in fact a good dad - but always in debt and spending all his money on drinking and porn sites - which he tries to hide but can't. He was hurt and just tries to find other reasons, says I feel superior to him and look down on him. I want to help him but I really don't know what to do or what else to try. I only realized he had a drink problem this year, I always thought it was the circumstances before: his work, his mates, other problems...

I feel bad but I don't want to be intimate with him anymore or even kiss him, and I am very confused about what to do. If I leave him - ask him to move out - he will probably drink himself to death...

Please advise, any thoughts greatly appreciated.

Thank you

Maria

Answer
Maria,

Often when someone has a drinking

problem they also have low

self-esteem and it is hard for

them to see that they need

help. Their false pride causes

them to build defenses against

anyone that tries to help.

As you said he thinks you

are acting superior by pointing

out his flaws.

You might start by saying that

all humans have good and bad

characteristics but that

doesn't stop us from improving

areas of our life that are

questionable or causing us problems

in our relationships.

I also suggest you try not to

hide his problem but don't

try to control him either.

Alcoholism is an illness and

as it progresses a person

suffers mental, emotional,

physical and spiritual illness.

This can account for attraction

to things like porn or lower companions.

If he is to recover it will depend

on him and his desire to change.

You can do little but take care of

yourself and don't get caught up

in trying to force him to change.

When a person is addicted to alcohol

they will not stop by threats to

leave or any other ultimatim you

make. He has lost the power of choice.

He needs help from either counselling

and treatment or Alcoholics Anonymous

at this point.

Alcohol counsellors can inform you about

interventions involving family

or friends in confronting him

with rehab/treatment.

Often when someone won't look for

help the negative consequences of their

drinking is the only thing that

wakes them up.

For instance, I did not seriously

attend AA until my wife and kids

left me. At that point I realized

I could not make it on my own.

I had to seek help or die and

my wife was not consoling or

helping me at all.

This saved my life as I always kept

drinking as long as I could fall

back on her company.

Sometimes it is rising against

our problems that gives us

the strength to overcome them.

If we always have someone to depend

on we get weaker.

Alcoholics should only be helped

when it contributes to their

getting sober.

You can use that as a guide in

dealing with his behaviour and

desires.

Ask yourself, will this help him

to lay around drinking or

will it encourage him to try

for better things like sobriety.

Being helpful is sometimes not

doing anything at all.

It allows him to pick himself

up and be responsible for himself.

If you do these tests below

as if you were him it will give

you some insite:

Links to tests:

http://www.alcoholscreening.org/

http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/alcohol-mast/index.html

http://alcoholism.about.com/library/blalcoholquiz.htm

http://www.pamf.org/teen/risk/alcohol/quiz.html

Take care of yourself.

concern for my wife

2010-03-17T07:38:00.000-07:00

Question
Hi - My wife grew up in an alcoholic family her entire childhood. Her father was incredibly abusive, then became semi absent into her teen years (he passed away 3 years ago from liver damage) Her Mom is in her 60's and is a serious alcoholic as well (drinks early/often/always and passes out daily around 5 PM.) My main concern is that my wife still can't confront her Mom and her Mom's drinking (after years of never confronting her dad!) She has little problem telling her work associates, our kids, my relatives or anyone else that her Mom is a raging alcoholic, but when it comes to talking with her Mom she can't bring herself to do it. Last week her Mom fell down the stairs for about the 10th time and cracked her head open, called 911 annd spent 2 days in the hospital. The conversation between my wife and her Mom concerning this fall never mentioned alcohol. Her mom has called our house and threatened suicide a few dozen times (the first time on our honeymoon), yet the next day they just seem to laugh it off somehow. This fear of confrontation spills over into our everyday life. She always has to be two different people depending who she's around. Everything I have read or heard concerning adult children of alcoholics relates directly to my wife. I just thought my wife would somehow grow-up or out of this behavior. She has a terribly shallow relationship with her Mom and my wife has no close friends. Her brother is an alcoholic/substance abuse person himself, so she really has no one on the inside to talk with. I know that my wife is having serious problems dealing with this as it pertains to the rest of her life. After her dad died it took her about 2 years before she really started getting mad and getting some of her feelings out. Before that she had acted like he was a saint of some kind. She is a really good stuffer and incredibly tightly wound. I don't think she has any room left to keep jamming her feelings inward. My wife is not an alcoholic but will drink on occasion. She is a super overachiever and limits her emotional exposure/contact with everyone. The overall situation is a bit deeper and more complex than I may be making it sound as it relates to physical/mental/and possible sexual abuse growing up. I appreciate your guidance with this and hope this is not to trivial for your attention.

Answer
Dear Joe

I can appreciate your desire for your wife to be happy and well adjusted, but sometimes it is a slow process. Both of my parents were heavy drinkers and I am slowly healing these problems after 50+ years. I think you don't give yourself enough credit when you say that your wife has no close friends and has no one on the inside to talk with. The only thing you can do is tell her the truth and be there for her. The "white elephant" syndrome is pretty well documented in dysfunctional families. She was that way when you fell in love and married her, so it will take some time for her to process all the hurt and pain. Definitely do not push! I can recommend my two books, "How Big is Your But" and "What is Love" as healing tools. You can order them from my website, www.divinelightmaster.com. Good luck.

Soul mate of 7 years out of my life due to Drinking and Driving

2010-03-17T07:20:00.000-07:00

Question
Hi,

I just celebrated my 42nd birthday Monday and my boyfriend of 7 years was not with me. Two weeks ago, after I noticed him coming home intoxicated most days for about three weeks straight, I blew up. This pattern is nothing new for him. I have been promised more times than I care to mention "I will cut back", "I won't drink a drop when you are not with me", "I won't stop at the bar after work.", etc., etc.,. My boyfriend is such a smart, responsible man. He takes care of his child from a previous marriage, and does a wonderful job of being "Dad". I know when he promises he won't drink and drive and tells me, "It won't happen again," that he means it. He is not one to lie and not keep promises. However, he will do well for a few months, and then he gets irritable or stressed, and here we go again!! I feel stupid for telling him over and over that he will need to move out if he keeps this up, and then I let him stay because he makes more promises. He thinks that he does not have a drinking problem and that it is just me being controlling. His dad is an alcoholic and does not drink a drop now. He said his dad used to drink hard liquor early in the morning and he is not like that. His main problem is beer. But an addiction to beer makes you an alcoholic as well. He does not see it that way.

He has now withdrawn money from his 401K and got a year lease on an apartment. I am devastated to say the least, but in a way, I hope it will do him some good. I worry about his drinking and driving, but at least now, it is not in my face on a daily basis as it was when he lived with me. I offered to go to an open AA meeting, go to one-on-one counseling, have him speak with an AA mentor, etc., and he has declined.

Is there anything else that I can do? I always thought that we would always be together and I love him dearly.

Thanks,

Jamie

Answer
Sounds you like you have offered to everything you can. it is up to him. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. As alcoholics we make many promises and stick to none. You must stick to your demands like asking him to leave. he must suffer consequences for his actions. You should attend AL-ANON. A support group for friend and families or alcoholics. They can teach you many useful skills and provide support to you. You must not enable him. He has to do this for himself and make the change for himself. I really suggest you go to Al-Anon and try it for several times. It will probably be uncomfortable at first but so was AA for me and I have stuck with it and remained sober. If you cannot find a Al-Anon group let me know an i"ll help. Good Luck

Leigh

Alcoholics and pain

2010-03-17T07:02:00.000-07:00

Question
My father is an alcoholic. He doesn't admit it but I am sure of it. He is 63 years old and he's been under a lot of stress. Lately he's been complaining of pain in his leg and tiredness. Is this related to the fact that he's an alcoholic or is he simply getting old? Please I have another question: how do you show someone and make him realize that he's addicted to alcohol?

Thank you for your time

Answer

Beverley Glazer MA. IC

Hi Frankie,

There really isn't any way of knowing why your Dad has pain in his leg. He may have bumped into something while drunk, or is developing some physical probems only his Dr. can tell you this. He has to go for tests. I suggest he makes an appointment with a physician. Alcoholics avoid doctor's appointments because they're affraid of the results, so you may have to book it and go with him.

Privately, you should tell the Doctor about his drinking because he probably won't talk about it.

To answer your 2nd question: Alcoholics will argue and defend drinking because they're in denial and don't want to stop. This self test may be

helpful. Print it and give it to him -- but there's no guarantee that he'll do it. Or that he'll get help with the problem.

Http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/alcohol-addiction.html

There's really not much you can do about getting Dad to help himself, unless he becomes completely dysfunctional. But you can learn how to deal with him so you don't enable him. Check out the Al-Anon meetings in your area. The members can be very supportive and you'll get ideas on your roll in his addiction.

I hope this information is helpful

Thank you for asking AllExperts,

Regards

Bev

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com

Friend constantly relapsing

2010-03-17T06:44:00.001-07:00

Question
I have a friend who is an alcoholic. Her addiction seems to be a symptom of other problems. I have been her friend for more than 15 years. When we first met she was in an abusive relation with an rough character, before that, she had been a rebellious teen. She had a difficult childhood as she and her mother escaped from the eastern bloc in the early 80?s and she and her mother had to go it alone basically while they built a life for themselves in America.

I had always tried to be the person she could confide and the shoulder she could cry on when she had trouble with her abusive boyfriend. I would always tell her to leave him, but she wouldn?t do it. She would return to apartment with bruises and say she fell down. It was like witnessing a bad made for TV drama.

After 2 years of watching her miserable, I told her I could no longer be her friend. After that, she came to the realization that she was in a bad situation and got herself out of it. She moved back to her hometown, finished her undergrad and internship work, lived with a new boyfriend who was good to her and seemed to be doing well. We reconciled after that and she was doing very well with her new life.

After a while, she and boyfriend parted ways amicably and she decided to move to Chicago and work for her PHD. I was living in Chicago at the time, and so was her mother.

When she started her PHD program, she started to drink a lot with the other students and professors. I started noticing that she was drinking all the time. She started giving me hints about shooting airplane bottles and keeping vodka in her purse. Finally, about 10 years ago, she came to me crying and believed that she was an alcoholic. I told her that all she needed to do was to stop drinking. I didn?t know much about AA, and I was probably a bit in denial that my friend was sick, and thought she was just basically being a lush, and with a little discipline she could lick it.

After about a year of no improvement I cut off all communication with her. I didn?t explain anything to her, I just stopped returning her calls, and we did not talk for nearly 2 years. When a close mutual friend got married and invited us both to the wedding, I contacted and told her that I was sorry for abandoning her but that she had to understand that she had a problem, and that she would need to handle it herself. I let her know that I loved her, but I would not let myself be put in same situation as when she was in the abusive relationship. For the next 2-3 years we kept in contact, but she was still drinking. She had become very promiscuous, and was basically out of control.

1 day in 2002 she called me and told me she could not find her car, I came to her house and saw she had a traffic citation in her purse, and we found her car that had been parked on the side of the road after a fender bender.

The next day she asked me to go with her to an AA meeting. I did and hoped she was on t he road to recovery.

She did not go to meetings regularly but was able to stay sober for about a year, until she finished her PHD. When she finished her PHD she wanted to drink to celebrate. I was very proud of her success and wanted to share it with her, so I told her I would stay with her that evening and babysit while she drank. I thought it might even be good for her to see, if she was as I put it ?An alcoholic or just a lush?

It turned out she was an alcoholic. She continued to drink heavily on and off for the next year, moved away for a year to work in New York, (Where she started drinking heavily again) came back to Chicago and was now was full blown alcoholic.

I stopped talking again with her for a period of time until she wrote me about 2 years ago and told me she was in bad shape and needed me to help her. I found her drunk and strung out on Coke, She had lost a lot of weight and was crying that she was miserable and wanted to die. We called her mother and told her the whole story. The next month she was in a rehab program. I talked to her a bit about the rehab but she was fighting the program every step. She started having sexual relations with other patients, and was eventually asked to leave the program.

She entered a different program and completed it and started seeing a therapist regularly. But she refuses to go to AA. She used the whole ?I don?t believe in God? excuse, which I know is just an excuse. She kept clean for some time but would briefly relapse occasionally. I don?t trust her relationship with her therapist, as her therapist prescribes her speed to combat depression and gives her advise like ?You should get a f**k buddy to help with your stress?. She seemed able to maintain and was able to get a job as a community college professor. But still she would relapse and have brief affairs with people she probably shouldn?t. Recently she ended up getting drunk and having an affair with one of her students. She told it to me and told me she thought she may be in love. I told her that this was unacceptable behavior and she should be going to AA. I explained that I thought her choice in men, was just another way to fix her jones. I think I may have crossed a line by telling her who she should date, but I know that she is not addressing the root causes. She is not addressing her addiction and the causes of her addiction. After this episode, I decided I cannot watch this again. I feel she is lying to me everytime she talks about her drinking. She seems to think she can control it or at least not let it get too far out of control, Which I usually respond, that she hasn?t even reached the 1st step of the 12, if she thinks she has control. The relationships she has, start from being drunk, and the acceptance she feels from her lovers seems to fill some emptiness inside her.

She has been a dear friend of mine for a long time, but I know I have enabled her in the past. My desire to leave her is no longer entirely for her own good, but more out of my own anger and frustration, that she continues to behave the same way, and refuses to truly admit the problem. She can admit she is an Alcoholic, but just doesn?t want to take the steps to correct it. Whenever we talk, she tries to explain how she doesn?t want to drink, and how she is getting better, and how she ?Can?t drink because she needs to keep her job? or ? I am taking anabuse so I know I can?t drink? but I have heard it all before. She cannot understand the pain she puts her friends thru by making us all watch her kill herself slowly.

I have told her that I don?t want to see her until she gets to step 7 and realizes that she needs to apologize to her friends for what she has put us thru, and understand how her behavior effects the people that want to love her.

A bit long winded I know, but should I feel bad for abandoning her? Should I be insisting on an apology (its not just for me, but for her to understand the consequences on her friends) Does individual therapy have a good success rate? Is promiscuity another way t o fill a void with alcoholics and addicts? I want to be a good friend. I don?t want to cause her pain. But I want her to know that I don?t think she is going at this the right way, and I don?t want to have to drag her to rehab again or go find her car, or get a call from her mother telling me that she is dead. Should I be angry?

Answer
Hi Donald,

I commend you on the commitment you have demonstrated in your attempts to help your friend overcome her very serious alcohol problem. I think you have used reason, passion, tough love, and every means you could think of to help her reverse the progression of her use.

Over the years I have come to define an individual's relationship with alcohol as being similar to what characterizes intimate relationships. There's can be the sheer elation, a soulmate-type connection, inseparableness, devotion, passion, drama, transcendence. But there can also be extreme disappointment, disloyalty, regret, betrayal, and, of course,codependence. Have you ever known couples who seem to relish conflict? Have you had friends who will talk about a problematic relationship endlessly but when you recommend they leave the relationship they act like you're talking in a foreign tongue? Consequences can motivate change but the question becomes what level of it does it take?

Obviously your friend has found a very close ally in the manner in which alcohol changes the way she thinks and feels. But again, she has identified the downside and that has prompted periods of recovery attempts.

I'm wondering what in her upbringing set her on this path, not that understanding the history will reveal a solution. Many individuals with protracted substance abuse problems have experienced severe early childhood circumstances, particularly women. They may have suffered trauma, abuse, neglect, loss. I and many others feel there can be inadequate structures in these individuals to facilitate responses to stress in non-self destructive ways. It is possible someone may become emotionally and behaviorally "typecast" early on.

Here we also might be able to make some sense of the higher functioning person who, despite significant life achievement, continues to evidence problematic decision-making despite numerous interventions.

I have worked with hundreds if not thousands of individuals who have continually relapsed, sabotaged, and even brought about their own demise. They have had repeated treatment episodes lasting decades. I attend conferences about how to treat the "treatment resistant". Nevertheless, I can say no one has figured out and implemented a truly revolutionary approach to

addictive behavior rehabilitation. We may be getting closer, however, as we explore holistic approaches.

I don't feel anyone should feel bad about letting someone like your friend go, in the sense that they have burned out and can feel helpless. I would not make your difficulties with her recalcitrance an issue in your relationship with her. She knows how people around her have suffered. Individual therapy can have a good success rate with someone who can use the time to delve into what really lies behind problematic behavior and emotional disturbance. For others, group therapy works more effectively. I think both together is a powerful combination.

Should you be angry? I don't think that will help in any way. Her life has gone in the direction it has gone, at this point. She can exploit the guilt of others to dramatize her crisis, and to attract concern, and in the process stay stuck.

She needs treatment. A lot of it, over a long time. If she doesn't get it, the only thing left is for her to hit the wall harder than she has, and hope that will instill greater motivation to stop. But then, "hitting bottom" does not mean someone has necessarily hit bottom.

Insist on treatment, make it a point of every conversation. And don't cause adverse consequences for yourself if she doesn't respond. She has to be the one to recognize the danger signs. If she doesn't like AA she can go to a SMART Recovery meeting if there's one in your area. smartrecovery.org

I hope this helps.

Peter

Chemically damaged hair

2010-03-16T14:42:00.000-07:00

Question
About four years ago, i let my licensed beautician put permanent color in my hair. She put me under the dryer and left me there for almost an hour. A couple of weeks later my hair started coming out by the handful. If i rubbed my head, my hand was full of hair. My hair was messed up. It was short and long in different places all over my head. Since i had long hair and couldn't bear to part with it, i trimmed it often and started doing it myself. The problem is, it grows but it has thinned out. My hair was twice as thick as it is now. What kind of damage did the permanent color do? Why want it grow back thick?

Answer
This is a relatively common problem dermatologists deal with. If left on too long the chemicals damage the hair shaft where the liquid sits on top of the scalp. By the time the person notices excessive hair loss the hairs have grown for a week or two and are breaking off 1/4 inch above the scalp. The scalp itself is rarely irritated enough to have anything more than a mild contact dermatitis which is not severe enough to injure the hair follicles or hair roots. Typically over a six month period the hairs continue to break off and are now leaving about a 3 inch hair shaft behind because the hairs grow 1/2 inch per month. It will take two years from the time of the injury to the hair shafts for the hair to grow to be 12 inches long. By this time most patients are frustrated the hairs are of different lengths as you were. Other factors may be involved in why there was so much hair loss and why much of it did not grow back. Some other stressful factors could have caused you to have a "Chronic Telogen Effluvium" and poor regrowth of those lost hairs may be due to not having enough serum ferritin ( low iron ). Seeing a dermatologist may help determine if there was scarring of the hair follicles which is normally not a problem with hair coloring but is a problem with "Hot Comb" straightening of the hair. There could be several different factors going on here and by looking at your scalp your dermatologist will be able to give you the best advice as to what treatment is liable to help and the amount of hair to expect to grow back.

itchy scalp and thinning hair at the side

2010-03-16T14:24:00.000-07:00

Question
im only 16 and i have been bothered because of my very itchy scalp, also.. the side of my hair next to my ear is thinning, i need to grow my bangs just to cover it. im wondering why and how can i stop this problem. i had my research in the internet and i always see the minoxidil is the medicine i need. is it really? please reply asap. thanks..

Answer
The loss of hair with an itchy scalp is frequently a sign of an infection of the hair follicles and the treatment for that would be different depending on the organism causing the problem. Different antibiotics are used for different bacteria or fungus or yeast. You should see a dermatologist before deciding it is something you can do on your own. It may be a skin disease which can cause itch and scaliness and require a prescription cortisone lotion to calm the condition. There are just too many different possibilities to assume it is safe to use some treatment you can buy in the drugstore. If the hair follicles get damaged enough and get scarred you may never get the hairs to grow again.

chronic tellogen

2010-03-16T14:06:00.000-07:00

Question
QUESTION: hey

thanks for your quick responses. yeah I been off the procerin after 2 months of taking them. That was a year ago coming up in feb. Your answer seems to relate to the probelem I had on the right side of my temple and those tablets I took where for mpb which has triggered my tellogen. I am just worried now that because I have had no regrowth of my hair as this is a long time frame could I have triggered mpb or do you think if I use the natural remedies I could revive my growth. Also is it normal to see no regrowth for this length of priod and could me be stresing out be making matters worse.

regards

neal

ANSWER: Hello Neal: If the follicles were damaged in the original bald spot, you will not be able to grow the hair back in that particular area. The natural remedies could definitely help with the telogen effluvium and can also help to minimize the effects of early mpb if that is an issue.

Sincerely, Melanie Vonzabuesnig

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: oh k. oh im not hoping to regrow hair there anyway I just want the hair I lost all over my scalp to regrow. How do I know if I have damaged the follicles elsewhere then if I have hair loss elsewhere. I placed an order with you and am awaiting arrival. I just hope it helps me. This is all confusing me how hair can regrow back in areas that are now bare throughout.

regards

neal

Answer
Hello Neal: Thanks for the order. With most forms of hair loss, including telogen effluvium the follicles are not damaged. Although the hair growth cycle becomes disrupted, causing more hairs to go into the telogen (resting)stage, the follicles are not destroyed. Follicle damage mostly occurs from scalp infections (folliculitis), chemical burns from harsh products, illness such as lupus, rare congenital or acquired scalp or hair condition, or trauma to scalp. Whenever scarring occurs hair loss is permanent.

With mpb the follicles do not get damaged. They gradually begin to shrink, shrinking a little more with each new growth cycle. Eventually the affected follicles will atrophy and no longer be able to produce hair. Using essential oils can reduce and prolong the effects by keep the follicles nourished and energized.

If you have actual smooth bare spots (not just sparse or thinning hair in areas) you may have a different condition. Telogen effluvium will cause diffuse hair loss but will not cause smooth bald areas. Please let me know if you have smooth bald areas absent of any hair.

Thank you.

Sincerely, Melanie Vonzabuesnig

hi!!!

2010-03-16T13:48:00.000-07:00

Question
my problem is tht when i was 13 years old i was suffered with thyroid gland in my neck due to sudden growth in my height.which result in loss of my hairs..my hairs were very healthy and thick and now i am 18 years old my hair is a little bit better but there growth is stopped and my hairs are still falling too much...i uses almond oil.it helped me but not tht much...

Answer
Hi Maheem: Thyroid disorders are a common cause hair loss. I hope your treatment and healing of this problem was successful. Even a slight thyroid imbalance can inhibit healthy hair growth and cause hair loss.

Almond oil, used alone is not potent enough to stimulate hair growth. Using essential oils that have rubefacient properties along with the almond oil will make your treatment more effective. Some essential oils to consider include peppermint, rosemary, basil, tea tree, capsicum etc. You can learn more about using essential oils for hair growth at the links provided below. Please let me know if I can help you further.

Sincerely, Melanie Vonzabuesnig

Essential Oils for Hair Loss

http://www.vzbotanicals.com/aromatherapy%20for%20hair%20loss.html

Understanding Female Hair Loss

http://www.vzbotanicals.com/overcomefemalehairloss.html

My Hair Loss Story

http://www.vzbotanicals.com/mystory.html

itchy scalp and thinning hair at the side

2010-03-16T13:30:00.000-07:00

Question
QUESTION: im only 16 and i have been bothered because of my very itchy scalp, also.. the side of my hair next to my ear is thinning, i need to grow my bangs just to cover it. im wondering why and how can i stop this problem. i had my research in the internet and i always see the minoxidil is the medicine i need. is it really? please reply asap. thanks..

ANSWER: The loss of hair with an itchy scalp is frequently a sign of an infection of the hair follicles and the treatment for that would be different depending on the organism causing the problem. Different antibiotics are used for different bacteria or fungus or yeast. You should see a dermatologist before deciding it is something you can do on your own. It may be a skin disease which can cause itch and scaliness and require a prescription cortisone lotion to calm the condition. There are just too many different possibilities to assume it is safe to use some treatment you can buy in the drugstore. If the hair follicles get damaged enough and get scarred you may never get the hairs to grow again.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: i dont really know what to do, as everyone close to me told me that they can see my scalp in my temple part. and ive been scratching all day and sometimes i feel a small something. and ill try to remove it and to see something at the end of my hair. something whitish,yellow something like that.. what is it really. am i going bald?

Answer
Tyrone,

I already answered the question. I can not tell you for certain what you have by email. I can suggest some of the different possibilities and in your case the problem is that you may scar the roots and should see a dermatologist to make sure you are not going to lose those hairs permanently. If you want to try something over the counter first as a treatment while deciding on seeing a dermatologist then try Head and Shoulders Shampoo 1% zinc pyrithione used DAILY for the next two months.

telogen effluvium/ferritin

2010-03-16T13:12:00.000-07:00

Question
QUESTION: i've had several bouts of TE over the years, starting after 9/11 and i believe i'm experiencing another one but wasn't sure. i was very stressed and noticed shedding more than normal and then in the midst of this shedding had to have surgery w/gen anesthesia 7 weeks ago and am still shedding (seems like a combo of emotional stress and anesthesia). my question is how do i know when it's ending? it seemed to be getting better for a few days then worse again then better. if the TE is starting to end, does the hair loss vary like this from day to day? also, if i was already in TE (which my derm said i was) and then had to have surgery, will it make the TE worse or just last longer?

ANSWER: Hello Sue: Your recent surgery can also be contributing to telogen effluvium. Surgery can create a shock or disturbance to the system. As your body may now be using energy to heal from the effects of surgery, repairing your hair growth cycle may become a secondary priority. There is no way to predict how long or how severe telogen effluvium will become. Taking the time to heal properly by taking good care of yourself will give the hair growth cycle the best opportunity to repair itself more efficiently. Essential oil scalp treatments can dramatically improve your hair loss condition by stimulating new hair growth. Essential oils increase energy, nourishment and oxygen supply hair follicles. They also keep the scalp clean, healthy and pliable and help to eliminate any scalp disorders which may inhibit healthy growth. You can learn more about using essential oils got hair and scalp conditions at the links below.

Sincerely, Melanie Vonzabuesnig

Essential Oils for Hair Loss

http://www.vzbotanicals.com/aromatherapy%20for%20hair%20loss.html

Create Your Own Natural Hair Loss Remedies

http://www.vzbotanicals.com/Books%20info.html

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: thank you for answering my question -i have one follow up question- when a bout of TE is beginning to subside, is it typical to have some days of less shedding, then some days more, then a few days of less shedding etc.? i find now if i don't wash my hair for 2 days i lose about 30-40 hairs each day and then on the day i was about 150-200 for the day, but then will have a random day or two of higher shed

thanks

ANSWER: Hi Sue: During telogen effluvium you can have more hairs shed on some days and less on others. It is common to shed more hairs on the days you wash your hair. You won't know if the telogen effluvium is beginning to subside until the amount of hair you are shedding is consistently lower.

Sincerely, Melanie Vonzabuesnig

Understanding Female Hair Loss

http://www.vzbotanicals.com/overcomefemalehairloss.html

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: one final question - my dr put me on iron pills to raise my ferritin level -it was about 20 - the pills worked very quickly (about 5 wks) and my level is now 70 and the dr said i can stop taking them. if i just stop the pills, will my ferritin level drop or should i still keep taking them a bit longer?

thanks

Answer
Hello Sue: If you are maintaining a ferritin level of 70 that is ideal. You may want to have this tested periodically. I prefer using spirulina and/or chlorella for iron. They are natural source (not synthetic) making them easy to digest and absorb without adverse side effects that sometimes come with synthetic iron tablets. Spirulina and chlorella also contain many other valuable nutrients for healthy hair growth and overall health.

Sincerely, Melanie Vonzabuesnig

Essential Oils for Hair Loss

http://www.vzbotanicals.com/aromatherapy%20for%20hair%20loss.html

My Hair Loss Story

http://www.vzbotanicals.com/mystory.html

telogen effluvium cronic

2010-03-16T12:54:00.000-07:00

Question
Hi Melanie. My name is Vale I'm 28 years old. Since 5 years I have hair loss. I fall hair in a few months of the year and then grow back in the other months.The hair that fell to me were all long, with the root.

For dermatologists mine is a telogen effluvium because I have low ferritin (now I've got "9") Of course I am taking iron tablets to get the ferritin up.

Lately I noticed my fall was changed:

First, I find in the sink more and more short hair although the majority are always long.

Second, now fall doesn't stop and continues with thinning increasingly evident in the back of the head at first and now also in the middle row.

I also have a seborrheic dermatitis.

What can I do? Essential oils could help stop the fall?

Sorry for my English but I am not American.

I hope you can help me.

Thank you very much!

Vale

I look forward to your response

Answer
Hello Vale:

Many women with chronic telogen effluvium have low ferritin levels. Getting your ferritin levels up may help. I like to use spirulina and/or chlorella for iron. Because they are natural source (not synthetic) they are easy to absorb and digest and they do not come with adverse side effects of synthetic iron tablets. Spirulina and chlorella also contain many other valuable nutrients for healthy hair growth and overall health.

The shorter hairs are an indication that those hairs went into the telogen (resting) phase prematurely. They did not reach their full growth potential before retreating to the resting/shedding phase. This is common with chronic telogen effluvium.

Your scalp condition may also be contributing to your hair loss. Any scalp disorder can inhibit healthy hair growth and cause hair loss. A healthy scalp is the foundation for healthy hair.

Essential oil scalp treatments can help your condition. They can help clear up the seborrheic condition and also stimulate new hair growth and improve the quality of your hair.

I noticed you emailed me through my website several times. I've tried emailing back to you and my email always comes back undeliverable, so I'm glad I am able to communicate with you through this site. If you have an alternate email please send me a message and I will see if I can respond to it.

Sincerely, Melanie Vonzabuesnig

Essential Oils for Hair Loss

http://www.vzbotanicals.com/aromatherapy%20for%20hair%20loss.html

Understanding Female Hair Loss

http://www.vzbotanicals.com/overcomefemalehairloss.html

Create Your Own Natural Hair Loss Remedies

http://www.vzbotanicals.com/Books%20info.html

hair loss by oil burns

2010-03-16T12:36:00.000-07:00

Question
dear Peter,

i was a few years ago burnt with boiling hot oil on part of my head,the severe burnt part doesnt grow hair.there is little grow on the rest of the burn.please suggest any medicines i could use or would i have to undergo surgery?

thanks

Answer
Dear Trupti,

Hair loss due to a burn such as you describe would have grown back by now in the areas not scarred. In the area of the burn you will need surgery to correct the problem, either by excision of the scar and then hair transplantation or just hair transplantation. This is a common type of problem corrected by experienced hair transplant surgeons. Feel free to send me a photo as well to evaluate.

dry itchy scalp and hair loss

2010-03-16T12:18:00.000-07:00

Question
I am a 24 year old black female who is experiencing very dry itchy scalp and my hair has been thinning and falling out. I began noticing the dry scalp almost a year ago in march of 09 then soon after i started loosing my hair, also around the same time i started breaking out all over my face(can all this be associated?).I really don't understand what can be the cause of this, i had a child in 08/08 and i had an IUD(Paragard) put in 10/08. I've tried so many different hair products and all the doctors say is that maybe its stress, i even recently started taking biotin because i heard it was good for the hair. I don't know what else to do, please HELP!

Answer
It is possible that stress of child birth (post-[partum telogen effluvium) caused your initial hair loss and other stressful factors may have contributed to this causing a Chronic Telogen Effluvium (CTE) which would lead to chronic thinning of your hair. When we see acne flaring at the same time as hair loss we have to wonder if this is because of stress or hormones from the ovary but in any case the result is the same-- you are sensitive to the hormones you have and taking a medication to block those hormones should help. Ask your doctor if you can start spironolactone to block your androgen receptor sites. Dermatologists commonly use 100mg per day for treating acne or hair loss or mustaches in young women. If you have not seen a dermatologist then that is your next step. If you have remind the doctor that the hormones causing PCOS can occur in normal levels in normal young women and cause the same symptoms if they are sensitive to those hormones.

hair loss and breakage

2010-03-16T12:00:00.000-07:00

Question
i have recently noticed that my hair has broken of in places and my hair line has started to recede front and back,i am a hairdresser so i know its not due to colour.my head feels cold to touch and when i put my hands up through it it feels jaggy but its not new hair or spiky hair,it just feels like that. i fell down the stairs and banged my head a few weeks ago and have just came through a breakup,should i worry or get bloods done or is there anything i can do,i started hair vitamins and St johns wart a month ago.it feels so funny in texture as well can U please help

Answer
Hello Joan: Hair loss and breakage along with change in texture that is not due to over-processing could be an indication of an internal imbalance so it may be a good idea to get checked out by a professional. Medications occasionally cause these types of symptoms, so if you are on any medication, especially new medication you may look into that as a possibility. I am not familiar with the possible causes for a cold sensation on scalp. Please let me know if I can help you further.

Sincerely, Melanie Vonzabuesnig

Essential Oil Scalp Massage for Hair Loss

http://www.vzbotanicals.com/aromatherapy%20for%20hair%20loss.html

My Hair Loss Story

http://www.vzbotanicals.com/mystory.html

Losing my hair at fifteen.

2010-03-16T11:41:00.000-07:00

Question
Hello,I'm a fifteen year old girl and over the last three years have experienced a lot of thinning in my hair which has been attributed to my anemia but a little less then a year ago,I noticed a bald spot at the back of my head, a circular bald spot.

It stayed there,the same size,for some time and when I did online research,I was under the impression it would go away naturally but instead its gotten bigger and bigger.

I can't wear my hair up anymore and my hair is so very thin.

what should I do? I'm scared about loosing all my hair? Is there a cure?

please help me.

thanks.

Answer
Hello Pearl: Anemia is a common cause of hair loss. Hopefully you are getting good treatment and you have been able to improve the condition over the years.

A smooth circular bald spot could be an indication of alopecia areata. There are other possible causes for bald spots such as bacterial or fungal scalp infection but the most common cause of bald spots is alopecia areata. Alopecia areata is a fairly common autoimmune condition. The bald patches do sometimes fill in on their own with this condition, but not always. The precarious nature of this disorder makes it very unpredictable.

I also had this condition as a child. I used essential oils very successfully for my own condition. Clinical studies have revealed essential oils to be very effective for alopecia areata. I will include some links from my website which may help you learn more about hair loss and using essential oils and other natural cures. Please let me know if I can help your further.

Sincerely, Melanie Vonzabuesnig

Essential Oil Scalp Massage for Hair Loss

http://www.vzbotanicals.com/aromatherapy%20for%20hair%20loss.html

Teenage Hair Loss

http://www.vzbotanicals.com/articleteenagehairlosscauses.html

My Hair Loss Story

http://www.vzbotanicals.com/mystory.html

women hair loss

2010-03-16T11:23:00.000-07:00

Question
Hi,

I'm 36 years old and I have been experiencing hair thinning and hair loss. Up to this point I have always had healthy hair. It began with breaking off and now has thinned out on the top. I'm now also loosing it in the back. I went to a dermatologist and was told I had androgenic alopecia. I was placed on rogaine and told I would be on it for the rest of my life. I had blood work which include cbc,cmp,ferritin,dhea,testosterone total and free,and ana all were normal. I have been on the rogaine for approx 3 weeks and it hasn't helped the shedding yet. Is there additional blood work that should be done? What medications are available to females that work best. Should I get a scalp biopsy? Should I see someone who specializes in female hair loss versus the dermatologist? Should I see an endrocrinologist? Are you fimiliar with therapro products? I started taking biotin and several other vitamins. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to not lose my hair..please help. Thank you.

Answer
Hello Stephanie: With androgenetic (also known as androgenic) alopecia the main characteristic is that some of the hairs in certain areas (bang, top, crown) become thinner, providing less scalp coverage but not actually falling out. This is a slow gradual process. With each new growth cycle the hairs from the affected follicles begin to shrink producing weaker thinner hairs. This is usually triggered when a change in hormonal balance causes androgens (male hormones) to have more influence. Any problem with ovaries or adrenal glands (such as over or under production of cortisol) can also trigger androgenetic alopecia.

Relevant blood tests include total testosterone, free testosterone, SHBG, DHEAS, FAH, LH and prolactin.

Excessive shedding from the roots is a characteristic of telogen effluvium. This type of hair loss is usually temporary and reversible once the underlying issue is determined and addressed.

The most common cause of breakage is from external causes such as over-processing. Certain medications and illnesses can cause breakage. Fungal infection of the scalp or hair can also weaken the shaft and cause breakage.

Any professional that you see for your hair loss condition should be highly experienced with hair loss problems, otherwise they may not be able to help you properly. More often than not, a scalp biopsy is not neccessary. Most problems can be determined by evaluation and microscopic examination. Scalp biopsies are often used to determine if scarring is present.

I do not get involved with synthetic medications. My focus is natural therapies, especially essential oils. They are very potent and effective but do not come with the adverse side effects of synthetic medications. I will include some links so you can learn more about the types and causes of female hair loss and using natural treatments for hair loss. Feel free to browse my website for articles and information. Please let me know if I can help you further.

Sincerely, Melanie Vonzabuesnig

Understanding Female Hair Loss

http://www.vzbotanicals.com/overcomefemalehairloss.html

Essential Oil Scalp Massage for Hair Loss

http://www.vzbotanicals.com/aromatherapy%20for%20hair%20loss.html

Hair Loss

2010-03-16T11:05:00.000-07:00

Question
Hi Melanie,

My hair has been falling out at an alarming rate lately. I have about a quarter of what I had a year ago. My hair is very fine, straight, 18" long. It's never been dyed or permed. The hair I have left is very healthy. I have a good diet and take a multi vitamin as well as an Omega 3-6-9 every day. However, I have gotten in the habit of brushing my hair all the time. I use a Mason Pearson brush, which I couldn't use for a long time because it hurt too much (I have sensitive skin). Could excessive brushing be the cause of my hair loss? I can think of no other explaination. I am 30 years old and in good health. Any advice you could give me would be appreciated.

Thank you,

Elizabeth

Answer
Hello Elizabeth:

Over-brushing does not usually cause hair loss. If you are brushing harshly through tangled hair it could cause breakage but not actual hair loss. If the brushing has caused damage to your sensitive scalp you may want to focus on healing the scalp. Any type of scalp disorder can inhibit healthy hair growth and lead to hair loss.

Because you say your hair is falling out at an alarming rate your condition sounds more like telogen effluvium. Telogen effluvium can occur anytime the body feels a change, imbalance or disturbance in which it has a difficult time adjusting to. It can be physical or emotional in nature. Even a minor imbalance can cause this condition. Telogen effluvium is often temporary and self-correcting. Other times the underlying issue must be determined and addressed. Some common causes of telogen effluvium include medications, vaccination (including flu shot) birth control, change in diet/weight, stress, exposure to toxins or allergens, infection, high fever, nutritional imbalance, low iron/ferritin, illness. The hair usually begins to shed approximately 2-3 months later. I used essential oil treatments very successfully for my own chronic telogen effluvium. You can learn more about the types and causes of female hair loss and using essential oils for hair growth at the links subdivided below. Feel free to browse my website for more information and articles. Please let me know if I can help you further.

Sincerely, Melanie Vonzabuesnig

Essential Oil Scalp Massage for Hair Loss

http://www.vzbotanicals.com/aromatherapy%20for%20hair%20loss.html

Understanding Female Hair Loss

http://www.vzbotanicals.com/overcomefemalehairloss.html

Hair loss treatments for women

2010-03-16T10:47:00.000-07:00

Question
I have been dealing with hair loss for 20 years. My hair improved during my pregnancies, but since the birth of my last child 7 years ago, my hair is having a harder time recovering. I was put on a low estrogen dose bcp after my pregnancy and I started spironolactone (200mg) 5 years ago. I thought things were improving but I have noticed a gradual thinning after one ovary was removed 3 years ago. So I finally started Rogaine 3 months ago and asked my GYN to give me a higher estrogen dose bcp to help with the thinning. I see tons of growth, which gives me hope. My dermatologists wants to add propecia to see if that will help too, but I'm resistant to trying it. My question is this: Should I explore Avodart instead of Propecia and drop Sprio or should I try it in addition to the Spiro? Thank you so much for your help!

Answer
The change to more estrogen was a good move. Being on spironolactone 200mg per day is also good for blocking (blocks androgen receptor sites) the hormones from telling the hairs to age. It is usually used as a diuretic to get rid of extra body fluid in women with high blood pressure. If your blood pressure tends to be high this is a double bonus. You should take in extra table salt with this dosage since it causes you to get rid of NaCl. Avodart is far superior to Propecia in blocking the Type I 5alpha reductase enzyme in the skin and hair. The only downside is that it stays in the body much longer and can be measured several months after stopping it. This is of concern in women who can still become pregnant. Avodart is the best medication we have to prevent DHT formation but there will still be some floating around. I would suggest continuing spironolactone 100 to 200 mg / day to block the receptor sites especially if you have some problems with high blood pressure, if not then 50 to 100 per day.

Ferritin levels

2010-03-16T10:29:00.000-07:00

Question
I have been dealing with hairloss for 20 years. I was on a low estrogen dose bcp and spiro for 5 years. I have noticed a slow, gradual thinning after one ovary was removed 3 years ago. I asked my GYN to put me on a higher estrogen dose bcp and I finally decided to try Rogaine 3 months ago. I see tons of new growth, but I don't know if there is more that I can do to improve regrowth. My ferritin levels are consistently low - between 4-11. I'm tested every 6 months and I can't seem to improve the number. One reason is that I can't take iron for longer than a few weeks b/c of the constipation. I see that you recommend spirulina. Can you please tell me more of that, I'm anxious to see if my low ferritin levels are partially responsible for my hair loss. Thanks so much! carla

Answer
Hi Carla:

I use spirulina and chlorella as part of my daily diet. They are natural food sources--not synthetic made-made vitamin supplements. They contain high quality protein, most amino acids, iron, zinc, essential fatty acids, probiotics, anti-oxidants and many other nutrients necessary for healthy hair growth and overall health. They do not cause constipation as synthetic iron does. These food supplements may help get your ferritin levels in a better range and will also assure you of getting excellent nutrition.

My main remedy is essential oil treatment but you cannot use at the same time as using Rogaine. Please let me know if I can help you further.

Sincerely, Melanie Vonzabuesnig

Understanding Female Hair Loss

http://www.vzbotanicals.com/overcomefemalehairloss.html

Hair loss treatments for women

2010-03-16T10:11:00.000-07:00

Question
QUESTION: I have been dealing with hair loss for 20 years. My hair improved during my pregnancies, but since the birth of my last child 7 years ago, my hair is having a harder time recovering. I was put on a low estrogen dose bcp after my pregnancy and I started spironolactone (200mg) 5 years ago. I thought things were improving but I have noticed a gradual thinning after one ovary was removed 3 years ago. So I finally started Rogaine 3 months ago and asked my GYN to give me a higher estrogen dose bcp to help with the thinning. I see tons of growth, which gives me hope. My dermatologists wants to add propecia to see if that will help too, but I'm resistant to trying it. My question is this: Should I explore Avodart instead of Propecia and drop Sprio or should I try it in addition to the Spiro? Thank you so much for your help!

ANSWER: The change to more estrogen was a good move. Being on spironolactone 200mg per day is also good for blocking (blocks androgen receptor sites) the hormones from telling the hairs to age. It is usually used as a diuretic to get rid of extra body fluid in women with high blood pressure. If your blood pressure tends to be high this is a double bonus. You should take in extra table salt with this dosage since it causes you to get rid of NaCl. Avodart is far superior to Propecia in blocking the Type I 5alpha reductase enzyme in the skin and hair. The only downside is that it stays in the body much longer and can be measured several months after stopping it. This is of concern in women who can still become pregnant. Avodart is the best medication we have to prevent DHT formation but there will still be some floating around. I would suggest continuing spironolactone 100 to 200 mg / day to block the receptor sites especially if you have some problems with high blood pressure, if not then 50 to 100 per day.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your time Dr. Panagotacos. I'll explore Avodart with my Dermatologist next appt., it shouldn't be a problem for me since I don't plan for anymore children. Just one more thing - since my hair loss became an issue, I have found the need to see many different types of doctors. My derm and endo are much more aggressive in treating this problem than my GP. My GP doesn't approve of Spiro long term and would like me to quit taking it - not for specific problems pertaining to my health, but b/c he believes that it could cause problems down the line. How do you feel about the safety of spiro? Thank you again.

Answer
I agree with your Derm and Endo. I do not think your GP has a good enough understanding of the hormonal interactions. Spironolactone is not a hormone. It blocks the androgen receptor sites and has not been implicated in any increase in breast cancer. Nevertheless there are warnings about its use and doctors who are afraid to use it because of the warnings which are unwarranted.

sudden hair loss

2010-03-16T09:53:00.000-07:00

Question
I have experienced sudden hair loss. It began to shed a bit more in mid-October, but after I got the flu in November it started coming out like crazy for about 2 1/2 months. Wash days I had over 500 hairs.

I am not sure of the cause. All blood work fine. Feel fine, aside from massive anxiety.

I have been on birth control since I was 15 to help me get my periods regularly (I am a runner who would miss my periods due to high mileage). Never had any side effects. I am now 24. I went off the pill from March to mid-June to see if I could get my periods back without the pill. I did. My hair feel out a little while off the pill, but nothing concerning. I went back on the pill in mid-July. My hair was growing long and looking great. Then, mid-October/November hit. My hair came out so much I started looking at wigs just in case.

What could have caused this? I have been much more stressed in my life than I was this summer, although I did start a new job in July. Although I had a new job last July too.

I am just trying to figure out why my hair fell out. It was really scary and I am scared it will start up again. I was on antibiotics in December, and the hair loss seemed to pick up the day I started them. About a week after I stopped the antibiotics, the hair loss started to slow to the normal range of 100 hairs a day. It has been like that for about 2 weeks now. A doctor looked at my hair and said that there is re-growth.

Any ideas?

Answer
Hello Alyssa: Starting, stopping or switching birth control medications can trigger hair loss. It is possible that this has triggered your condition. Whenever the body feels a change, disturbance or imbalance in which it has a difficult time adjusting to the hair growth cycle can become disrupted, sending more hairs than usual to the resting (telogen) stage where they will then be shed approximately 3 months later. Thinking back to the months prior to the shed may provide clues. Getting off the birth control required an adjustment for your body and then getting back on required another adjustment. If you switched the type of birth control, this could also be a factor.

The type of hair loss that causes excessive shedding is known as telogen effluvium Although it is possible that the birth control changes have triggered your hair loss, there are also many other possibilities. Any type of infection including flu (especially when high fever is present) can trigger telogen effluvium. Telogen effluvium triggered by the flu is usually temporary and self-correcting.

Often it is a combination of factors that are causing the body to feel out-of-balance triggering the telogen effluvium. Because you altered birth control, were under extreme stress and had the flu during the same time period, together this may have been difficult for your body to adjust to.

When telogen effluvium is self-correcting the shedding usually begins to taper off about 3 months after the body adjusts.

Other common causes of telogen effluvium include vaccination, medications, extreme stress, exposure to allergens or toxins, change in diet/weight, nutritional imbalance, illness, etc.

I used essential oils very successfully for my own chronic telogen effluvium. You can learn more about the types and causes of female hair loss and using essential oils for hair growth at the links provided below. Feel free to browse my website for my articles and information. Please let me know if I can help you further.

Sincerely, Melanie Vonzabuesnig

Understanding Female Hair Loss

http://www.vzbotanicals.com/overcomefemalehairloss.html

Essential Oils for Hair Loss

http://www.vzbotanicals.com/aromatherapy%20for%20hair%20loss.htm

Create Your Own Natural Hair Loss Remedies

http://www.vzbotanicals.com/Books%20info.html

Shaving Hair

2010-03-16T09:35:00.000-07:00

Question
I'm a 20 year old female and have been experiencing Telogen Effluvium due to low iron/poor diet since August. I'm aware that it'll grow back and everything but I'm just so sick of dealing with it in the shower and throughout the day. I've recently been thinking about shaving my head for cancer! I asked my hair dresser who knows about my telogen effluvium and she did not recommend it because she said the scalp will thicken up and it'll be harder for the hairs that I have lost to grow back in... is this true? Is shaving your head a bad idea while experiencing temporary hair loss?

Thanks!!

Answer
The advice you got has no basis in reality. You can shave your scalp and there will be no change in how fast your hair grows back or what quality it is. Actually we advise women to cut their hair short so it will all grow out evenly when it does grow, shaving is a bit more extreme but will make no difference. I think it is a good idea.

Scalp Inflammation

2010-03-16T09:17:00.000-07:00

Question
I have telogen effluvium due to diet reasons. At the beginning of the effluvium, my scalp seemed really itchy and almost like it was burning. I've researched this and I've found that it could possibly be scalp inflammation? However, the redness and burning have mostly gone away and now my scalp is just itchy some of the time. I've also read that this can cause scarring and hair lost will not grow back... is this true?

Answer
Hello Kathy:

Scarring alopecia, also known as cicatricial alopecia is rare. The most common causes of scarring alopecia are from chemical burns resulting from the use of harsh products such as relaxers, deep untreated scalp infection and lesions caused by discoid lupus.

If your telogen effluvium was caused by nutritional imbalances, correcting the diet should correct the problem. Once the diet is corrected it may still take 3-6 months to see begin seeing improvements.

There is a condition called burning scalp syndrome also known as scalp dysesthesia or trichodynia, in which for unknown reasons the scalp may feel like it's burning, tingly or itchy. Hair loss may also be present with these symptoms.

You may want to have your scalp examined by an expert who specializes in hair and scalp conditions. If scarring is suspected, a scalp biopsy may be recommended.

Please let me know if I can help you further.

Sincerely, Melanie Vonzabuesnig

Understanding Female Hair Loss

http://www.vzbotanicals.com/overcomefemalehairloss.html

Scalp Inflammation

2010-03-16T08:59:00.000-07:00

Question
QUESTION: I have telogen effluvium due to diet reasons. At the beginning of the effluvium, my scalp seemed really itchy and almost like it was burning. I've researched this and I've found that it could possibly be scalp inflammation? However, the redness and burning have mostly gone away and now my scalp is just itchy some of the time. I've also read that this can cause scarring and hair lost will not grow back... is this true?

ANSWER: Hello Kathy:

Scarring alopecia, also known as cicatricial alopecia is rare. The most common causes of scarring alopecia are from chemical burns resulting from the use of harsh products such as relaxers, deep untreated scalp infection and lesions caused by discoid lupus.

If your telogen effluvium was caused by nutritional imbalances, correcting the diet should correct the problem. Once the diet is corrected it may still take 3-6 months to see begin seeing improvements.

There is a condition called burning scalp syndrome also known as scalp dysesthesia or trichodynia, in which for unknown reasons the scalp may feel like it's burning, tingly or itchy. Hair loss may also be present with these symptoms.

You may want to have your scalp examined by an expert who specializes in hair and scalp conditions. If scarring is suspected, a scalp biopsy may be recommended.

Please let me know if I can help you further.

Sincerely, Melanie Vonzabuesnig

Understanding Female Hair Loss

http://www.vzbotanicals.com/overcomefemalehairloss.html

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for your answer!

Also, a couple weeks ago I used the shampoo/conditioner/leave-in treatment Nioxin for 2 weeks. After the two weeks, my scalp dried out and I had red, irritating bumps. I stopped using the treatment but could these be lesions that would cause permanent hair loss?

And since I'm hoping and praying that most of my hair will grow back... do you recommend a shampoo/conditioner that wont clog the hair follicles and that will create a good environment for hair regrowth (which I was hoping for with Nioxin).. are drug store ones okay? Because I've heard they contain wax that will prevent growth...or is that something I should be worried about?

Thanks so much!

Answer
Hi Kathy: The red irritating bumps you experienced was most likely a type of dermatitis and would not be likely to cause any scarring. Because your scalp is in a sensitive condition you are more susceptible to irritation and dermatitis. Right now it is best to use mild products with natural ingredients. Coconut oil scalp massage is often recommended for dry, sensitive, itchy, inflamed scalp. In Ayurveda coconut oil is known to be a "cooling" oil. You may also try rinsing your hair with a TBS of cider vinegar in your final rinse water. Once the inflammation is gone, you may use more potent treatments.

Sincerely, Melanie Vonzabuesnig

Create Your Own Natural Hair Loss Remedies

http://www.vzbotanicals.com/Books%20info.html

Essential Oil Scalp Massage for Hair Loss

http://www.vzbotanicals.com/aromatherapy%20for%20hair%20loss.html

hair loss

2010-03-16T08:41:00.000-07:00

Question
I'm a black 31 year old male. i have been growing my mustache 4 about a year and a half and all of a sudden i started getting bald spots and wanted 2 know what if anythang i could do to make my hair grow back

Answer
Most likely sudden bald spots in your mustache means you have developed Alopecia Areata.

You can read more about this at:

www.AlopeciaAreata.com

http://dermnetnz.org/hair-nails-sweat/alopecia-areata.html

http://www.aocd.org/skin/dermatologic_diseases/alopecia_areata.html

Shaving Hair

2010-03-16T08:23:00.000-07:00

Question
QUESTION: I'm a 20 year old female and have been experiencing Telogen Effluvium due to low iron/poor diet since August. I'm aware that it'll grow back and everything but I'm just so sick of dealing with it in the shower and throughout the day. I've recently been thinking about shaving my head for cancer! I asked my hair dresser who knows about my telogen effluvium and she did not recommend it because she said the scalp will thicken up and it'll be harder for the hairs that I have lost to grow back in... is this true? Is shaving your head a bad idea while experiencing temporary hair loss?

Thanks!!

ANSWER: The advice you got has no basis in reality. You can shave your scalp and there will be no change in how fast your hair grows back or what quality it is. Actually we advise women to cut their hair short so it will all grow out evenly when it does grow, shaving is a bit more extreme but will make no difference. I think it is a good idea.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for the reply!

I was also wondering if it makes a difference in the shampoos and conditioners you use while so many follicles are exposed. Do drug store quality ones contain ingredients, such as wax, that will clog the follicle and possibly prevent regrowth? Is there any kind that you recommend? Thanks again :)

Answer
There is a lot of money spent by the cosmetic industry to make you think there is a difference in shampoos which will help you follicles grow better hair. Do not believe them. I recommend you use the shampoo which makes your scalp and hair feel better and make the hair more manageable. The only shampoo proven to perhaps make for better growing hair and a healthier follicle is one that has 1% zinc pyrithione such as Head and Shoulders or Neutrogena Daily Control Shampoo. I personally use daily and recommend a 2% zinc pyrithione shampoo, - DHSzinc made by Person-Covey.

hair fall

2010-03-16T08:05:00.000-07:00

Question
sir i am 16 year old and my hair fall have started whenever i put anything in my hair like shampoo, oil or cream many hair comes in my hand i am taking medicines like diprovate to stop hair fall please give me some suggestion to stop hair fall?

Answer
It is normal to lose 50 to 100 hairs per day. The hairs start over again from the same hair follicle and are visible in about 3 months. If you had something stress you out, whether it was a physical illness or emotional stress you could have developed what is called a Telogen Effluvium. This usually goes back to normal in six months.

You can read about this at: http://www.aocd.org/skin/dermatologic_diseases/alopecia_areata.html

Shampooing daily or once a month will result in the same total number of hairs lost per month. Because people notice more hair lost when they shampoo they think that the shampoo causes the loss. That is not true. Hairs normally move up and fall out naturally but when you shampoo the loose hairs come out more easily at that time and not randomly all day long.

At this site you can read something more about the myths of hair loss

http://www.ahlc.org/causes-f.htm

In my book "Hair Loss Answers by the Hair Doc" which you can read for free online at www.HairDoc.com you will find a chapter on hair growth cycles and another on causes of hair loss.

I am 18 and have a small patch of no hair growth

2010-03-16T07:47:00.000-07:00

Question
Hello, I am 18 and i have an area in my head by the back to my head close to my ear. I have a patch which has no hair growth. When i was younger(10), I caught a hair fungus in school. I went to a doctor and prescribe me a medicated shampoo which work but affected how my hair growed. My hair was growing very slow after this hair fungus. Now, I have no symptoms of that, but I had this patch for about 8 months that will just not grow any hair in this area. my hair just is not growing vey good and im getting real insecure about this situation. Do you have any suggestions on this problems

Answer
You really need to be seen by a dermatologist to find out if this is a condition called Alopecia Areata which is an autoimmune disorder where you develop an allergic reaction to your own hair and reject them. You can read more about this condition at www.AlopeciaAreata.com or at http://www.aocd.org/skin/dermatologic_diseases/alopecia_areata.html

The treatment for this is to use something to interfere with the allergic reaction.

The hair loss could also be the result of an infection of the hair follicles and would need for you to take an antibiotic to allow the hair to grow back. This can lead to scarring of the roots and the hairs may never grow back. A dermatologist is a doctor who specializes in skin and hair and you will be able to get the right diagnosis and treatment much more quickly by going there first.

dandruff and hairloss

2010-03-16T07:29:00.000-07:00

Question
hi. i am suffering from alot of dandruff. its itchy and flaky. .iv tried almost everything but nothing works..iv alot of hairfall and many greys .is it all interrelated? i also have dry, itchy, flaky patches that are darker then the rest of my skin on my legs and arms. .i got them a year back but i have had dandruff from childhood. can the patches and dandruff be related. .please gimme a saolution to get rid of the dandruff and prevent hairfall and promote hairgrowth. thank u for ur time.

Answer
Hello Tanya:

Whenever hair loss is accompanied by a scalp condition, it is a priority is to heal the scalp. A clean healthy scalp is the foundation for healthy hair growth. Any scalp disorder can inhibit hair growth and cause hair to become weak, fragile and more prone to hair loss. Essential oil scalp treatments are often very effective on dandruff. They can provide tremendous relief from the itchiness associated with dandruff. Rinsing with a bit of cider vinegar in your final rinse water can also provide relief. You can learn more about using essential oils for scalp and hair disorders at the links below.

The hyper pigmented, itchy patches on your arms and legs should be seen by a medical professional as it could be a symptom of an internal imbalance. If you had some sort of skin condition that caused itchiness and you continued scratching it could have caused darkening of the skin in those areas. Otherwise darkening of the skin could be a sign of hormonal imbalance such as Addison's which can also cause hair loss. B12 deficiency can cause hair loss, darkening of the skin and premature grey hair. Please let me know if I can help you further.

Sincerely, Melanie Vonzabuesnig

Androgenetic Alpoceia

2010-03-16T07:11:00.000-07:00

Question
HI Peter,

I just came back from visiting my Dermatologist.

I have just received the sad news I have androgenetic alpoceia. My dad has it too I guess. It appears my dad went the hair transplant route in the 70's and 80's. It worked for him, but as he is in his late 60's now, the balness has really taken hold on him.

Anyway, I am 34 (and a bit). I take very good care of myself (weight lift and cardio and eat well). My hair is still pretty good, looking at me you could not tell I am going thin. I have just noticed thinning. It mostly looks thin when my hair is wet. So I guess I have caught it at a very early stage.

I have some concerns/questions about my diagnosis;

1. The Doctor has prescribed me some Proscar. I am to cut the tablet up and take 1mg daily. I am concerned that taking Proscar will cause some side effects. Are there any known long term side effects? We are considering a 3rd child and I am not clear on whether that can cause birth defects.

2. Is Proscar truly effective? Will it cause re-growth? I have heard that initially it can cause shedding and that terrifies me.

3. Will I need to take Proscar the rest of my life? What happens if you stop taking Proscar? How quick does the hair fall out?

4. The Doctor also suggested I use Minoxidil. I was wondering though if I truly needed to use the Minoxidil or if I could just take the Proscar? Is this in the form of a shampoo too? I guess that would not be bad to use (other than cost) as I generally use nizoral. It would just be another shampoo.

5. Personally I would really prefer to not take Proscar and Minoxidil and would much prefer to use natural supplements. I have been taking Saw Palmetto, Nizoral and natural shampoos the past 2 months. I wish this would work. Maybe it would over time, but I am not sure if I want to chance it.

I am quite anxious about this news today and would really appreciate your advice.

Thanks,

Answer
1. Proscar is simply 5 times the dose of Propecia and it works well to stop hair loss either as 1mg per day or 5mg per day. The side effects are minimal. Only one person in 400 stopped taking Propecia in the drug trial done for the FDA. You can read more about this at www.Propecia.com

2. Proscar and Propeciai are effective. 85% of men stop going bald after being on them for a year. After one year most men had more hair than when they started. Again you can read about this at www.Proepcia.com

3.When you stop taking the medication you will gradually begin to lose your hair again as you are now. You will not age overnight but will lose hair gradually at the rate you are losing them now.

4. Minoxidil makes the hair grow thicker and longer but does not prevent the hairs from aging and if you were to use it for twenty years and then stopped you would lose all the hairs it kept alive in the next three months.

5.There are no "natural" ways of keeping your hair alive and blocking male pattern baldness from developing. I think you would be wasting your money hoping to see hair grow by using the shampoos you mentioned.

Androgenetic Alpoceia

2010-03-16T06:53:00.001-07:00

Question
HI Michael,

I just came back from visiting my Dermatologist.

I have just received the sad news I have androgenetic alpoceia. My dad has it too I guess. It appears my dad went the hair transplant route in the 70's and 80's. It worked for him, but as he is in his late 60's now, the balness has really taken hold on him.

Anyway, I am 34 (and a bit). I take very good care of myself (weight lift and cardio and eat well). My hair is still pretty good, looking at me you could not tell I am going thin. I have just noticed thinning. It mostly looks thin when my hair is wet. So I guess I have caught it at a very early stage.

I have some concerns/questions about my diagnosis;

1. The Doctor has prescribed me some Proscar. I am to cut the tablet up and take 1mg daily. I am concerned that taking Proscar will cause some side effects. Are there any known long term side effects? We are considering a 3rd child and I am not clear on whether that can cause birth defects.

2. Is Proscar truly effective? Will it cause re-growth? I have heard that initially it can cause shedding and that terrifies me.

3. Will I need to take Proscar the rest of my life? What happens if you stop taking Proscar? How quick does the hair fall out?

4. The Doctor also suggested I use Minoxidil. I was wondering though if I truly needed to use the Minoxidil or if I could just take the Proscar? Is this in the form of a shampoo too? I guess that would not be bad to use (other than cost) as I generally use nizoral. It would just be another shampoo.

5. Personally I would really prefer to not take Proscar and Minoxidil and would much prefer to use natural supplements. I have been taking Saw Palmetto, Nizoral and natural shampoos the past 2 months. I wish this would work. Maybe it would over time, but I am not sure if I want to chance it.

I am quite anxious about this news today and would really appreciate your advice.

Thanks,

Answer
1. In some men Propecia/Proscar inhibits sex. The man is unable to have an erection. Women are not supposed to touch the medication especially if there is a male child involved as there can be birth defects.

2. I would say that Proscar is 75% effective. It can stop hair loss as well as grow hair in most men

3. If you stop Proscar the hair will eventually revert back meaning you will loose all the hair that grew back and that was stopped from falling out.

4. Some of the patients that I have treated say that taking Proscar and topical Minoxidil was more effective than using one of the medications alone.

5. Nizoral and natural shampoos do not work for hair loss. There are no scientific studies to show that Saw Palmetto is effective for male pattern hair loss.

alcohol/marriage issues

2010-03-14T00:09:00.000-08:00

Question
Hi, I have been married to my husband for 16years. I left him about a year ago because I no longer could put up with the way we were living our life. We do have a daughter she is 14yrs old now and my husband is a wonderful father. But he is a drinker. He drinks every single night. Started out with just a six pack but increased to a twelve pack daily. He only drinks at home and doesnt start drinking till about 7pm. He says its just to relax him because he cant sit still. Our life has been revolved around his drinking and he does not want to believe it as I tried to explain to him what its like for me. Asking him to stop has only made me a "nag" in his eyes and over the years he witheld intimacy from me and any affection that a man and a woman should share. He always rejected sex saying it was never the right time and I got tired of being rejected so the last 3years we had no sex at all. I felt like a roomate and no longer could deal with it. He would never go to the movies or anywhere with me or our daughter if it was going to be between the time of his drinking hours. He would make up excuses that he is just not into what we wanted to do and therefore I was always alone. Alcoholism runs in his family but his family would not help me talk to him. His mother told me that he would let go of our marriage before he would stop drinking because thats what her own father did to her mother. Other then that my husband is a wonderful father and a hard worker. He just is naive and does not want to believe that its his drinking that has ruined our marriage.. He wants to tell himself that we are just different people. Is drinking that much a problem? Do you think that his libido decreased due to the alcohol? Is it normal to have these issues of marriage problems due to alcohol?

Answer
Hello Dana,

Thank you for your question. Yes, marriage issues are a major phenomena in an alcoholic relationship. Let me first explain to you what kind of an alcoholic your husband is and how you could help him and yourself in order to save your marriage.

Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive and lifelong disease. It cannot be cured but can only be arrested by total abstinence. The face of the alcoholic needs to be changed and the walls of denial must be broken down in order that alcoholics everywhere can receive proper diagnosis and treatment.

By your description, your husband is what is called a ?functional alcoholic.? Functional alcoholics often go undetected because they do not fit the image of the "typical" alcoholic. A ?typical? alcoholic is a ?skid-row? bum, always drinks in the morning, is homeless, penniless, always getting caught up with the law, etc. The list goes on and on. These are just a few of the stereotypes about alcoholics which are pervasive throughout society. These stereotypes increase denial and prevent many alcoholics from getting proper diagnosis and treatment. Functional alcoholics defy these stereotype and often go undetected because they do not fit the image of the "typical" alcoholic. Functional alcoholic is one who is able to maintain his or her outside life, such as a job, home, family, and friendships, all while drinking alcoholically. Functional alcoholic have the same disease as the stereotypical "skid-row" alcoholic, but it manifests or progresses differently. Many are not viewed by society as being alcoholic, because they have functioned, succeeded and/or over-achieved throughout their lifetimes. These achievements often lead to an increase in personal denial as well as denial from colleagues and loved ones. So as the years slip by, their lives and their livers deteriorate, and yet they continue to function. This continues till they come to the stage of ?hitting bottom? where they start losing their job, their relationships become dysfunctional, have financial difficulties, some of them become homeless, or simply die a horrible alcoholic death. The point is that addictive drinking leads to underfunctioning, and underfunctioning people do not live up to their potential and in the end usually quell their dreams.

Alcohol is a major cause of impotence (erectile dysfunction). Years of drinking does reduce the libido & this is the reason your husband is disinterested in sex. A visit to a therapist should do you both good.

There is always hope for an alcoholic. There are lots of treatment options but the one option where millions of alcoholics have recovered and are leading a happy, sober life is the recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Try to contact the nearest group of AA and ask one of its members to come and talk to your husband. And for you, is the Al-Anon (a part of AA for family & friends of alcoholics). At Al-Anon meetings you will meet like minded people who have suffered the same way you have. Here you will get an insight of how to deal with an alcoholic spouse.

I think you should get back to him and work things out. Explain to him what a wife wants other than just staying married. Sex is a very important part of a relationship. I'm sure your trip to an Al-Anon meeting and talking things over with him when he is sober, should change the whole scenario.

I hope and pray things work out for you Dana. Please do not hesitate to mail me back if you have any more questions or concerns.

Good bless,

Amarnath

Dating someone in AA

2010-03-13T23:51:00.000-08:00

Question
I just read a question quite similar to mine regarding dating a man currently in AA. I had been with my boyfriend for 6 months, in which he had several relapses (both with alcohol and Xanax.) He had continued to be active in AA throughout his times of relapse - although not always honest with his sponsor. He had not told his sponsor about our relationship. Recently, we had come to realize we were in a serious relationship. When he finally did tell his sponsor, his sponsor told him either to end the relationship or find a new sponsor. My boyfriend chose to end our relationship, telling me he did love me, but he needed to do things his sponsor's way. I am devastated, to say the least, however I understand his sobriety is his top focus. I have been participating in Al-Anon (both before we broke up and I have continued in the program) which is helping, but I am having difficulty accepting the end of our relationship. I have asked my boyfriend if I could speak to his sponsor and his sponsor has refused to speak with me. Putting my boyfriend's sobriety has always been our first priority and I feel as if I am being punished for him being honest with his sponsor. My boyfriend has said once he works a couple steps, maybe could get back together. Al-Anon has taught me to put myself first, so I know that I can't go on expecting to get back with my ex - it won't help me with my recovery. Is there anything I can say or do to help change my ex's or his sponsor's ideas? Or should I give it up and move on with my life?

Answer
Courtney,

    Thank you for your question and for the details. It is a sad fact, but often times a sponsor will overstep the boundaries with the personal life of a sponsee. I have seen it happen way too many times. It is my opinion that we, as sponsors, can suggest to sponsees but we are never, NEVER, to tell them what to do. So, let me assure you that as a 15+ years veteran of the AA recovery program this should not have happened. This sponsor has further violated a very crucial aspect of AA and that is that we never refuse to lend the hand of AA to anyone. To tell a sponsee to get a new sponsor for this reason is abusive of the sponsor/sponsee relationship. Your friend needs to change sponsors rather than be manipulated. It is what we call "triangling" - this sponsor is concerned about you and your relationship with his sponsee but relationships are between two people. The sponsor is meddling in the life of another person who seeks to be in relationship with someone else (you).

    That being said, let me also suggest to you that this young man with whom you have been in relationship is demonstrating an abusive passive-aggressive attitude. He either wants to be in relationship with you honestly and openly or he does not. When he tells you that he must work some steps and then maybe he can come back to the relationship he is demonstrating his immaturity, both in the program, but more importantly, in his own emotions. This is good in one way because you are not being led on, so to speak, but of course, hurtful to you as you feel the sting of loss.

    You will not know his inventory which he is evidently afraid to face for himself and it may be something that he will never be able to face much less share with you. I suspect that there is some sexual nature to the step 4 inventory he is afraid to come clean about.

    I am so glad to see that you are finding recovery to be fulfilling to yourself and your own personal growth. Too many times, people in relationship with alcoholics will become disillusioned with recovery when the other struggles in their own program and then all is lost for all involved. Stick with the program and continue to learn about yourself. Yes, it will hurt to finally decide to let this relationship go and move on but I would suggest that this would be a better course. If you two are meant to be together, then God will make that happen but in the meantime I would not want to waste my time on someone who says they can not love me enough to be honest for today and always.

    I hope this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,

Clyde

Confused by alcoholic ex

2010-03-13T23:33:00.000-08:00

Question
Hi Todd. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I was involved with an alcoholic for 3 years. For the first 6 months he was in and out of hospital after drinking binges. He would drink for 4 days or so, dry out for a few then do it all again. He then decided he wanted to join the army, he felt it would give him direction. I supported him in this so moved from my home into his while he was away and cared for his teenage children. Of course he came home on leave for Xmas etc and but all he did was drink. He was then posted to the other side of the country so the kids and I packed up and moved to be with him. His time in the forces lasted 2 years all up. They discharged him because of his drinking, he was awol a lot. I couldn't take any more, he was drunk more than he was sober. In fact if you added up the total days together he was sober the whole time, they wouldn't come to more than a couple of months. I moved back to my home town to be with my family and friends. That was 3 months ago. Then I got a phone call a month ago out of the blue from him to say that he was giving up the drink for good. He also seemed to think if he did this I would chuck everything in back here and go running back to the other side of the country again! I doubt very much that he is going to AA (he has only ever been when forced) and the only counselling he would be receiving is minimal. He has also taken anti alcohol drugs in the past which he reports as not being helpful (especially the ones you can't drink on!!). My question is - do you think it is possible for someone like this who is an alcoholic and has been most of their adult life from what I can make out to all of a sudden make such a dramatic change almost over night. I'm not about to make any dramatic changes to my life like dropping everything and running across the country again but if I thought there was reason for optimism I would keep in contact with him and see where it goes. On the other hand, I'm working hard to get my life back on track and don't want to sabotage myself by hanging on to what may not be worth hanging on to. Hope this makes sense. Thanks for your time.

Answer

Beverley Glazer MA. IC

Hi Anne,

It's Bev here, not Todd.

Seems like you've been up and down quite a rocky road with this guy, but you're now in a good place, and not simply going to leave because he says he's stopped drinking. That's a good thing.

To answer your question: Yes, it's possible for an alcoholic to stop 'cold turkey'. But he also has to learn to live a life without escaping to alcohol whenever he's lonely, frustrated, angry, happy etc. This is what AA calls being a 'dry drunk' - someone who doesn't know what to do with his emotions and is in a nasty mood, because he needs a drink, but not taking it. These people can be miserable and make everyone around them just as miserable. For this reason AA has a psychological aspect to the program -- doing the Steps.

Here's what they are: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/12-step-program-of-aa.html

He's supposed to work the steps with his sponsor, which is quite a humbling experience.

It's a good thing that he stopped drinking, but he still should go to meetings, pick a sponsor and work on the steps, or see an addiction counselor to help him overcome the issues that brought him to addiction in the first place. Suggest that he gets the help that he needs, but if he doesn't, be very cautious about his long term recovery.

Don't give up anything that's you've taken so long to build. Recovery is a long hard road, and this guy doesn't have much of a track record. Take it really slowly with this guy.

I hope this information is helpful,

Thank you for asking AllExperts

Good luck!!

Bev,

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com

Alcholic/Addict boyfriend left me.....

2010-03-13T23:15:00.001-08:00

Question
Hello,

I am 28 and have no kids. My boyfriend of 3 years recently left me. He did not come home from work (which was common later in the relationship) and I pulled him out of the bar, he was drunk and high and told me he did not love me and wanted out. When I met him I knew he had been in prison for home robbery to support a herion addiction. He convinced me he was ready for a sober life and things were ok for a little bit but he began to have a major drinking incident every few weeks, after which he would be so kind and well behaved until the next time he did it. Then as time went on they became more frequent and he added drugs to the mix. He was lying, not coming home, sneaking around, an so on. I was so unhappy in the realtionship but being co-dependent I stayed with him. A month after he left me he already has a new girlfriend and is very cold to me. I cant understand why he resents me so much, or why I am having such are hard time with the loss of such a toxic relationship. I feel that if I was a codependent maybe things would have worked. Maybe my being codependent drove him to act this way. What can I do to stop the pain. I want to love myself and be happy. I want to stop thinking about him every chance I get. I dont know what to do. I am so confused and hurt. Do you have any suggestions? I am also the daugther of an Alcoholic which from what I read has alot to do with my behavior. Thank you for your time.

Answer

Beverley Glazer MA., I

Hi Carrie,

Your boyfriend probably wanted to have a sober life when he first met you, but he was unable to do it. He needed help -- AA, counseling etc. and he never did the work. No one can stop an alcoholic/addict from doing what they do, but because you're co-dependent, you put up with the abuse and he feels that you'll be around anyway. This is where you have to change.

Don't blame your codependency for the relationship not working out. The relationship didn't work out because this guy is an alcoholic/addict and you can't have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person.

You mentioned that you are a child of an alcoholic, and you've done some reading on this. Here's more info that might help you:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/alcoholic-family.html

There are also other pages on codependency that can be helpful as well.

You are spending to much emotional energy on this guy Carrie, and not putting the energy into yourself. If there are CODA groups in your area, I suggest that you join. Counseling can also be helpful. When you put so much caring into an abusive person, and get nothing back, you lose a lot of self esteem.

For the past 3 years, you have been battered emotionally by this guy. Although it's painful, consider it a good thing that he left. It gives you the opportunity to work on yourself and develop a healthy relationship with someone who appreciates you.

As hard as it is, take this as an opportunity to move on.

I hope this information is helpful,

Thank you for asking AllExperts

All the best!!

Bev

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com

alcholic ex

2010-03-10T23:40:00.000-08:00

Question
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I was involved with an alcoholic for 3 years. For the first 6 months he was in and out of hospital after drinking binges. He would drink for 4 days or so, dry out for a few then do it all again. He then decided he wanted to join the army, he felt it would give him direction. I supported him in this so moved from my home into his while he was away and cared for his teenage children. Of course he came home on leave for Xmas etc and but all he did was drink. He was then posted to the other side of the country so the kids and I packed up and moved to be with him. His time in the forces lasted 2 years all up. They discharged him because of his drinking, he was awol a lot. I couldn't take any more, he was drunk more than he was sober. In fact if you added up the total days together he was sober the whole time, they wouldn't come to more than a couple of months. I moved back to my home town to be with my family and friends. That was 3 months ago. Then I got a phone call a month ago out of the blue from him to say that he was giving up the drink for good. He also seemed to think if he did this I would chuck everything in back here and go running back to the other side of the country again! I doubt very much that he is going to AA (he has only ever been when forced) and the only counselling he would be receiving is minimal. He has also taken anti alcohol drugs in the past which he reports as not being helpful (especially the ones you can't drink on!!). My question is - do you think it is possible for someone like this who is an alcoholic and has been most of their adult life from what I can make out to all of a sudden make such a dramatic change almost over night. I'm not about to make any dramatic changes to my life like dropping everything and running across the country again but if I thought there was reason for optimism I would keep in contact with him and see where it goes. On the other hand, I'm working hard to get my life back on track and don't want to sabotage myself by hanging on to what may not be worth hanging on to. We are both in our 40's. Hope this makes sense. Thanks for your time.

Answer
Hi Anne,

Going from your description of

this guy's drinking I would say

he may have good intentions but

I do not believe he can just quit

an alcohol addiction.

He has probably made promises before

and swore off drinking but that just

doesn't cut it.

This is typical behaviour of alcoholics

as they struggle with finding an easier

softer way of recovering.

Most are just manipulators trying to get their

girlfriends back.

Recovery is rare and difficult. It requires

constant personal work on thoughts, emotions,

and spirituality. It affects all aspects

of a person and requires work on

all these levels to gain any long term recovery.

This is why AA can succeed if a person can

get over their false pride and false hopes

that they can quit on their own.

Without help I fear he will be back drinking before

long. He may talk well but that is not enough.

Love and promises do not stop alcoholism.

You are wise to use caution to prevent

yourself from getting back on that

merry-go-round of grief.

You probably have hopes of him making a turn around.

This is possible but may take many years

and a commitment to recovery which makes no

excuses and includes steady AA for at least a year or more.

He will need AA support if he is to succeed.

If he is still fighting his pride then

he will only suffer more.

Someday he will have to stop fighting

and accept help if he wants to live.

If you feel compelled to involve yourself

with him, then you need to work on

your own co-dependence and letting go.

I wish you both well.

Tequila

2010-03-10T23:22:00.000-08:00

Question
I'm a substance abuse counseling student and this topic came up in class last night: Is tequila a stimulant or depressant? The general consensus seems to be that it is a depressant, like all alcohol. But one student said it's the only alcohol that isn't.

After looking online I'm getting mixed messages. I'm not convinced that it's a stimulant at all but I'd like to know for sure. Thanks for your help.

Answer

Beverley Glazer MA. IC

Hi Rese,

I go with the theory that alcohol is a depressant -- and tequila is no exception.

But for some people, taken is small amounts, tequila can be stimulating.

Nevertheless, tequila is an alcoholic drink and would be classified as a depressant.

I hope this information is helpful,

Thank you for asking AllExperts,

Enjoy your courses

Bev

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com

alcohol, addiction, & rage

2010-03-10T23:04:00.000-08:00

Question
My husband started abusing drugs and alcohol around age 15- his dad even bought him beer, although he got the liquor on his own. The amount he drank is pretty amazing to hear about- it's a wonder he's alive. Around age 19 or 20 he started drinking less, by the age of 21 he had stopped drinking and smoking. I started dating him. By 22-23 he was drinking and smoking again. No liquor, but beer. Lots of fights and drama arose from my discomfort with the amount and the frequency with which he drank. This ended in our marriage counseling session- where I openly stated that I though six beers was enough. He made a show of having changed and recognized his behavior having an impact on me and his health. So for a while it was ok, he stayed to six when he drank and only drank once or twice a week or less. Then he started drinking more again. He also has extreme anger issues- verbally and the smashing holes in walls kind. Since we've been married (a mere six months) he's left me several times due to out of control fights and rage. During these periods he has drank upwards of 30 or 40 beers- even drove once. I have my ways of finding these things out. I recently attended a wedding with him where he drank around 25 beers in an evening. He thinks over the course of several hours this is acceptable, even normal. He has friends who would drink this much if they didn't vomit or pass out first- his resistance is quite built up after his years of alcohol consumption. I could let this break me. His blatant disrespect for me verbally and through his actions and behavior, his failure to recognize or be responsible for his behavior. My parents want me to leave him, as does his own mother. I'm a Christian, and I took my oathe to him very seriously, although I now recognize my folly in taking him for my husband. (God preserve me from his rage should he ever know I felt that way). I don't bother with his behavior anymore- I leave and stay with my parents if he gets abusive, I have clearly stated how I feel about the alcohol- now I tell him it's between him and God. He expects to be worshiped when he has less than six beers... I don't really feel like that's my job. I tell him I'm glad and I'm proud, but that's it. I've been focusing a lot more on me- my life, my choices, how I can be ok apart from him- my marriage does not define me as a person, I do, my relationship with God does. I have wondered if he doesn't suffer from Borderline personality disorder, but he is the sort who won't go into doctors. He stopped going to work 4 months ago, and after collecting paid leave for several months he quit and took a job at a foodplace (on an application his mother filled out). His family enables him still- I've tried to see that I don't. What would you recommend to a young woman in my position? I just turned 24, I'm working two jobs part time and I am still going to school. I know I'm in a tricky situation- I guess I want to believe that prayer and determination can help. He seems to go through these cycles. I've been there for him since he was 18- I've known him since birth. I feel caught and confused- I know I could not get a divorce and not be incredibly scarred from it. I want to work through it and be stronger for it- but I am not young enough to think I'm an exception to the rule. I'd rather be writing this 6 months in then 10 years and 4 kids in. Sometimes I feel crazy- he thinks his behavior is so normal.

Answer
Dear Lauren

You need some counseling. I would tell you to leave him, you don't have to get divorced, but you say that isn't an option. When you leave, you tell him that you can't live with him drunk, that if he wants to sober up then you will move back in.

legal drinking age

2010-03-10T22:46:00.000-08:00

Question
Hi his is mazin, a student at University of Caterbury.Im doing a research about legal drinking age. Could you please answer this question, should legal drinking age be increased or decreased and why?

Answer
Mazin,

In my opinion the legal age is fine

if set at the age a person is considered

an adult.

My reasons are that up until that time

the parents are responsible for

the discipline of their children.

There is no argument for lowering

the drinking age below the "adult"

age group. It gets too complicated

to sort out who is living like

an adult and who is not.

I think the usual age a person

becomes responsible for themself

is the best recourse for

setting the legal drinking limit.

Raising the drinking age has no

basis in my mind. Alcohol problems

are not age related. They are

due to individual choices and

possibly genetic influences in

regard to alcoholism.

I think it is more important

to provide information about

alcohol as an addictive chemical

substance to people of legal

drinking age.

You can not prohibit drinking

with laws but with education

and awareness programs.

Lowering or raising the drinking

age does little to prevent a

determined person from obtaining

alcohol illegally.

It is much better to provide

everyone with knowledge of

alcohols dangers and also

have programs for helping

those that want to get

help when experiencing problems

with alcohol.

Responsibility begins with

the individual, we need to

inform people to be responsible

or face the consequences of their

failure to do so.

The negative consequences of

problem drinking are well documented.

There are legal, moral, financial

and health problems involved.

Raising or lowering drinking

age is not going to affect

people's desire to take

responsibility for their

own behaviour.

Only good parenting, life experience

and education can accomplish that.

Some good roles models in society

don't hurt either.

--

legal drinking age

2010-03-10T22:28:00.000-08:00

Beverley Glazer MA., I

Hi Mazin,

Here in Montreal, Quebec the legal drinking age is 18 and I believe it should stay the same.

At 18, students here are in community colleges and alcohol is easily accessible on and around campuses. An 18 yr. old can drive a car as well. The important message is that they shouldn't drink and drive. It is my opinion that education on drinking responsibly is more important than increasing the legal drinking age.

I hope this is helpful for your research,

Thank you for asking AllExperts

Good luck

Bev

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com

legal drinking age

2010-03-10T22:10:00.000-08:00

Question
Hi his is mazin, a student at University of Canterbury.Im doing a research about legal drinking age. Could you please answer this question, should legal drinking age be increased or decreased and why?

Answer
Mazin,

   Thank you for your question and, yes, I will be happy to respond to it. First, let me say that I am encouraged that someone is willing to do the research in which you are engaged. I commend you for that subject and hope for your success in reaching your conclusions.

    The answer I would give is that the legal drinking age should be increased and even beyond perhaps the usual 21 years of age. Here is my reasoning.

    A young person has two things going against them as they begin to desire the experimentation with alcohol. These two things are subtle and very difficult for them to see because they are "hidden" from them. One of these is the physical nature of their own immaturity. I am a firm believer in the understanding that Alcoholics Anonymous gives in the book by the same title - alcoholism is caused by an "allergy of the body." This allergy is "hidden" from a young person because they have no idea the propensity that their body chemistry and genetic disposition may have towards developing the physical cravings for alcohol. They will be "duped" into the role of an alcohol consumer and not have the slightest notion of what is about to happen to them. Let me offer a personal story: As a young 5 - 6 year old boy, I remember my mother giving me the spoon she used for measuring vanilla extract into her recipes. It was quite an innocent offer but there was something about that liquid, even in the lack of a sufficient amount, that I simply craved. I found myself climbing up on a chair to get to the cabinet when she was not looking in order to take a swig of that magic liquid. It felt good going down. That was the alcohol contained in the extract already affecting me in a physical sense, hence, the "allergy of the body." This would be repeated with my insatiable liking for cough syrups such as Vicks Formula 44 at a very early age. I liked the way it felt going down.

    Now was I conscious of the alcohol content of these two liquids? No. Did anyone instruct me about the content? No. Did I have a propensity toward the effects? Yes.

    I believe that the immaturity of the young body and its sensitivity to foreign materials such as alcohol may lead to alcoholism. A person whose own physical maturity has not occurred or has been delayed will not be of any help in warding off the effects of such a drug as alcohol and that person runs the risk of a lifelong alcoholic "allergy."   Is it caused by exposure to alcohol prior to maturity? I can not say for I am not a scientist in this field. I can only offer my experience. My physical maturity was delayed until well after I began drinking hard liquors at the age of 18. I will always wonder what would have happened had I not began drinking until later in life.

     The second "hidden" element a young person faces comes from the society in which they live. The persons who feel that drinking is OK for themselves have not the slightest interest in the welfare of the young persons around them. I believe this may be due to a subconscious narcissism in the drinker in which they are not going to be shamed or guilted into looking at their own use of alcohol as a "mental" help in dealing with their own lives. My own history is riddled with such people as I arrived at the legal drinking age. This is "hidden" because very few young people are going to have the personal maturity or the training to guard themselves against such intrusions. Who will stand guard over the welfare of our children? Too few.

