torn and confused

Question
Hi Rebos

I don't pretend to understand alcoholism or if my ex is actually an alcoholic.  He binge drinks and has done for years. He's given many reasons why he does this. Sometimes he says it's to stop bad dreams, sometimes he says its because he was on his own and lonely - there's a heap of others too. He has always been a daily drinker. It caused me so much pain I left a few months ago. It also cost him his job. He now tells me he's getting help and will stop. He's not going to AA but is seeing a psychologist fortnightly I think.  When he doesn't drink he gets cravings and has withdrawal symptoms like the shakes.  Is this what distinguishes an alcoholic from an alcohol abuser?  He wants me to come back, but I've heard it all before so I'm reluctant to go back there.  I've read that without AA alcoholics rarely recover. Is that true?  Is it realistic to hope that he may succeed this time or odds are its just another pipe dream?  Thanks for your time.


Answer
AA is the most successful program for Alcoholics. However, we do not claim to have a monopoly of how to get sober. Many people get sober in church, therapy and cold turkey. