Wife's Alcoholism

Question
Leigh - I last asked a question on 11/22/09 which was answered by Beverly Glaser. Her response was very helpful.  Since you are in recovery, I wanted to get your insight.  My wife is an alcoholic, and her family has struggled with the disease. Her deceased father was a recovering alcoholic, but my wife "knows" that he continued to drink.  Currently her mother and brother drink daily, but they are "functional".  I've never known a time when my wife refused to have a drink except when she was pregnant (we have 4 little girls).  Things came unglued after our 4th child was born(4/07).  In 2/08 my wife was arrested with a .33BAC after an accident with all 4 girls in the car - it was a Saturday afternoon.  She spent some time in jail, 90 days in patient (2nd time) and then lived in a half way house for 9 months.  She came home in 2/09.  First 4 months were great, now we are back to her drinking and driving.  Unfortunately, it takes me a while to figure out what is going on.  She'll never admit that she's been drinking unless I can produce the alcohol.  I don't play that game, because it's not worth it.  She is incredibly good at convincing me that she did not have anything to drink.  It seems like nothing has changed, but what has kept our family on this roller coaster is after a period of drinking, once she is "caught", she becomes a great Mom again, and I think it looks like we are now on our way, until one day she's drinking again.  After the last one week binge, where she met us at church under the influence, I've decided to proceed with our divorce (I still have sole custody of the children since 2/08 incident).  She is not going to fight me on custody, and as long as she is sober, she will be a huge part of the children's lives.  AS I told her, we've been to our "rock bottom", and if that wasn't it for her, I'm sorry.  The interesting thing is that she never agreed that she had been drinking that week (I didn't look for the bottle), and she is almost euphoric with the divorce.  I'm happy because it will make it easier to get this done quickly, but is she just in complete denial? She says that she is an alcoholic, but really doesn't go to AA - she's got it this time.  Any thoughts on what keeps her drinking?  My thought is that her family continues to drink and she still thinks she can have a drink and she drives to prove to herself that she can handle it.  Sometimes she'll confide that she wants to be normal and have a drink once in a while, or admits that she just had one or two drinks (16 oz water bottles of vodka).  We have no alcohol in the house and I have not had anything to drink since Aug '07 to support my wife's sobriety, and I can't stand the misery that alcohol has brought to our lives. Just wanted to get your thoughts as a women in recovery.



Thanks,



Dave


Answer
I'm surprised she is alive after a BAL of .33. Are you attending Al-anon? I think it would be great for you. I'm glad you have stopped enabling her. Why does one continue drinking? Because they are addicts. We drink for many reasons. The problem is not alcohol. It is a symptom of the problem which is us. One has to be sick and tired of being sick and tired before they will quit. We will exhaust all options until we see there is no other way but recovery. She is simply not ready. The disease has her in its grips. The alcohol is stronger than anything right now even the bond of mother and daughter. She has 4 options: jails, institutions, death or recovery. i hope she chooses the latter. Alcohol does for us what no one or nothing else can. It is our best friend. Perhaps she thinks she is destined to die like her day and is trying to fulfill that self-fulfilling prophecy. Have you though about an intervention with friends and your family? But again if she is not ready then it won't do any good. I had to learn a hard lesson. It took many relapses before i accepted the program. And, any one who says they "got AA". Doesn't have a clue. We never get the program. We work a life time on the program. As you probably know an alcoholic can never drink successfully with one or two drinks it will eventually lead to a bottle. Hope this has helped. If you have more questions please feel fee to write back. Know is the time to take care of you and the kids.