     This is not to discount the narcissism of the alcoholic beverage industry who have one interest in the young people coming of age - get them to be consumers and get them quick. You need only look at the media and ad campaigns since the invention of the printing press to find evidence of this desire to promote their products. In seminary, I remember doing a paper on the ethical issues surrounding the advertisements of alcohol to our youth. I hope you will pursue some angles on your research in this direction.

     As a pastor and as a recovering alcoholic who ingests no alcohol in any form, I have been literally amazed at pastors of churches who refuse to offer non-alcoholic wine or grape juice for communion. Some of these pastors I know to be abusing alcohol themselves. Their refusal to offer non-alcoholic beverages is a subconscious attempt to allay their own fears and guilt that they are probably having a problem with alcohol themselves. This very concern over the inadvertent exposure of parishioners to alcohol is why the Methodists in the 1700's began to use grape juice for communions. Welch's grape juice was formulated for this very reason.

    I know this is a lengthy answer to your question but I hope it has given you some perspective on the issue from the mind of a recovering alcoholic. As I said, I commend you on your subject choice and I hope for your success in your endeavors.

    Write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,

Clyde

My roomates alcoholic boyfriend

2010-03-10T21:52:00.000-08:00

Question
Good After noon Druideck,

My question is actually for my roommate Her name is Amy. Amy is 21 years old she has lived with me since 2007. She is my best friend, a wonderful person. I recently changed duty stations (im in the military) and she found a boyfriend here. What a catch NOT! He is a 32 year old man who has been in and out of rehab for drungs and has quit using meth and started using alcohol. He drinks to the point that he cant take his own shoes off he urinates the bed and will fall over. Its disgusting to me because I have never had to deal with anything like this. She will help him up, take his shoes off and clean up his urine. Its gotten to the point that they had to through out a mattress and they are now sleeping on a blow up mattress. My husband and I sit back and try not to through up. It doesnt seem to bother her shes not embarrassed or she doesnt seem like she is. She says she loves him and he loves her but I just cant believe that thats true. He treats her like an animal exposing her breast while people r around smaking her butt infront of people. I was raised in a christain home and like I said have never had to deal with this. I want to sit down and talk to her and tell her how we feel about him. She has changed from a sweet girl to someone who dedicates her life to someone who I know in my heart wouldnt do the same for her. Shes gained weight and seems down alot. He is dragging her down and she doesnt see it. Are there reasons women want relationships like this? Please give me some kind of conversation starter so i can sit down and tell her all of this and an explanation of why she is in this relationship and why it isnt health. I am on the egde and about to tell her she needs to move out on her own. Thank you

Answer
Hi Sara,

Yes there are reasons for Amy's behaviour.

One reason is that people are sometime

attracted to situations that resemble

their family of origin.

An example would be if Amy's father

was an alcoholic and her mother

the codependent that enabled or

took care of him.

Amy would learn that her "job" is to

be ever loving and take care of

her boyfriend so he can one day change

and be the man she wants him to be.

These behaviours are deep rooted

and usually involve two emotionally dependant

persons. Each is dependent on the other

for their survival (they think).

Many women will hang on to guys like

this even through much mistreatment

and abuse. They only feel whole when

trying to help a troubled man.

This is very hard to address from

the outside due to the denial and

forces at work here.

It is much like having an addiction

to a person.

Get her a copy of Robin Norwood's

books on "Woman who love too much"

This will be a start getting

her awareness raised to where she

can see why she accepts such a poor relationship.

These books are online, amazon, ebay etc.

Very highly recommended for women with these

attractions to troubled men.

Don't expect things to change soon,

this will be a struggle for her,

she may keep going back no matter

what you do.

You can only plant the seed of knowledge

and hope it grows in her soul.

Take care!

Question.

2010-03-10T21:34:00.000-08:00

Question
I have been married to my husband for a little over two years. We have had a wonderful and fulfilling relationship that we began immediately out of college. Our college years were filled with nights at the bar, parties, and we were both in industries where our jobs kept us from living life during the daytime (i.e. we went to the bars after work, A LOT). He loves to brew his own beer, tour breweries, is facinated with liquor. It's a passion of his.

I mentioned to him, once, how his frequency of drinking makes me nervous. When he can't sleep (almost every night), he takes a drink. I asked him to stop drinking liquor like that. I mean, I drink a beer or two every night, and I'm not concerned about me. Only now, since I've talked to him about it, I don't see it. But he still does it.

Over Thanksgiving I found an almost empty bottle of Early Times whiskey, tucked in the couch of the basement ("his" room). I asked him about it, and he denied that it was his, that someone must have left it here. I went along with it.

Today, looking for a pair of ear-phones in his bag, I found a FULL bottle of the Early Times whiskey (which is gross, by the way).

His dad drinks too much, and I don't want us to have to go through that. He doesn't ever get drunk. Rarely, in fact. Once every two or three months, and only when we are partying (same with me).

I just don't know how to feel right now. We are 26/27, still young, and we still have parties revolving around alcohol. I am just very upset that he feels the need to hide it from me. That aside, is this normal? I am just so concerned, angry, and frustrated with this situation.

Answer
Hi Emily,

You are faced with a situation that many loved ones of alcoholics face. He seems to be in denial about his alcoholism, and so long that last there is little you can do. Alcoholism is a destroyer of relationships. It also seems that he may have inherited a rogue gene for alcoholism, as his father was an alcoholic also. However genes can be treated. His need to ingest alcohol is greater than his need for your love. The only way I can help you is by getting you to understand why some people become addicted and others do not. This has to do with a biological flaw that underlies one's personality. However with modern science this can be be beaten, but you need to be motivated to overcome alcoholism. Please read the following articles:

Why Alcoholics Drink? at

http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/articles/WAD.html

Alcoholism (Addiction) is a Treatable Disease at:

http://curezone.com/upload/PDF/Articles/jurplesman/alcoholism_treatable.pdf

Drug Addiction is a Nutritional Disorder at:

http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/articles/drug_addictions_nutritional_disorder.htm...

The first step in treatment is going on a hypoglycemic diet. If problems persist, it is best to consult a Nutritional Doctor, Clinical Nutritionist or a Nutritional Psychologist.

Also read my book Getting off the Hook which is freely available on the internet.

_______________________________________________

Jurriaan Plesman, Nutritional Psychologist

Hon. Editor of

The Hypoglycemic Health Association of Australia.

www.hypoglycemia.asn.au

Author of "Getting off the Hook"

Freely available at Google Book Search

Skype: jurplesman

Alcoholic boyfriend

2010-03-10T21:16:00.000-08:00

Question
I need help, i want to know how i dare the rain of finishin with my boyfriend, been with him on and off for nearly 9 years we hav a 7year old daughter together, his family treat me so good like one of their own that i think this is the hardest part to leave him, as my own family are all alcoholics i disowned them, i just want to be happy an be cable to get over him in the easiest way possible,.

Answer
Teri,

  Thank you for your question. The only thing I can say is that loss is never easy - divorce or disowning family is almost worse than death - as death brings a certain extra amount of closure to the relationship. In other words the people who we have left are still living and breathing and it causes us some added grieve as we leave.

   You do not say but I would suppose that disowning your family was not easy when you really look at the heartbreak of losing the chance to be with them for a lifetime. But we have to remember that people choose their lifestyles to a large degree - alcoholics choose to drink and hurt those they love in the process.

   You can only pray for guidance from God to know when and how this loss will play out. You will sense the right thing to do for you and your daughter and then proceed down that road. You can not force the boyfriend to do anything about his drinking. As changes take place by your decisions for yourself you may push his hand at making some of his own.

   But, there is no way to lessen the pain of breaking up - it comes with the territory.

   I hope this may have helped.

Grace and Peace,

Clyde

lingering emotional tendencies after longterm sobriety

2010-03-10T20:58:00.000-08:00

Question
My wife and I have been married a little over a year. She professes over 20 years as "clean and sober". She is very outspoken about her drinking years, as well as the 10 years or so she spent mentoring other women through AA. While she appears to have overcome the debilitating dependence which nearly ruined her life years ago,I have observed she is still in denial about her ongoing attraction to alcohol. Once every month or two, she still really enjoys allowing herself an occasional drink, but usually wants a second or third. When I try to discuss my concerns, she invariably denies or understates how many drinks she had. There have been a couple of occasions where she went to visit a girlfriend because she just needs to talk with a woman. When she comes home, it is obvious she has had more to drink than she will acknowledge. But even more than my concern for her desire for alcohol is my concern over behavior long term patterns that may linger long after the dependency on alcohol has come under control. I read where other husbands of alcoholics talk about wives inability to discuss any areas they need to work on, "always turns the conversation around and blames everyone else for her problems", etc. As any recently married couple, we need to work on our marriage and both be willing to hear one another. Whether discussions start out as her wanting me to listen to what she has to say or me wanting her to hear me, it invariably ends with her emotional outbursts where she accuses me rather than acknowledging there is any area she needs to work on. Can you address what might be typical long term residual personality traits after the actual addiction to alcohol is no longer the primary issue, and what I can do to be helpful, loving, and supportive without enabling?

Answer
Hi John,

Thanks for being so detailed and thorough in your question.

As you mention, your wife has been through AA and therefore understands the principles of that support program. She must know that AA does not utilize or recognize a harm reduction approach, acknowledging universally that those who are formerly alcohol dependent cannot be casual users. It's exceedingly unlikely she would distort the meaning of that program in sponsoring other recovering women. In other words, if they were to do as you say she is, she would quickly censor their actions and exhort them to refrain from casual drinking.

AA is full of stories of people who "once again" attempted controlled drinking, only to fail at it and fall back to heavy use, with catastrophic consequences.

For some reason, your wife's relationship with alcohol is powerful enough still - that is, alcohol remains an asset to her despite her "recovery" - to overcome any self-evaluation of the risk involved.

Your wife may be on a path to a major relapse. I wonder what has led her to believe she can be a controlled drinker. If this had ultimately evolved as a possibility for the thousands of clients with whom I've worked, I would not be able to argue against occasional use as an option for those who still wished to maintain a relationship with alcohol. It's not me, or you, or a treatment counselor simply wanting to convince people this is just the way it is for the heck of it. It is what experience teaches us based on the hundreds of thousands of people who came before your wife and tested the controlled drinking experiment. Failure is the status quo for the controlled drinker in recovery from chronic alcoholism.

Twenty years of clean and sober should generally bring about a full recovery, which I define as a total re-engagement in life with all it has to offer: all its frustrations, joys, losses, stresses, disappointments, and small victories. If your wife has some mental health concerns at this point (certainly any that would generate self-medication tendencies with alcohol) these should be acknowledged and addressed. She seems to be defending her use of alcohol strongly with a "non-problematic casual use" rationale. I wonder why she wants to engage is this degree of risk.

Marital counseling may be a way to shed light on this issue. Bring your knowledge about controlled drinking into the discussion. Attend meetings with your wife so you can both hear about the "controlled drinking" experiments that led to disaster.

Look, in all fairness, your wife may be the rare recovering person who can be a controlled drinker. I can't say positively there are not exceptions. My approach is simply to manage risk, because one must absolutely succeed in this experiment, if one is going to try it. There's no room for failure, and even highly controlled experiments of all kinds, presided over by experts and scientist of the highest caliber, can never have absolutely predictable outcomes. It's just not worth the risk.

Hope this helps,

Peter

my partner was persuaded to drink again yesterday

2010-03-10T20:40:00.000-08:00

Question
Yesterday, while I was talking to my partner on skype (we live separately at the moment), he showed me a beer that he had been persuaded to drink by his visiting brother in law. He used to drink in the past, before we met, while suffering depression and at one point he was bashed on the head while drinking in a bar which led to hospitalization in a comatose state for some weeks. Upon recovery, he made the decision to go tee total all on his own. This was so for a few years until yesterday. When I made the attempt to rebuke him about it he threatened to stop talking to me so I pretended to be OK with it which was a big mistake, i realize now. What can i do to help him, I don't want to lose him!

Answer
Since I am not fully aware of the whole situation, for instance is your partner an alcoholic or was that a one time thing, my suggestion to you is to take care of yourself first. You might want to consider finding your local Alanon and attend a meeting there. Many people who go to Al-Anon are people who feel hopeless, who don't know how to handle a situation just like yours. The drinker uses emotional blackmail to get his or her way, at Alanon you will meet people just like you who will share their experience, strength and hope. They will offer you tools on how to handle these situations as well. You will also learn a better way of life they will show you how to find happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.

Also you have to know something about alcoholics and alcoholism. An alcoholic cannot be persuaded to drink if they don't really want to. Perhaps your partner thinks he doesn't have a problem therefore drinking is not an issue to him. This is why I stress to you to go to attend an Alanon meeting as soon as possible. Here is a link to their website if you need further information, I hope this helps you. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html

I am giving him alcohol

2010-03-10T20:22:00.000-08:00

Question
My husband has been an alcoholic for 37 minus 4 years sober. The last 7 years has been unreal. He went from only vodka to listerine. In the last 3 years he has lost 2 jobs due to alcohol, 1st trip to rehab and a trip to the er after falling in the garage after he took 3 heart medication.The last 3 in 2 months. I am at my end. This weekend I asked him if he wanted to stop or continue. He chose to continue to drink. So we made a deal. He does not drink during the day, (unemployed), I get to come home from work and not play the endless denial game with yells and tears( always from me) and after he eats he gets a bottle. I have not cried in 3 days or played the game. Some of the thrill of hiding is taken out of it. There is no more middle ground here after my trip with him to the er. I am tired of being humiliated. I figure he will either stop or die. Am I wrong in going this avenue? I know al anon would not agree. He has been to AA for 37 years in the last 7 2 therapist, many medications the last prozac, bible study, church, rehab, the way I look at it I am the one they are going to put away soon.

Answer

Beverley Glazer MA. IC

Hi MK,

Your husband has chosen to drink regardless of what it's doing to his body and the people around him, and there is nothing you can do about it. No one can make an alcoholic stop drinking, but you have a choice to live with him or not.

His addiction has been driving you to distraction and you see that the only way you can have some peace of mind is to give him the alcohol he demands. As you know you are enabling him. Here is more information on enabling: http://untwist your thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html

so you're encouraging his behavior

You're aware that if he doesn't get help he will die. However, when you are contributing to his addiction by giving him alcohol, you will feel responsible.

You must put more energy on yourself-- not him. It would be helpful for you to see a counselor, or a minister to discuss your situation.

You should not be judged for giving him the alcohol, because you're just trying to survive in this difficult environment.

If there are codependency groups in your area join. Ideally, you should get out of this relationship. Reach out and get the help you need.

Thank you for asking AllExperts,

I hope this information is helpful,

All the best at this very difficult time,

Bev

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com

alcoholic wife in recovery, facing divorce

2010-03-10T20:04:00.000-08:00

Question
I have been married to my alcoholic wife for 15 years. She is in recovery working the 12 steps of AA with just over 3 months sobriety. She is a binge drinker who had periods of sobriety ranging from a a week to up to 2 years. Her drinking has resulted in multiple DUI's, accidents, and infidelities. Even with the hurt her behaviors have caused me, I love this woman dearly. She has been going to meetings daily for the last 3 months and I have been attending al-anon twice a week. We are both working the programs and beginning to heal ourselves. I have been praying a long time for her to get and stay sober. She has made half-hearted attempts in the past, but seems so determined and focused this time, that I truly believe she can do it. The problem is that she has moved into a separate bedroom to completely focus on her recovery. She says that although she cares about me and loves me she is not 'in love' anymore. Divorce is being discussed, but she is unsure and has been told not to make any major decisions in the first year of sobriety. I know she is dealing with a lot of guilt, remorse, and resentments. I am trying to be patient and give her the time and space she is asking for, but don't know how long I can live this way when she seems so pessimistic about our marriage. Is this typical for a recovering alcoholic? Is a change of heart possible? I want to do anything to save our marriage, but don't want to be naive either. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Answer
Jon,

I know that the changes recovery often

brings can be upsetting as well as

life changing.

The problems that recovery brings

are confusing. Emotions are in turmoil,

thoughts are mixed and recovering

alcoholics have to deal with the

clarity of being sober.

The guilt can be overwhelming

as well as the fear of drinking

again.

Newly recovering persons are experiencing

life without the buffer of alcohol.

They often have a very underdeveloped

emotional condition. They feel things

much more acutely in this state.

This can make them want to withdraw from

relationships and avoid the stress and

pain they feel when trying to interact

in a close relationship where the

other person is often making demands

of them. At meetings they get

more support and less expectations

placed on them.

An relationship is hard even for

emotionally healthy persons

that can handle added stress.

A person early in recovery does not

have the strength to give much to

anyone no matter how much they may

owe it due to previous failings

due to drinking.

If you feel she should be giving more

time to you or whatever she will

only draw futher away as she will

sense your need. She will pull away

to protect herself from trying to give

what she does not have right now.

It is unfortunate that recovering

people often lack the ability

to provide what their mates may want

from them.

Recovery brings about alot of changes

in people and sometimes the things

that brought you together at first

may fade. This doesn't mean you are

totally incompatible and in fact

having both of you in twelve step

programs is a great place to start

anew.

I do believe her recovery should be number

one right now. That means doing

whatever will contribute to staying

sober. There is no chance of relationships,

marriage or sometimes even life without sobriety.

There is no telling how she will feel

over time. Perhaps she just needs to

re-evaluate her life and marriage.

Sometimes being apart can be a good thing

as it gives you both time to become

whole without the other.

I hope she is careful in making any

major changes as this can add stress

which she is likely not able to

handle very well as yet.

You may be able to help by trying to

talk about what is positive in your

life together. Maybe you are both

looking too much at the past

and future and wasting the present

moments. There is so much to think

negatively about anyway.

Make a list of all your negative thoughts

through the day and maybe she could join you in doing this

with her negative thoughts.

Sit down and think about what is really

negative on the lists and what is imagined.

Maybe your worries are about the future

and not today. Live each day as a blessing.

Luck to you both!

I believe the committment to recovery

is very important for both you and

your wife.

To have any meaningful future relationship

together or alone requires a life long

committment to self awareness and

self improvement.

partners drinking

2010-03-10T19:46:00.000-08:00

Question
I have been with my partner for 8 years he was a alcoholic for 6 of those years .there was violence and always verbal abuse , I found out he was cheating and we broke up for a while , in this split he crashed his car lost his job ,after this he wonted to came back . I said we would try and sort things out,its been 18 months now and he has got drunk twice in the last couple of months and wants to drink more over Xmas ,I am so scared and worried what should i do ,he can switch my words around make me say things i don't mean ,I think earlier i somehow agreed to him drinking please help

Answer
Karen,

    Thank you for your questions. We alcoholics are sly as the devil and we can get just about anything we want from someone else. You have experienced that from the fellow. I suspect that is the reason you feel "duped" into saying things you didn't mean and then even being unable to recall exactly what you said.

    This fellow is clearly not ready to quit the hooch. He is not at a place in which sufficient consequences have resulted from his drinking. Until then he is not going to be able to quit. Alcoholics must hit what we call a "bottom" and that is where we know we are beat and we have to give up. Will it be enough that he lose you for a second time? who knows?

    My suggestion is this: If you feel that you have said that you will allow the drinking over Christmas, then consider rescinding that permission by telling him you have rethought and have reached a different conclusion. If you have not said you will allow drinking then make doubly sure that you reiterate the ban on alcohol over the holidays. He needs to know the rules of the game.

    If he does drink over the holidays then it is time for you to take a good long look at yourself and ask yourself why you are allowing the behavior of drinking in the relationship. This is where it is important for you, the non-alcoholic, to decide what you will and will not accept. We backtrack on our positions because we are not firm enough in them and we are afraid we will lose something we don't think we can live without (a relationship, financial support, etc.). The alcoholic has made us sick in being close to them and we need to step back and work on ourselves. That is where Alanon comes in. If you have not attended some meetings of Alanon I suggest that you make a phone call and go to a couple and meet women who are and have dealt with this problem. They will be good support for you as you make some decisions on what you want out of life where alcohol is not allowed.

   I hope this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,

Clyde

Alcoholic husband

2010-03-10T19:28:00.000-08:00

Question
My husband has admitted to me that he is a alcoholic but refuses to seek formal treatment. He tells me that he is not weak and he does not need to pay anyone to help him to stop drinking. He also takes various medication and I believe that he is over medicate and mixing with his alcohol. He refuses to admit that the medication is also contributing to his addiction. He said that all he needs is his family to help him through this. I have been going to Al-Anon meetings and seeing a therapist and have been detaching from him and not enabling him.He is very angry with me and he is accusing me of not being there for him and not loving him. He went so far as to say that I was the one that got him put on the medicine because I suggested that he she a doctor for his anxiety and depression and now I am condeming him for taking that medicine and suggesting to him that he is abusing it. I did but into his blaming and game playing. I let him know I love him and that I will be there to support him in his treatment. He told me that if I made getting formal treatment (AA/OP Rehab etc..) mandatory for our marriage to work then that was not going to happen. I told him that I feel that he needs that formal treatment program and that he needed that support system of other recovering alcoholics to stay on course and get healthy and that was what I was asking of him and nothing less. I have no idea that I said the right thing or if I am doing the right thing. I asked God to give me the words and the courage to go through with what He would have me to do. I know that I am not alone but it is hard to see the man you love turn into someone that you do not recognize anymore. I dont know that it will take to get him to realize that his recovery does not count on me, it counts on him and God. I cannot do this for him and neither can his children. What can I do now?

Answer
Pam,

   Thank you for your questions and for explaining some of the issues with your husband's behaviors.

   You evidently are a God-fearing woman who knows the power of prayer and the assistance we get from God when we are facing a dilemma such as this one. My words of direction to you would have been exactly: "asked God to give me the words and the courage to go through with what He would have me to do." Couldn't have said it better.

    Yes, it is difficult to watch a loved one self-destruct but we have to remember that they are in the grips of a disease which tells them they do not have a disease. The grip is so strong and their dependence on the substance clouds their thinking. BUT we must also remember that it protects them from what they cannot or will not see in themselves - fears, guilt, remorse, shame, etc. I believe it centers mostly in fear and these tend to be so deeply rooted that some people may never be able to face them.

    That being said, you are on the right track. Alanon is the place to be since you have been affected by an alcoholic and their destruction. It is a family disease as you have learned in Alanon. You also know the three C's - you cannot control it, you did not cause it, and you can not cure it. Simple truths but hard to accept sometimes.

    If you are at the point of separation or divorce, then I suggest that you be in prayer as you undoubtedly have already been doing and ask for the same strength and courage and words to do so. God will direct so follow what you feel He is prompting you to do.

    Bottom line, I think you have done all you can do and I would suggest that you allow yourself to think more about yourself, your life and the lives of your family right now.

    You will be in my prayers and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,

Clyde

some advice please

2010-03-10T19:09:00.000-08:00

Question
Hi, I recently separated from my alcoholic husband and I am having a really hard time dealing with it. It seems as if he doesn't even care about the separation in the least, from me and also from our daughter. His drinking has gotten a lot worse over the years and I think we both reached a point where we both knew it wasn't going to work anymore. I have not seen any pain or sadness coming from him at all! He treats me as if I was the one causing the problems in our marriage and he is glad to finally get away from me. I told him that he will not be able to have any contact with our daughter while he continues to drink and he never even put up a fight! He was sober for about 8 months a little while ago but he relapsed and now he is worse than ever. If I try and talk to him now either over the phone or face to face, he refuses to. I just so heartbroken over all of this. I can't understand why he treats me like he hates, why he doesn't show any remorse and why doesn't he try to get well for the sake of losing his daughter! Can you please help me to make sense out of all of this?

Answer
Unfortunately he sounds like a typical practicing alcoholic. When we are in the midst of our addiction nothing matter but the drug of our choice in his case alcohol. I heard it said best by my sponsor when her kids were taken from her and placed with her husband. She said it's not that it didn't hurt or that i didn't care it's just at that point and time in my life the drink mattered more than my family. Today she and her kids are like best friends. You may never fully understand how a drink or a drug can mean more than a family; unless you're an alcoholic. When I was in his state I had to drink to live. Also, when we stop drinking for awhile and pick back up it is as though we have never stopped drinking. We drink as much if not more than when we stopped. He may be drinking more to block the pain of loosing his family. But, you did what you had to do and that was get you and your daughter out of an unrealistic situation and start to live life peacefully and without alcohol in your everyday life causing pain and hate. You should attend some Ala-Anon meetings and your daughter Ala-teen. These are meeting for family members or friends of those with a drinking problem. You can get some support there. Hope this helps. If not feel free to write back to me. I'll be thinking about you guys over the holidays.

Heartbroken

2010-03-10T18:51:00.000-08:00

Question

"Hi, I recently separated from my alcoholic husband and I am having a really hard time dealing with it. It seems as if he doesn't even care about the separation in the least, from me and also from our daughter. His drinking has gotten a lot worse over the years and I think we both reached a point where we both knew it wasn't going to work anymore. I have not seen any pain or sadness coming from him at all! He treats me as if I was the one causing the problems in our marriage and he is glad to finally get away from me. I told him that he will not be able to have any contact with our daughter while he continues to drink and he never even put up a fight! He was sober for about 8 months a little while ago but he relapsed and now he is worse than ever. If I try and talk to him now either over the phone or face to face, he refuses to. I just so heartbroken over all of this. I can't understand why he treats me like he hates, why he doesn't show any remorse and why doesn't he try to get well for the sake of losing his daughter! Can you please help me to make sense out of all of this? "

Answer
Karen,

  Thank you for your message and for the questions. I can feel and hear your pain in all this that is happening to you and your family. Know that I have been there and done that and it is not pleasant and it is all so very confusing. We, as the sober people looking into the destruction of the alcoholic, simply cannot understand why the alcoholic doesn't just snap out of it and start to live a normal rational life. It is just sad and hurtful.

   So, I know your pain. Let me offer some things about the active alcoholic that may help put this in perspective for you. Once the alcoholic truly begins to drink alcoholically they no longer have the capacity to stop on their own. I believe it is next to impossible save a miracle from God. Alcoholic thinking has been going on for a long time in the active alcoholic and they have been duped into thinking that drinking is a solution to all their problems. he probably drinks for just about any occasion and at the drop of a hat. There doesn't need to be a reason - he just drinks. Alcohol has taken over his life and he believes it to truly be his only friend. That is why he can appear to have zero interest in you or his daughter. He loves alcohol more than anything in the world. He would be lost without it to comfort him in all that he finds it doing for him. I can only imagine what he has in his soul and in his past that has caused him to drink. You cannot know all that may be there. Unless he hits a "bottom" and surrenders to alcoholism and gets help he will never be able to know for himself.

   Alcohol truly takes over the life of the individual and you no longer recognize him for who he used to be. Rest assured that the old person you loved way back when is there but just covered up under a false personality. And the shame of it all is he does not know any of this is happening - not really.

    Keep sharing your pain and anguish over all this with trusted individuals who will just listen to you. They can not fix this situation but they can let you simply share the pain. I would suggest that you give Alanon a try. There you would find women who have been where you are right now and who have come out from under the cloud and confusion into life once again. I hope you will seriously give this some thought.

    I hope that this may have helped give you some perspective from the alcoholic's side and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,

Clyde

drinking

2010-03-10T18:33:00.000-08:00

Question
Hello!

My Name is Sarah and I have a few questions.

I'm probably the biggest worrier in the world to begin with but I always think of ways that I could mess up. Recently, I have this fear of becoming an alchoholic. It does not stem from me actually thinking I drink too much(In a college setting, I probably drink a lot less then most people) I just have this fear of loosing control. I think the only reason why I'm feeling this way is because I'm turning 21 in 4 days. I have simple rules in place for myself which I will never break.

* I Never drink because I'm upset.

* If I start to gain weight, I know exactly what to cut out of my diet

* I drink probably 2-3 times a month Ranging from 3-5 drinks each time. I know 5 is technically binge drinking-

* The moment I start to feel drunk, or sick- I switch to water. I can't remember the last time I've vomited probably my freshman year of college and now I'm a junior

* I always remember what happens. I hate when people tell me "I can't remember what happened last night" I never get to the point where I black out.

I like to drink to- Go out and have fun with my girls and dress up and DANCE. I like to drink yes, But If i have a test or somthing important to do I can just stay in.

NOW, I know this is probably a stupid email, But since I do have OCD I'm always afraid of these types of things. All I need to know is that are my behaviors typical for a college student?

-Thannnnk you have a happy holiday

sarah

Answer
Sarah, it seems unfair of me to answer that only you can tell if you are an alcoholic or not, however that is for the most part the truth. I have reread your letter a few times and think that I might be able help you figure it out for yourself.

First off, there are different types of alcoholics; there was a recent study done by National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) and your actions and concerns remind me of the "young adult subtype" see below for their description

The young adult subtype accounts for about 32 percent of U.S. alcoholics. They're young adults who rarely seek help for alcohol dependence. About 24 years old, they became alcoholics by age 20, on average. They drink less frequently than other alcoholics, but they tend to binge drink when they drink. This is the largest subtype.

At first glance you seem to have everything under control, though control and ocd are known to be alcoholic personality traits, this does not mean you are an alcoholic. I think that yes you are a college girl who wants to have fun and drinking sometimes makes things more fun but do you drink responsibly. Do you drink and drive? Even though you remember what you've done the night before have you any regrets from your actions? Do you have to drink every time you go out? When you're not drinking do you feel different from others? Is drinking the only way you feel comfortable in your own skin?

These are important questions to help you ask yourself if you have a problem or not and may I suggest that you try to stop drinking for at least 30 days? How about trying that to test yourself? See how the thought of no alcohol for 30 days makes you feel and then attempt to live a month without it. Is it effortless? No big deal, I can live without it? Or do you feel a bit stressed over it.

I also suggest you don't wait till after your birthday to start this no drinking for 30 days, if you must drink on your birthday ask yourself why? If you have everything under control there shouldn't be a problem.

I am including a link to an AA questionnaire. I am not pushing AA on you, though if you do find yourself believing you might be an alcoholic I definitely suggest you go to AA meetings, however the reason I'm posting the link is for you to answer the questions, they will give you food for thought.

http://www.aa.org/lang/en/subpage.cfm?page=71

I hope I have helped you answer your question and if you have any more please feel free to post more questions and I will do my best to answer them in a timely manner.

Happy Holidays and I wish you the best!

Robyn

drinking

2010-03-10T18:15:00.000-08:00

Question
Hello!

My Name is Sarah and I have a few questions.

I'm probably the biggest worrier in the world to begin with but I always think of ways that I could mess up. Recently, I have this fear of becoming an alchoholic. It does not stem from me actually thinking I drink too much(In a college setting, I probably drink a lot less then most people) I just have this fear of loosing control. I think the only reason why I'm feeling this way is because I'm turning 21 in 4 days. I have simple rules in place for myself which I will never break.

* I Never drink because I'm upset.

* If I start to gain weight, I know exactly what to cut out of my diet

* I drink probably 2-3 times a month Ranging from 3-5 drinks each time. I know 5 is technically binge drinking- ( I feel like its a lot less, I know people who drink at school wednesday-saturday)

* The moment I start to feel a little too tipsy - I switch to water. I can't remember the last time I've vomited probably my freshman year of college and now I'm a junior

* I always remember what happens. I hate when people tell me "I can't remember what happened last night" I never get to the point where I black out or even not remember somthing

I like to drink to- Go out and have fun with my girls and dress up and DANCE. I like to drink yes, But If i have a test or somthing important to do I can just stay in on the weekend.

NOW, I know this is probably a stupid email, But since I do have OCD I'm always afraid of these types of things. All I need to know is that are my behaviors typical for a college student? I probably have a lower chance of being an alchoholic because I think my OCD would stop me before I could be.

-Thannnnk you have a happy holiday

sarah

Answer
Hi Sarah,

It's good to see you are taking a very deliberate approach to drinking and the potential risks of excessive consumption. You seem able to distinguish a casual, social, or light drinking pattern from a problematic one. There are very significant differences in the two.

A person drinks alcohol because he or she likes the taste, effect, or the way it can be a nice ritual in sharing a social occasion with others. As an addiction counselor, I work with people who have developed an abnormal and risky pattern of substance abuse, with alcohol or other drugs. They all vary in the extent to which their use of substances has impacted their lives.

Out of ten individuals, it is said, about 1 or 2 will develop substance abuse or dependence. Many people believe there are a number of factors that will generally predict susceptibility to addiction. Some of these are teen risk factors like peer pressure, truancy, early sexual experiences, mental health issues, delinquency, and dysfunctional family relationships. Others talk about genetics, citing evidence there is a gene that passes along in alcoholic families, changing how someone metabolizes alcohol in a way that delivers more "reward."

I think there are probably a combination of elements that predict addictive behavior. You say you like to go out with friends, dance, and drink. Nothing necessarily wrong with that. It all depends on how much you consume and how often you do it. Whereas some will have only a drink or two and never exceed that no matter the event, others will seek more of that "feeling" of being intoxicated any time they can get it. You will have to monitor your use and see where you fit in. Keep in mind that even occasional alcohol abuse can have consequences. We're not talking here about actual addiction or dependence to a substance, but rather just drinking too much and then driving (DWI), losing control of one's decision-making, increased risk for falls, injuries, violence, sexual assault.

If you ever feel you are not able to specifically limit the amount of alcohol you drink, or find yourself craving the next drinking event, your relationship with alcohol may be becoming stronger and leading you to problems. It will then be incumbent upon you to act, and either stop drinking altogether, or seek counseling to shed light on why you are willing to put yourself at risk for the alcohol "feeling."

Thanks for your question, and I hope this helps.

Happy (safe) Holidays!

how to get rid of an alcolic husband

2010-03-10T17:57:00.000-08:00

Question
My dear I am living with a man from 14 years with this hope that one day he will realize his responsibility towards his family but now it is end of my pasense I can not tolerated any more because all this effect my health now I feel I become totally different in last few years can not make my self more fool now please advice what to do.

Answer
Start attending Ala-Non and take care of yourself. I'm a recovering alcoholic and we put our loved ones through hell. Ala-non is a support program for loved ones of alcoholics. It will teach you many things and can offer you the help you need.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Wife's Alcoholism

2010-03-10T17:39:00.000-08:00

Question
Leigh - I last asked a question on 11/22/09 which was answered by Beverly Glaser. Her response was very helpful. Since you are in recovery, I wanted to get your insight. My wife is an alcoholic, and her family has struggled with the disease. Her deceased father was a recovering alcoholic, but my wife "knows" that he continued to drink. Currently her mother and brother drink daily, but they are "functional". I've never known a time when my wife refused to have a drink except when she was pregnant (we have 4 little girls). Things came unglued after our 4th child was born(4/07). In 2/08 my wife was arrested with a .33BAC after an accident with all 4 girls in the car - it was a Saturday afternoon. She spent some time in jail, 90 days in patient (2nd time) and then lived in a half way house for 9 months. She came home in 2/09. First 4 months were great, now we are back to her drinking and driving. Unfortunately, it takes me a while to figure out what is going on. She'll never admit that she's been drinking unless I can produce the alcohol. I don't play that game, because it's not worth it. She is incredibly good at convincing me that she did not have anything to drink. It seems like nothing has changed, but what has kept our family on this roller coaster is after a period of drinking, once she is "caught", she becomes a great Mom again, and I think it looks like we are now on our way, until one day she's drinking again. After the last one week binge, where she met us at church under the influence, I've decided to proceed with our divorce (I still have sole custody of the children since 2/08 incident). She is not going to fight me on custody, and as long as she is sober, she will be a huge part of the children's lives. AS I told her, we've been to our "rock bottom", and if that wasn't it for her, I'm sorry. The interesting thing is that she never agreed that she had been drinking that week (I didn't look for the bottle), and she is almost euphoric with the divorce. I'm happy because it will make it easier to get this done quickly, but is she just in complete denial? She says that she is an alcoholic, but really doesn't go to AA - she's got it this time. Any thoughts on what keeps her drinking? My thought is that her family continues to drink and she still thinks she can have a drink and she drives to prove to herself that she can handle it. Sometimes she'll confide that she wants to be normal and have a drink once in a while, or admits that she just had one or two drinks (16 oz water bottles of vodka). We have no alcohol in the house and I have not had anything to drink since Aug '07 to support my wife's sobriety, and I can't stand the misery that alcohol has brought to our lives. Just wanted to get your thoughts as a women in recovery.

Thanks,

Dave

Answer
I'm surprised she is alive after a BAL of .33. Are you attending Al-anon? I think it would be great for you. I'm glad you have stopped enabling her. Why does one continue drinking? Because they are addicts. We drink for many reasons. The problem is not alcohol. It is a symptom of the problem which is us. One has to be sick and tired of being sick and tired before they will quit. We will exhaust all options until we see there is no other way but recovery. She is simply not ready. The disease has her in its grips. The alcohol is stronger than anything right now even the bond of mother and daughter. She has 4 options: jails, institutions, death or recovery. i hope she chooses the latter. Alcohol does for us what no one or nothing else can. It is our best friend. Perhaps she thinks she is destined to die like her day and is trying to fulfill that self-fulfilling prophecy. Have you though about an intervention with friends and your family? But again if she is not ready then it won't do any good. I had to learn a hard lesson. It took many relapses before i accepted the program. And, any one who says they "got AA". Doesn't have a clue. We never get the program. We work a life time on the program. As you probably know an alcoholic can never drink successfully with one or two drinks it will eventually lead to a bottle. Hope this has helped. If you have more questions please feel fee to write back. Know is the time to take care of you and the kids.

Alcoholic husband

2010-03-10T17:21:00.000-08:00

Question
Clyde,

My husband told me this week that he new that he had a "problem" with alcohol but he was going to do recovery his way. He will not enter a program and he will not go to AA. I told him that in order for me to stay married to him that he had to enter a formal treatment program. He said that if I made him do that he would hate me. He said that he was stepping down his drinking and he needed his family to help him get sober. When he is cutting down on his drinking can he be dellusional? Last night listening to him talk he sounds not grounded in reality, he talks anout God showing him the way through a vision of a door and he had us listen to CD that he is convinced that God has told him that these CD's are the way to his recovery. I am a christian and I defintely believe in God and that he does talk to us and counsel us. The way that my husband talks lately about God is not normal. He keeps telling me that I don't understand that he is on an enlightened path. My children and I are getting treatment and have realized that our situation is not healhty and he is mad about that and calling counselors paid friends and Al-Anon a cult that brainwashes. I pray and listen for God's guidance and believe that I need to take our children and leave. This situation has damaged us enough and I am on the only stable parent right now and I feel that our children our counting on me to make the right decision. Our children do not want us to seperate and I know that this will damage them to and I am angry at my husband because this is not a choice that I should have to make. Marriage should be about love, honor, proctecting and loving each other and I feel guilty like I am not supporting him when I leave. I don't want to support an addiction but I want to be there for him if he enters treatment but not until he does that. From your prepective as a man of God and a recovered alcoholic what do you think is happening and do you think I am going about this the right way?

Answer
Pam,

   Thank you for your questions and for the explanation. This is an interesting one - a man who has found God at the center of his recovery and is listening to someone else (the CD's) and knowing that God has shown him something about his life and his enlightened path! That is quite remarkable for an alcoholic.

   Here is my take on this - you two are caught and I believe caught in fear - you have found Alanon and counseling (two very good avenues for help and recovery) and he has found this person's CD's (also a very good way to recovery). You fear he is on the wrong path because of what you know in your recovery - he fears you because he knows what he has found to be changing his life. That is the crux of your situation.

   Here is my story: I always had a deep abiding faith in God or "something out there." But I could not find anyone who spoke my language and could understand me. That went on from an early age (maybe 10 or so) until age 37. A friend of mine who shared his spiritual life with me gave me a series of tapes (back then CD's weren't that common). These tapes were an absolute Godsend. I listened to those tapes hundreds of times on my way to and from work. So many times, in fact, that I had to make copies and wear those out as well. He gave these to me about a year before I got sober. But they piqued my soul and they got through to me that I was not on the path that God wanted me to be on. I had been praying for years for God to "not let me drink today." I would follow that request with "you are probably going to tell me I have to quit." This was my beginning of the grief process. I had to be willing to give up my best friend - alcohol. The tapes helped convict me.

   About a year later, I hit my bottom and called AA. I have been a part of that fellowship for over 15 years and have not waned in my understanding that God got me sober - I did not do it.

   My wife did not believe in any of the spiritual things that had ever happened in my life and we had been married for some 16 years. We were on very different paths spiritually. If the truth be known, she divorced me because I felt called to the ministry. Two years after she left me, I was given the vision and the clear message from God to go to seminary. My life has not been the same. So, yes, I do believe in visions and in God talking to me in perhaps ways most people would not find believable. Too many to recount in this short answer.

   I thoroughly support AA and recovery programs - do not get me wrong - but it is not the only way God works in people's recovery from addictions. Not knowing your husband, I could not say if he was delusional or not. I have a strong hope he is not. He will have to continue to walk down his own path with or without you and the family. The Bible says that the road is narrow and few will find it. Maybe he is on the road and you are not. But, then again, maybe you are on the road and he is not.

   A long answer to your question but I would suggest that you find some quiet time to do some soul searching and really ask God for the strength the courage and the words to have a serious but intimate talk with your husband about HIS walk down this exciting and enlightening path he has been shown. It would not be my suggestion to talk about your own path at that time. Show him this question and answer that we have shared today and let him know other people have found his path valid.

   And of course, he will be the one who will need to be telling you the truth about all this enlightenment and he will need to be the one who quits drinking for good!

   One last tidbit: One of the tapes the friend gave me would always played garbled and I could not make out the words. One day shortly before I was healed of the obsession to drink, that tape played and I heard the words. The truth is, I could not tell you what those words on that tape were. But then I don't have to know - for I am a sober man today sharing my experience, strength and hope with other people who are looking for healing.

   I hope this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,

Clyde

Alcoholic husband

2010-03-10T17:03:00.000-08:00

Question
QUESTION: Clyde,

My husband told me this week that he new that he had a "problem" with alcohol but he was going to do recovery his way. He will not enter a program and he will not go to AA. I told him that in order for me to stay married to him that he had to enter a formal treatment program. He said that if I made him do that he would hate me. He said that he was stepping down his drinking and he needed his family to help him get sober. When he is cutting down on his drinking can he be dellusional? Last night listening to him talk he sounds not grounded in reality, he talks anout God showing him the way through a vision of a door and he had us listen to CD that he is convinced that God has told him that these CD's are the way to his recovery. I am a christian and I defintely believe in God and that he does talk to us and counsel us. The way that my husband talks lately about God is not normal. He keeps telling me that I don't understand that he is on an enlightened path. My children and I are getting treatment and have realized that our situation is not healhty and he is mad about that and calling counselors paid friends and Al-Anon a cult that brainwashes. I pray and listen for God's guidance and believe that I need to take our children and leave. This situation has damaged us enough and I am on the only stable parent right now and I feel that our children our counting on me to make the right decision. Our children do not want us to seperate and I know that this will damage them to and I am angry at my husband because this is not a choice that I should have to make. Marriage should be about love, honor, proctecting and loving each other and I feel guilty like I am not supporting him when I leave. I don't want to support an addiction but I want to be there for him if he enters treatment but not until he does that. From your prepective as a man of God and a recovered alcoholic what do you think is happening and do you think I am going about this the right way?

ANSWER: Pam,

   Thank you for your questions and for the explanation. This is an interesting one - a man who has found God at the center of his recovery and is listening to someone else (the CD's) and knowing that God has shown him something about his life and his enlightened path! That is quite remarkable for an alcoholic.

   Here is my take on this - you two are caught and I believe caught in fear - you have found Alanon and counseling (two very good avenues for help and recovery) and he has found this person's CD's (also a very good way to recovery). You fear he is on the wrong path because of what you know in your recovery - he fears you because he knows what he has found to be changing his life. That is the crux of your situation.

   Here is my story: I always had a deep abiding faith in God or "something out there." But I could not find anyone who spoke my language and could understand me. That went on from an early age (maybe 10 or so) until age 37. A friend of mine who shared his spiritual life with me gave me a series of tapes (back then CD's weren't that common). These tapes were an absolute Godsend. I listened to those tapes hundreds of times on my way to and from work. So many times, in fact, that I had to make copies and wear those out as well. He gave these to me about a year before I got sober. But they piqued my soul and they got through to me that I was not on the path that God wanted me to be on. I had been praying for years for God to "not let me drink today." I would follow that request with "you are probably going to tell me I have to quit." This was my beginning of the grief process. I had to be willing to give up my best friend - alcohol. The tapes helped convict me.

   About a year later, I hit my bottom and called AA. I have been a part of that fellowship for over 15 years and have not waned in my understanding that God got me sober - I did not do it.

   My wife did not believe in any of the spiritual things that had ever happened in my life and we had been married for some 16 years. We were on very different paths spiritually. If the truth be known, she divorced me because I felt called to the ministry. Two years after she left me, I was given the vision and the clear message from God to go to seminary. My life has not been the same. So, yes, I do believe in visions and in God talking to me in perhaps ways most people would not find believable. Too many to recount in this short answer.

   I thoroughly support AA and recovery programs - do not get me wrong - but it is not the only way God works in people's recovery from addictions. Not knowing your husband, I could not say if he was delusional or not. I have a strong hope he is not. He will have to continue to walk down his own path with or without you and the family. The Bible says that the road is narrow and few will find it. Maybe he is on the road and you are not. But, then again, maybe you are on the road and he is not.

   A long answer to your question but I would suggest that you find some quiet time to do some soul searching and really ask God for the strength the courage and the words to have a serious but intimate talk with your husband about HIS walk down this exciting and enlightening path he has been shown. It would not be my suggestion to talk about your own path at that time. Show him this question and answer that we have shared today and let him know other people have found his path valid.

   And of course, he will be the one who will need to be telling you the truth about all this enlightenment and he will need to be the one who quits drinking for good!

   One last tidbit: One of the tapes the friend gave me would always played garbled and I could not make out the words. One day shortly before I was healed of the obsession to drink, that tape played and I heard the words. The truth is, I could not tell you what those words on that tape were. But then I don't have to know - for I am a sober man today sharing my experience, strength and hope with other people who are looking for healing.

   I hope this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,

Clyde

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Clyde,

I guess that my anger and fear right now is playing apart in my view of him and his new path. I am not responsible for his recovery and I can't be, to put that weight on me is not fair. He has created such sickness in our family that we live day to day under the weight of his alcohol and its consequences. I know him better than anyone, except God, and I do believe that he is lying and manipulating me because he is still drinking and he is desperate to hold on to the reality that he knows and he wants to keep us under his control. I don't believe a word that he says and that is not my fault it is the atmosphere that he has created in our home and in my heart. I do not trust him with my future or our children, I trust God and Him alone. He talks about a enemy in our family and that Satan is trying to tear us apart, what he doesn't realize is that his own family sees him as the enemy and his addiction has allowed Satan to be welcome in our midst. I had stood in the gap for him and now that gap is closing in on me and our children and I cannot hold it up anymore. I am out of energy and I can no longer physically or mentally take the emotional manipulation, lies and false hope anymore, it is not in me, there is no compassion and understanding left just hurt and anger. I am afraid that I am already gone from this relationship because of the pain the unwillingness of him to recognize that pain and loss. Have you ever been on the receiving end of an Alcoholic relationship? It's a killer like no other, killer of marriages, killer of dreams, killer of love, killer of everything that you hold dear. It is like standing and facing a tidal wave and not being able to move, run or hide, it just hits you and leaves all kinds of destruction in its wake, not looking back or caring what is left there just subsiding and leaving destruction. There is devastation in our family and being the only sober one, I am wrecked and left to deal with what is left. Talking with him is impossible because he does not hear me, he does not get it. We may be on 2 different paths but I truly believe that the path is not the problem it is his inability to totally admit that the has a problem because of ego or pride and denial and his paranoid outlook that all we want him to do is humiliate his-self in public by going to AA. He wants to keep this a secret and telling other people about this and going outside of our family (me and the children) is a betrayal. I need support outside our home from a Christian counselor and a program, from someone that did not cause the problem and can help me objectively see how I need to deal with this and my own recovery through this. He makes excuses and accepts no responsibility, he accuses, hides and shifts responsibility. He is not ready for recovery but I unfortunately need him to be because when you have come to the end then you have come to the end. I am not the reason for his addiction and I will not be blamed, belittled and lied to anymore because it is not in me anymore. I have no self esteem left and almost no dignity, this is what has been taken from me with no regard in doing so, from the man that promised to love, honor and protect me. No one deserves what has been done to me and our children, I see his pain and I feel it, he does not see our pain and it does not move him. I have stepped up in this marriage and stood by him only to remain alone and discounted. I matter because I am a child of God and he matters for the same reason, the difference is I know that I feel that I matter. He expects me to make him feel loved, that is something that no one can do for you, you can offer love but it has to be received in the heart, it has to be nourished, cherished and tended to or it dies. Thanks for your insight, I appreciate the gift that you have for helping others and I am sorry for the loss of your own marriage, I know that it must have been hard for both of you.

God Bless,

Pam

Answer
Pam,

   Thank you for the additional insight into the situation. I can sympathize with you on the pain and hurt that alcoholism has dealt you and your family. I equate it to the devil himself. Too many people are being duped into the lie that alcohol perpetrates on the alcoholic's mind.

   I have not been on the receiving end of an alcoholic relationship but i have been on the receiving end of other dysfunctional family issues. I remarried but that wife also left me four years later largely because she did not believe in recovery programs or the power for God to work in someone's life. She is a pastor as well, and that was always a mystery to me as to how God is such a foreign concept to her. Go figure. There were many issues from her early life with which she could not and would not deal.   Recovery with God's help is always the answer in my book. Don't get me wrong - I am not saying that I was perfect because I was far from it. But I am human as well.

   But when I learned later that she believes the Christmas story to be a "myth", there is no Virgin Birth, and there is no bodily resurrection, I was convinced (after accepting the sadness and emptiness in that theology) that dealing with the grief of losing a second marriage to someone whom I deeply loved was better than living with those heresies. I did not divorce and I would not have divorced in either situation as I believe that God placed me in them for a reason. I may not always know why or what but somehow God redeems even those things we would call tragedies.

    I do not share that with you to tell you what to do, but I know that if you walk close with the God of your understanding, you will know the next right step. If that is "I'm done" then you're done and the next thing may be to realize it is time to make the move towards separation or divorce.

    Thanks again for the follow up.

Grace and Peace,

Clyde

Hep C and drinking

2010-03-10T16:45:00.000-08:00

Question
My husband has Hep C. Also in the past he has had pancreas problems, being sent to the hospital. He still drinks. 6 beers a day and on the weekend 8 or more. I have asked him to stop but he doesn't . Also smokes over 1 pack a day. He is a very bad eater, eating one meal daily. If this keeps up what will the outcome be? Would this lead to death. Very concerned.! Thank you for your time.

Answer
Louise,

Alcohol is very bad for the pancreas

and doctors recommend that a person

abstain from alcohol so the damage

can heal.

The mortality or death rate for pancreas

attacks is about 10%. That means 10%

of inflicted people could die from this problem.

A person drinking that much daily

has an alcohol abuse problem.

That means he either cannot stop

drinking and is an alcoholic or

he just does not care to stop

even if it means death.

Alcoholics have to have help

to abstain from alcohol.

They have a compulsion and

obscession with alcohol.

Detox, treatment and/or AA

meetings are the best path back

to health.

There is little you can do to force

him to recover and quit drinking.

If you have given him the information

and asked him to stop then

it will be up to him to make some

changes in his life.

You can talk to an alcohol counsellor

about interventions which try

to encourage him into getting some

help or alcohol treatment/rehab.

Call AA and see if they will

send someone to talk to him.

This is a serious problem and

his health is poor.

He has to stop drinking or his

health will continue downhill.

This is none of your fault and

you can only do so much.

Take care of yourself whatever

path he takes for himself.

I wish you both luck and good health

in the future.

Alcoholic brother

2010-03-10T16:27:00.000-08:00

Question
Peter,

2 years ago we lost my little sister at age 41 to alcohol related accident. She had been drinking heavily for years. Now, my brother who is 41 is doing the same thing. He went to rehab (30 day) and began drinking 2 days after he was out. He ended up in the ER in a coma, on a vent and the crash cart brought in. Moved to a sober living(did ok) then after 6 weeks got an apt and now he is drinking again. The way we found out this time was his 8 year old called and said I cant wake daddy up and little brother is crying. OMG I am at a loss. Is relapse this common or is he just not going to make it?

Answer
Hi Kimberly,

I'm sorry to hear about the problems you are experiencing with your brother. It's extremely troubling to see someone suffering severe consequences due to their addictive behavior.

First, let me say relapse is very, very common in addiction recovery. We often say recovery is not an event, but a process. Nearly every day, I hear of someone I have treated, or am treating, who has relapsed.

Addictions are very chronic conditions and require an extraordinary amount of effort to overcome. Most important is for the addicted person to recognize the futility of their attempt to maintain the addictive behavior. This may not occur when we'd like to see it, sadly. Some of my clients don't arrive at a major point of change - where they can accept the need or more importantly recognize the value of sobriety - until they have suffered catastrophic consequences. People will seek treatment anytime in the course of their addictive history, but if pressured by outside circumstances may not be ready to separate from their drug of choice. As we always say, one has to be ready and willing to let the addiction go, to finally acknowledge "this isn't working."

Supporting your brother has been and is going to be valuable, even though he may not recognize it now. It's typical for there to be a lot of resistance, denial, or minimizing of the problem. Alcohol or drug dependent persons may act aggressively to or intolerant of others' concerns.

Educating yourself about addiction can help, as well as attending Al Anon meetings. You can get some information here: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Let him you know you care and will do everything you can to help him. But understand there can be limits to that: you don't want to imperil your own mental health by holding very rigid expectations that he will change when you, or anyone else, has made a strong enough case. This is a very complex problem. You may also want to seek out counseling for yourself, or enlist other family members to build a support system.

Urge him to get treatment again and stay with it longer term. He needs much longer treatment than he's had to get and remain sober.

I hope this helps.

Regards,

Peter

Alcoholic Brother

2010-03-10T16:09:00.000-08:00

Question
I have a younger Brother ( 40 ) who has a wife and two young boys and is an Alcoholic. Everyone knows it except for his Wife ( Who is in denial) and him. I have spoken to him for years and did the big brother thing about not approving his drinking etc to no avail.. Now it's getting worse and I caught him drinking with his young boys in the car the other day and he refused to let me take his boys with me and drove off... What do I do? I am now willing to sit the whole family and call him out on the latest incident and I really don't give a rip if he never talks to me for a long time if it gets him to rehab..... Help!!!!!

Answer
HI Marko,

You are in a position similar to many family members of alcoholics. As far as I know nothing can be done with an alcoholic who is in denial, unless he commits an offence. This is a matter of law and should be discussed with a lawyer. But even forced therapy usually does not work.

The only way an alcoholic may respond to therapy if he is motivate to do so. In that case he may want to be educated as to why he has a problem with alcohol. I do so by referring clients to articles at our web site such as:

Why Alcoholics Drink? at

http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/articles/WAD.html

Alcoholism (Addiction) is a Treatable Disease at:

http://curezone.com/upload/PDF/Articles/jurplesman/alcoholism_treatable.pdf

Drug Addiction is a Nutritional Disorder at:

http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/articles/drug_addictions_nutritional_disorder.htm...

The first step in treatment is going on a hypoglycemic diet. If problems persist, it is best to consult a Nutritional Doctor, Clinical Nutritionist or a Nutritional Psychologist.

_______________________________________________

Jurriaan Plesman, Nutritional Psychologist

Hon. Editor of

The Hypoglycemic Health Association of Australia.

www.hypoglycemia.asn.au

Author of "Getting off the Hook"

Freely available at Google Book Search

Skype: jurplesman

Wife Drinking too much

2010-03-10T15:51:00.000-08:00

Question
Todd, good morning. I have been married for 10 years and for most of that 10 years I have been dealing with my wifes drinking. For as long as I have been with her and many years before she has been what I guess is an alcoholic. I am 53, and she is 48 and we have been married for 10 years. She is a most interesting alcoholic. We have had many many incidentsand I won't bore you with those. But she drinks 1 night, then for a week or two, no drinking. I have threatened leaving her, she wrote me a letter saying she was going to quit, but never has she gotten help, ever, she says she can do in "Online", or alone...The problem is we have an 11 year old and I can no longer hide him, he knows whats going on and is very dissapointed in her behavior. I am thinking about leaving her because she has begun drinking again....No real incidents, so she thinks, whats all the fuss....but she's the fuss because he see;s her drunk, up all night on the computer coming t bed around 5am as I'm getting ready to go to work, now mind you, this isn't every night, most times, things are fine, it's every other week, or twice every other week. Advice?

Thanks

Mike

Answer
She is what in AA we call a binge drinker. It still has it's problems. Alcoholics can be binge drinkers: drinking on occasion but disrupting lives when doing so. You can't quit alone. That's why the first word in the 12 steps of AA is "WE admitted..." Doing it alone will only allow her to talk herself back into drinking. She must be held accountable for her actions if she chooses this way of life. There are consequences for our drinking and we must be allowed to face them or else we may never recover. I'm sorry this is affecting your son. Are you in Al-Anon? A support group for loved ones of Alcoholics. Great program and then there is Al-Ateen for kids who have alcoholics in their lives. A place where your son can relate to others in his situation. If it were me and I had to live with a practicing alcoholic like I was I'd left me a long time ago. Maybe some Marriage and Family therapy? But seek help through Al-Anon and Al-ateen for your soon and perhaps a therapist as well. As practicing alcoholics is the actions you want to watch for not our words. Words mean nothing to us. When we begin to change or want to change watch our actions that's how'll you know we are serious about it. For she can go to www.aa.org. If you need further help write back.

http://www.al-anon.org/

addiction

2010-03-10T15:33:00.000-08:00

Question
My husband who has possible missed less than 12 days of work in 30 years. However, he drinks everyday after work until he passes out, he drinks on Saturday and after church on Sundays. When confronted with his drinking, his response is I am a hard working man. I have 300 plus sick days. I'm not hurting any body. But the problem is his 16 year old daughter, she is embarrassed by his action. She does not bring friends to her house because she does not know what state her dad will be. When confront with how she feels about the situation, his reply is I have to live my life. I am not hurting her. How do I respond to this.

Answer
Sounds like he is a functioning alcoholic. Perhaps the hardest kind to convenience they have a problem. Maybe you want to do an intervention on him with family and any friends that know. And, just let him know how bad he is hurting the family and your daughter. have you guys been going to Alateen and Al-Anon? It's great for family and friend of loved ones who have alcoholics in their life. You can goggle al-anon in your area and find meetings. They can help provide lots of support. That's the best answer I have. They can provide lots of support and answers for you. Good Luck. Al-Ateen if for kids with alcoholics in their life. if you need to write back feel free to.

alcoholic twin sisters

2010-03-10T15:15:00.000-08:00

Question
I have 2 younger sisters that are both functioning alcoholics. Whenever I am around them, they are mean, beligerent, demeaning, volatile, etc. If they don't like what I say, I am being mean. If I don't do what they say, I am being unsociable. If I dare disagree with something they say I am calling them stupid. I understand that this is not about me, but about them and I have done my best to avoid all contact with them whenever possible which also makes me the "bad sister". However, my dad is very old and has cancer so that means holidays and family occasions where everyone gets together so I cannot avoid them completely unless I don't want to see my father or my son.

This question is for me. No matter what I do, the second I walk into the room, the needling begins. This past Christmas I did my best to ignore it and to not talk about anything of substance. However they are experts at sucking me into their games.

For instance, I am having a conversation with my son and my sister who is not even part of the conversation interrupts with her opinion. I clarified what we were talking about which was different than what she was talking about, agreed with her and then offered to email her a link to the article I was discussing. By her reaction, which is typical of both their behavior, you would have thought that I jumped down her throat and attacked her which is a total 180 of how I reacted. She jumped up and yelled at me..."I read stuff to you know. I'm not stupid," and stormed out of the room.

I lost it. I grabbed my purse, said goodbye to my son and left as quickly as possible before I made a scene and ruined Christmas for my dad and everyone else. However, it still made me the bad guy because I didn't sit there and take it but instead left.

This made me so angry and I can't let go of it. It has been 5 days and it just keeps replaying in my head. I cannot confront my sister's behavior or they threaten me and since one is an attorney and the other is my tax accountant it would make my life difficult at best.

This has been going on for 30 years and my father's answer is to ignore it. I cannot even talk to him about it because he is 85 and just doesn't want to hear about it or deal with it. Plus He drinks as well and I consider him an enabler which is additionally frustrating to deal with and my son acts like it is my fault for leaving the house. However, if I had been sucked into their tantrum and lost my temper then I would have been the bitch that ruined Christmas.

I am tired of being the bad guy but I hate the notion of not having any relationship with my family. How can I get past this past incident? What can I do other than just not have any contact with them? I have searched the internet but not found anything helpful. I've got double duty because as twins they stick together no matter what.

Answer
Hello Cindy,

First of all, you are entitled to your feelings of anger and frustration, but, of course, to continue to be controlled by the situation days after is not appropriate and the reason for your question. There are a number of ways to begin to try to protect yourself from the irrational alcoholic behaviors of your sisters, but they aren't easy to apply. First, bear in mind the concept that alcoholism is a disease that explains your sisters' behaviors (but doesn't excuse them): the goal being to direct your anger toward the alcoholic behaviors rather than toward the human beings with the disease. Secondly, please consider attending some Al-Anon meetings, the 12 Step program for those in a relationship with an alcoholic to get support and affirmation: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/. Al-Anon principles can be helpful in recognizing that you are powerless and have no control over your sisters' behaviors and in learning to emotionally detach from their behaviors and alcoholism, to emotionally gird your loins, if you will, before any interactions with them. Thirdly, if you are open to this suggestion, spend some time on a daily basis praying to your source of spiritual strength, God or a Higher Power, for your sisters and for yourself that you can detach from their alcoholism and try to love the human beings hidden somewhere behind the denial and alcoholism. Please feel free to check out my website for more information. Good luck,

Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC

http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com

ex partner

2010-03-10T14:57:00.001-08:00

Question
Hi i have written to you before but there was more information i required,it as now been 1 year since i seperated from my partner things are still no better his behaviour has got worse he seems so angry and abussive all the time we have 3 children together who he was once very close to but now he has no time for them the only time he wants to see them is to get near me to try and convince me to take him back which i dont want to do he blames me for everything and says that i have ruined the childrens lifes he tells lies constantley and is making everyones lifes a misery i am trying to move on with my life which he is making very difficult for me,i feel like this will never end and am so worried about the effect it is having on my children they are age 2,6 and 8 the children do now seem better when he is not around which i never wanted to happen but i am now wondering if maybe this would be for the best.

Answer
Kelly,

if you are no longer with this man

and he is abusive I would suggest

you advise him to stop bothering you.

If necessary speak to the police

about it.

If he is doing nothing to better himself then there is

no use in listening to his complaints or allowing him

to manipulate you.

You owe him nothing as he has not tried

to get help and is likely going to get

worse if he does nothing.

Do not accept his blaming as he played

a part in your break up as well.

If you have done your best to deal

with the situation it may be time

to make some rules for him in regard

to the children.

If he is emotionally unstable

he should not see the children

unsupervised.

The childrens needs should come before

anyone's especially his.

Do they want to see him at all?

If not, let him know and that's it.

If he bothers you further get a

restraining order.

If you really don't want him around you

will have to be firm and refuse to

listen to his complaints.

Tell him the relationship is over and his complaining

is irrelevant now.

If you try to be nice to him he may

just keep manipulating you and hurting

you and the children.

He is a sick man that needs to get

help for himself.

You cannot do anything for him now,

just take care of your self and kids.

Refuse his calls and refuse to argue

or even talk to him.

You have to isolate yourself

so he gets the message.

If he becomes too pushy call the police

and ask for help.

I don't know him but I know how

stubborn a sick man can be.

If you have another question feel

free to write.

Take care!

whats going on with my brain

2010-03-07T02:10:00.000-08:00

Question
Hello...

ok when I drink,I drink to feel lose and it takes the part of my personality that makes me very cautious and uptight away. the only thing is when i finally reach that point, I cant figure out how to stop drinking so i just drink till I pass out. the other thing is I can have one drink and not remember the whole night. then I wake up to everybody telling me what I did which makes me sick seriously. also i do things like wake up crying for examle last night. i woke up crying asking "I want my baby" over and over and i dont even have kids or nothing like a baby.

Answer
Wendell,

   Thank you for your story. You have hit the nail on the head - alcohol does shutdown parts of our personality and make us different persons. The crux of the dilemma is this: Why not get and stay sober and find out what it is about that part of your personality that you feel you need to shutdown? There are all sorts of reasons why this may be. Only you can find that out. People are waiting to help you do that but you must make the commitment to admit you are powerless over alcohol and your life is unmanageable (by you).

