What should I do?

Question
I am engaged to a man and our relationship is in tatters.  We have been together for 2.5 years and known each other since high school.  We are now looking at parting after a year of conflict about the same issues of excess alcohol consumption, the time he spends with mates drinking, a lack of intimacy/disinterest in sex and a pattern of lying. I am worried and care about my fiance, despite the angst and disappointment this relationship has caused me. We tried to have a baby earlier in our relationship but I had a miscarriage which seemed to be the point at which we started to spiral downwards.



I think he is an alcoholic.  After living together for only a few months I spoke to him about my concerns regarding how much he drinks.  He indicated is biological mother (he's adopted# and his adoptive father were both alcoholics for a period in their life.  He wrote this idea off and said he was just in a patch because he wasn't working and waiting for a job to come up which he'd been wanting to do for years.  He is not doing that job and manages it successfully.



He now acknowledges that he drinks too much but justifies it by saying we all have vices, that's his, and he's healthy in what he eats, does - lots of exercise and he maintains his job successfully.



He works shift work so on his four days off he would spend most of that time drinking.  He can drink a whole case of beer #24 beers) in a session, or a whole bottle of vodka 750ml.  He seems to have racked up over 10k in credit card debt, most of this is drinking and activities related to drinking - going out, gambling etc.  If we go out to dinner he would normally have already consumed 12 beers and would happily polish off a bottle of wine too.  He can drink back to back so spend a whole day until late drinking and then get up and do it the next day again.



I have tried to talk to him about this in a compassionate, caring, angry, disappointed way with no success or indication he will address the problem.  I just don't know whether to cut ties and leave him to sort it out or whether there is something I can do to help him.  I feel that my positive lifestyle that I use to lead has slipped away and our lives seem to revolve around his drinking.  To the point where at the beginning of last year I took a 6month  work contract interstate because I just couldn't manage the lifestyle he lead.  He seems worse with his drinking now than before I left.  



Is there anything I can do?  I don't feel skilled enough to manage this problem but I worry that if I walk away he'll continue down this path.  People around him are aware he is a 'big/seasoned drinker' but I'm not sure they are aware of what he consumes at home, often alone.



Your advice would be appreciated.


Answer
Dear Bronwin.



You are in a similar position as many other partners of alcoholics. All I can say that it is very difficult to treat alcoholism and an alcoholic has to be really motivated to overcome his problem. If not, I suggest that you seriously consider separation as after all you have to think of your own future and the future of your children. Alcoholics are good at destroying human relationships you should keep this in mind.  But if he is motivated to do something about his alcoholism he needs to understand the underlying biochemical abnormality that affects alcoholics and people with mood disorders. No doubt having regard that his biological parents having had an alcohol problem, this would indicate a faulty gene running in the family. This gene could be passed on to your children, if you were to marry him. But genes can be beaten. Alcoholism is a physical disease that needs to be treated FIRST before considering other psychological issues. Please read the following articles:



Why Alcoholics Drink? at

http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/articles/WAD.html



Alcoholism (Addiction) is a Treatable Disease at:

http://curezone.com/upload/PDF/Articles/jurplesman/alcoholism_treatable.pdf



Drug Addiction is a Nutritional Disorder at:

http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/articles/drug_addictions_nutritional_disorder.htm...



The first step in treatment is going on a hypoglycemic diet. If problems persist, it is best to consult a Nutritional Doctor, Clinical Nutritionist or a Nutritional Psychologist.



I notice that you are living in Australia, if your partner wants to see a doctor to help him out, please let me know.

I also recommend that he read my book "Getting off the Hook" freely available on the internet.



_______________________________________________

Jurriaan Plesman, Nutritional Psychologist

Hon. Editor of

The Hypoglycemic Health Association of Australia.

www.hypoglycemia.asn.au

Author of "Getting off the Hook"

Freely available at Google Book Search

Skype: jurplesman