   There are too many things to tell you about here. My suggestion is to get to Alcoholics Anonymous (@ $1.00 suggested donation per meeting it is pretty cheap) or treatment ($10,000 +) and begin to realize that you have a physical addiction to alcohol and a mental obsession which can not be broken by will power alone. We all need help.

   Then you will begin to learn the effects of alcohol on your physiology.

   I hope this may have helped.

Grace and Peace,

Clyde

Help

2010-03-07T01:52:00.000-08:00

Question
Having been dating thz guy for 3years now,we had a disagreement a few months back and he started taking alcohol in a stupid way worst of we are far from each other but we communicate i really want him to change please help.vanesa

Answer
Hello Vanesa,

I regret the delay in responding to your question. I have been ill. You really don't provide enough information for me to respond other than in a general way. What are the behaviors that you have witnessed that suggest a problem with alcohol: negative personality change, behavior against his values, excessive use resulting in negative consequences, inability to control amounts or frequency of use? If this man is an alcoholic, I suggest that you condition continuing your relationship on his abstaibning from alcohol use and getting treatment and/or attending meetings of AA. I would be happy to be more specific if you care to provide me with more information. Good luck.

Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC

http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com

Husband who gets drunk and doesnt come home

2010-03-07T01:34:00.000-08:00

Question
Thank you for your time in reading my question. I have been married to my husband for 20 years, around the 17yr mark I divorced him because of his excessive alcohol and drug abuse, after a year and a half he had hit rock bottom and came to me and pleaded that he would never drink, do drugs or cheat on me again. I remarried him and only after 5 1/2 months he was right back at it. Now 6 months later he is not coming home for 3 or 4 days at a time getting so drunk he blacks out and doesn't remember anything from the night before. I am so afraid that he is going to hurt an innocent person drinking and driving. Not to mention that he continually promises my 3 daughters and myself when he comes off his drunk that he will never drink again. He doesn't admit he has a problem and says that he should be able to drink a couple of beers. I just don't understand how hard it is to make a decision......drink or not to drink. Drinking has already destroyed his life once and he lost everything, his him wife and kids. Now he is right back at it only worse. I so bad want him to not drink and I talk to him till I'm blue in the face and he doesn't care. His littlest daughter will call him and beg him to come home he tells her hes on his way and never comes, meanwhile she is looking out the door watching for him asking me what time it is. I seriously cant take much more and I don't want my children to think that this is acceptable behavior. I just don't understand how he can feel good about himself after what he does to us, I don't understand the power alcohol has in his life, you just have to tell yourself NO, I want my family more than anything more then the beer more then the drugs???? I am trying to live a Christian life and it feels like I am living with the devil himself.

Answer
Melissa,

Your husband's behaviour is a hard thing to understand

but I will try to explain to you why he acts the

way he does.

First thing is that he is an alcoholic.

This means he is addicted to alcohol.

He has developed an illness which is

rarely overcome without help.

He has been affected mentally, physically,

emotionally and spiritually by this

chemical (alcohol)

He is not himself as he is being controlled

by the need to consume alcohol

and then he behaves negatively

as a result of it's effects.

He cannot say "NO" without help

and he cannot get help until

he stops his denial of his problem.

He has developed a strong defense mechanism

(denial) to blind himself from how seriously ill

he has become.

When he hit bottom he likely had good intensions

by telling you he was going to quit drinking/drugs etc.

I believe he really believed he was going

to stop and then do what was right for

his family. This happens often with alcoholics.

The problem comes when after a short dry spell

they can no longer resist the urge to drink again.

This is a cycle they repeat over and over until

they either die, go insane, go to jail or

get help from an alcohol counsellor, detox,

treatment centers and attend regular Alcoholics

Anonymous meetings. These are things that

most alcoholics will not do until they

have hit bottom or are forced to make the

choice by loved ones (intervention)

If he is still not ready to admit he is has

a problem and continues to choose drinking

instead of getting help he will continue

to go downhill and take you with him.

You must decide how long you will accept

his behaviour. He may seek help or he may not.

You can talk to a counsellor about

intervention or you can separate

until he shows some real committment

to sobriety.

He may make promises but he cannot keep them.

He no longer is able to stop drinking

just by using his willpower.

If you get him to make promises you

are wasting your time and breath.

He will always drink again until

he gets and sticks with a recovery program

like AA.

I know because I was there 24 years ago.

My wife left and never returned but I

got sober because I knew it was life

or death for me.

In my way I did love her but could not

stop drinking or behave as I should.

Alcohol is very powerful and I only

said "NO" with help. Loving my

family was not enough to keep me

away from the drink and that is a

terrible shame to carry.

I realize now that I was very ill

and needed help.

I hope your husband can do the same.

Always protect yourself and kids first.

This is not any of your fault and it

is totally your husband's responsibility

to get help. Only understand that he

has an addiction to alcohol

and at this point he has lost control.

I hope this helps you to see it

from the eyes of a recovered person.

Take care!

Alcoholic finace we broke up

2010-03-07T01:16:00.000-08:00

Question
the first year of our relationship was awsum and i was ready to marry this woman. We took a trip to Las Vegas with friends and did a lot of drinking there. after that trip she began to drink more and more until there were times when she would wonder out of the bar we were in and walk up the street. Once i found her laying in the street. she would also get very agitated and angry when she was drunk. After a while she forgot to come home several times when she started drinking after work at happy hour with her friends from work, leaving the children and house unattended to. i heard she ended up at the new guys house. its very hard on me and my children but i am trying to make this recent break up stick because i don't want a woman that does these things in my children life and i think i deserve better...any advice on helping the pain and making this stick?

Answer
Hi Jason,

Well, it's obvious your wife has developed a very seious substance abuse problem, or may have had one all along that she concealed.

You dont' say if she ever sought out treatment, but that would have been one of the few chances to reverse this very unfortunate situation.

You indicate that you're now living apart, but have children together. Do you and your partner still communicate? I wonder if she might consider treatment at this point. Barring any other problems in your relationship, if she became sober, there might be a chance for you both, and for the children to be raised in a household with both parents present. Would you be willing to consider that?

I know you are struggling to accept what's happened, but if you are still communicating, I urge you to discuss treatment with your partner. She must be in pretty dire straits herself at this point, likely drinking with the person you say she has taken up with.

If there is no hope for the relationship, and you've really soul-searched it, I would recommend you seek out a counselor who can help you work through this very sad and stressful time. If you see it in your heart to accept her back again, make it with the condition that she seeks and stays in treatment. Recovery from alcoholism is difficult and takes time. You will ultimately have to forgive her for the pain and sorrow she had inflicted on you if your relationship is to move forward.

I hope this helps,

Peter

dealing with alcoholic relative

2010-03-07T00:58:00.000-08:00

Question
This afternoon call from police-close, profoundly deaf relative in jail again "obstructing and fighting w/police, arraignment A.M., $10,000 cash bond. I went to p.u. parked car, left in bar pkg.lot. I think I got it in terms of "not enabling," but wonder if I really, really have to let her "hit bottom" when "hitting bottom," means she will probably be raped/killed on the streets. 40 yrs. of this, got her into detox once for 6 weeks. She has no intention of stopping drinking,wants to die. Appeciate insight, thanks.

Answer
Hello Mary,

I regret the delay in responding to your question. I have been ill. It's never too late to try to get an alcoholic into treatment. You never know when the individual might have a moment of clarity in which she might be open to help. Of course, avoiding enabling does not mean allowing a person to suffer death. I am wondering if you might have some leverage to force this woman into treatment in order to avoid incarceration. If you can, I would suggest talking with her attorney and/or the prosecutor in her case to try to condition any probation on her getting treatment and staying sober. I also suggest you consider attending meetings of Al-Anon: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/. In Al-Anon you can find support from others who have been in relationships with an alcoholic. Good luck.

Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC

http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com

Bloating/IBS

2010-03-07T00:40:00.000-08:00

Question
Hi

I am a former problem drinker that has managed to reduce my binges to once a month or less.

I am in my early fifties. For the last couple of years I have noticed I get extremely bloated with severe abdominal distension for a couple days after a binge.I dont go overboard with the food so I dont think its that.

I have seen my doctor about this and he said my liver tested normal and it was not enlarged, but it was possible I was having a reaction to the alcohol as I do have I.B.S.

In your experiance have you ever come across this?

Answer
Dear Terry

The body reacts in various ways to alcohol overdoses. Because alcohol is toxic to the body, the body reacts however it can to protect itself. Alcohol attacks many organs other than the brain and the liver. The pancreas, adrenal glands and digestive system can temporarily swell in reaction to the acidity and sugar of alcohol. I am not a doctor so I can't be definitive about what specifically causes your swelling other than I am not surprised. Just know that alcohol is an acid and extremely destructive to your body. Good luck.

Bloating/IBS

2010-03-07T00:22:00.000-08:00

Question
Peter

I am a former problem drinker that has managed to reduce my binges (six or more drinks) to once a month or less, and getting real drunk to about once every two or three months.

I am in my early fifties. For the last couple of years I have noticed I get extremely bloated with severe abdominal distension for a couple days after a binge.I dont go overboard with the food so I dont think its that.

I have seen my doctor about this and he said my liver tested normal and it was not enlarged, but it was possible I was having a reaction to the alcohol as I do have I.B.S.

In your experiance have you ever come across this?

I am somewhat overweight but have an apple shape and a big belly. In terms of fitness I do eat healthy and get lots of exercise, so I think its genetic as my Dad was like this.

Obviously cutting out the booze is the thing to do and I have gone for several weeks without a drink with only a mild improvement.

Also, have you heard of any foods or supplements such as 'milk thistle' that could help?

Thanks

Answer
Hi bud,

I would say you have to be very careful with respect to your current drinking level, even though you may not be viewing it as problematic. I'll be frank here and label you still a problem drinker.

The fact that you notice symptoms coming after a binge suggests you're putting some serious stress on your body. Are you willing to disengage from alcohol consumption to allow your body to heal? By that I mean total abstinence. It's hard not to believe from what you describe that you have incurred physical harm to yourself from drinking, and that it won't get worse. You say you cut out the booze for several weeks and didn't notice much improvement. There are two things I would like to say about that: 1) A few weeks may not be enough time for your body to heal; and 2) I wonder if on some level you didn't want to acknowledge an improvement, because if you did you would have to conclude that drinking (of any amount) was something you were going to have to stop. Sorry bud, just telling it as I see it. That's what we counselors have to do every now and then.

I would encourage you to seek out a substance use evaluation and let a trained, certified/licenses counselor give you his or her opinion. Alcohol is toxic to most of the body's organs in large amounts. If you need some links to explain the harmfulness of alcohol, let me know.

I'm not a doctor so can't say how much any dietary changes would help reverse your condition, but many of my clients have changed their diets along the lines of general FDA recommendations. The also take vitamin supplements and believe they help.

Peter

Family and recovery

2010-03-07T00:04:00.000-08:00

Question
I have been alcohol free for 290 days. Never thoughtI could. My husband and 2 children are very supportive and encouraging. They have been with me every step of the way. (Thank you God!) Per advice, from my treatment center I have stayed away from events where alcohol was to be served. (advised at least 1 year) The only exception to this rule is family gatherings. I was okay until Thanksgiving. At that occasion I realized the pain I was still in.(on who I had become). My husband,in love, asked his family if we could make our Christmas eve get together alcohol free. They said they would have to think about it. We have gotten together with our kids for 20 years on this day. A family tradition. They answer came back NO. I thought I had a close relationship with them all, and that they would understand. My husband and children are very upset by the lack of compassion and support. It has been and would have been the only time this request was asked of them. It has turned into a sad hurtful event. It was said this was my problem. I agree, but the way in which it has turned out is very painful. We checked with our counselor and he said it would be okay to ask and that my husband should since it was his family. We did this as suggested. I am afraid this has caused a big riff between us all. Please if you have any suggestions or thoughts I would appreciate it. Thank you, Amy

Answer
Hello to you--

I appreciate your question - you remind me of me when I was newly sober.

Rather than being upset at you not getting the answer you wanted, I suggest that you might focus on how you were able to ask and that you received an honest answer. The number of people who are sober versus the number of people who drink is relatively small.

Short response to you sweetie's family: I am sorry if my request made you uncomfortable.

When most newly sober people make amends they make a mistake in talking about how bad they feel. The best way to make amends is to think about how your behavior might have caused harm and ask two questions: what do you need from me, what do you need to hear from me.....then remain quiet and do what is asked, etc. When we talk about how bad we feel when we're making amends we essentially project all of our stuff on the person who is receiving the amend. Make sense?

Expectations are a mother, especially when you are newly sober. I sense it is important to remember that perhaps their response could have nothing to do with you. Perhaps by allowing you not to drink they are reminded that they have a problem with alcohol.

Many years ago I asked a mentor of mine to critique my resume...her response wasn't flattering and while the changes were minimal, it hurt my feelings....I was finally given feedback that I asked,,,,,,,my mentor trusted me enough to tell me the truth....

a few things to remember:

life is what happens after you make plans

sobriety is a skill

people drink to change the way they feel

recovery looks different for everybody.

You are newly sober..unfortunately, you need to earn the right to ask for what you want in terms of an alcohol free gathering. People don't know you as a sober person for that long...you don't really know if your behavior caused any hard feelings on your sweeties family or if your request made them feel put out yet again.... it's really important to take what is said at face value.

You're sober today..one of the hardest things you will ever do...

Be proud...you must be doing something right.....not everyone gets to reach 290 days of sobriety....

I don't have a 12-step approach but I have come to understand that one of the promises is about being able to talk about how you feel...looks like this has come true for you.

You are always welcome to write back and let me know how it works out.

I wish you much love and luck for 2010

Todd

dealing with a drunk/high significate other

2010-03-06T23:46:00.000-08:00

Question
Hello. My boyfriend and I have been living together for almost 5 years now, and we have had our share of issues. First problem that has occurred is my boyfriend's addiction to porn. It went for a long time as a cover up %26 I soon learned that he had been spending hundreds of dollars of our rent money on these things. Also, now being that it is accessible on the new phone technologies he has ordered things of this nature on his phone as well. Not only did it knock down my self confidence but it caused a lot of trust issues regarding our finances. He also use to never really go out much after work and in the past year he has been going out quite often and drinking until he becomes very drunk. Not in an aggressive way, but in an obnoxious way. He was also recently re-introduced to smoking marijuana on a daily basis. I have told him that it bothers me, and have asked him to at least cut back a number of times. Nothing seems to work. And I am aware that these things have been developed as an addiction. I have bought him books, had talks, and he has attempted to go to an AA or SA meeting however, he has not been to a single one. He's a great loving and affectionate guy, but I can no longer look past all of these issues. I truly value the relationship we have between us, we get along great and hardly fight, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. He use to be a passionate guy who was trying to develop his career as a singer, and now I feel as though he has lost sight of his dreams. I have tried to motivate him and have also helped in pitching in my efforts of helping him write a resume and get a team behind him to help as well. He seems to have lost his motivation to do just about anything. His parents have also been asking him to step up to his responsibilities, but he just seems to push them aside. I don't know what else can be done. Please help. I'm starting to lose myself into wondering if I'm really happy anymore or not.

Answer
Dear K,

Dealing withn an addicted partner is not easy. You have to be careful that you are not enabling him to continue to behave as he is. Addictive behaviour can be destructive not only to the person himself, but to the family or relationships.

So far conventional treatment has not been very successful. This is because most rehabilitation facilities ignore the underlying biochemical factors that control addiction. A person should be able to overcome his addition if he understands the underlying mechanism of addition. Most addicted people are hypoglycemic that needs to be treated before anything else. Please let him read:

Why Alcoholics Drink? at

http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/articles/WAD.html

Alcoholism (Addiction) is a Treatable Disease at:

http://curezone.com/upload/PDF/Articles/jurplesman/alcoholism_treatable.pdf

Drug Addiction is a Nutritional Disorder at:

http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/articles/drug_addictions_nutritional_disorder.htm...

The first step in treatment is going on a hypoglycemic diet. If problems persist, it is best to consult a Nutritional Doctor, Clinical Nutritionist or a Nutritional Psychologist.

I also suggest that he read my book "Getting off the Hook" which is freely available on the internet.

_______________________________________________

Jurriaan Plesman, Nutritional Psychologist

Hon. Editor of

The Hypoglycemic Health Association of Australia.

www.hypoglycemia.asn.au

Author of "Getting off the Hook"

Freely available at Google Book Search

Skype: jurplesman

Binge Drinking

2010-03-06T23:28:00.000-08:00

Question
For a long time, I have accused my husband of being an alcoholic, but he is convinced that he is NOT because he goes for long periods of time with out drinking. Without fail, every time he drinks he drinks to the point of black-out, and most of the time he drives himself home. I know the second he opens his mouth he is drunk. (His facial expressions change, his face appearance changes, even his vocabulary changes) I used to confront him in this state, and it took me 8 years of marriage to figure out this was not the time! He hides beer bottles, lies about where he is or was, and in between binges he makes me feel like all of his misery is my fault. It is hard to not take his disease personal. I have reached out numerous ways to try to get him help. I read a response you gave to someone that said to learn to not hate your husband but hate the disease, but it is difficult to not take his words personal. Both of my parents are alcoholics (both deep in denial, and I am scared of going to Alanon meetings. I am sinking into a deep depression, and I feel I am running out of options.

Am I crazy, or am I on the right track? I bought a hand held Breathalizer -- the man will be so drunk he will tell me he has not had a drop to drink and then blow a .19bac. (I even video taped this happening) We have two girls who are 13 and 7 years old, and I am scared he will be in such denial that he may make a decision that will harm them.

I am beginning to think I am in denial about my situation and using depression as a way to ignore my situation entirely and let his addiction continue to run our lives. Is there therapy out there for me, and how do I explain my situation to the operator who says "whats the appointment for" ?

Thank you

Lost in Longbeach

Answer
Of course there is therapy. I'm alcoholic and sounds like he is full pledged even though it doesn't happen daily. It's not how much it happens it's how it happens and what happens when drunk. Al-Anon would be wonderful for you. It's a great welcoming and comforting group. You don't have to talk if you don't want to. You can go to I'm assuming you are in Longbeach, CA. Here is the Al-anon info. for your area. You can have someone meet you at a meeting so you don't walk in by yourself.

LOS ANGELES - Al-Anon Family Groups of So. California (818-760-7122# 4936 Lankershim Blvd, N. Hollywood, 91601 #888-684-6444 meeting info only#, www.alanonla.org or email: centraloffice@alanonla.org

I went to the AAMFT website and researched Marriage and Family Therapists#which I recommend for you.) I located an excellent agency. They deal with depression, marriage problems, addiction and recovery. They have many therapists in practice. Start here to make an appointment for yourself to begin taking care of you:

http://www.insightgroup.org/index.html

It should be located in your area. If not write back and I'll find more. Good luck. Let me know how things go.

don't now what to do!?

2010-03-06T23:10:00.000-08:00

Question
hi. my children are 21 mths old, we do not live with their father, we live with my boyfriend, who is the best man in the world. my kids father is a drunk who only torments me and trys to make my life miserable. when he gets to see them the kids go to their grandparents house where there is no rules and any thing goes. when they come home they are a mess, tired they no longer know the word no and so on. Their dad has two other kids with someone else they are 17 and 20. He really isn't a good dad well when its convient he is. His parents are in denial about the extent of his problem and only enable him did i mention he is 37 years old? i guess where i am going with this is i know that he is not going to change but i worry about the toll this will take on my kids. do i continue to let him see them even though he doesn't look after them. they are still young so i guess I'm feeling pressure to come up with a decision ASAP. i know that things will only get worse and the kids will be the ones who will be affected by this. do i continue or do i nip in the butt what i only see to be disastrous to my children. please help.

Answer
Hi Jill

You are clearly in a very difficult situation and I empathise with you.

I am not in a position to comment on any legal issues regarding the custody of your children, but to my knowledge, unless there has been a court order taken out against your ex partner he is entitled to see his children as are his parents. It is very common for family members, especially parents, to be in denial about someone's abusive drinking but it is unlikely that you are going to change that.

Most families have different rules and boundaries where children are concerned and depending on the relationship you have with the grandparents it may be difficult to change that. If alcohol is involved and you feel that your children are at risk then of course you would need to take action with the appropriate authorities.

As long as your children are safe with the other family, I suggest that you focus on maintaining a loving and safe environment for your children when they are with you and where you have clear rules and boundaries. Children are surprisingly resilient and if you bring them up to understand reasonable discipline and stick to any consequences if the boundaries are broken, they will most likely respond accordingly.

Whilst alcohol is clearly involved, it seems to me that your issue is related more to parenting, separation and the safety of your children. I suggest you talk to your GP or another professional such as a social worker who can help you see the way.

I wish you well.

Kind regards

Di

Alcoholic father

2010-03-06T22:52:00.000-08:00

Question
My father who was sober for over 10 years relapsed and has attempted several times to recover. I have a 5year old son who adores his grandparents. Since, his relapse it has been very difficult to not allow him to go over visit. His grandmother plays a big role in his life and it hurts me to tell her that he can't go to her house. I guess I feel like I'm punishing her. It upsets me too that she tell me that he is sober today or he was sober yesterday and should be fine today. She is in total denial and I thought I was over the resentment I had towards her for allowing my brother and I to grow up in that situation but continuing to live in her situation. Although, I think my son it too young to notice his grandpa is drunk, how could he be effected by being in that environment?

Thank You

Answer
Good for you. I would not allow my child to see his grandfather if he was drunk either. As addicts and alcoholics we must suffer consequences for actions and this is one for you dad. Have you stated it that plainly to him? I'm sure after all these years you are familiar with Al-anon, are you /mom going? Why don't you try to find an AA and al-anon meeting at same place and agree to meet dad there. Sometimes as addicts we need an extra little push and knowing I was going to meet someone there will do it sometimes. Confront your mom when she says Dad is sober and apparently he is drunk. Call her on it. Hope this has helped. if you need to write back do so.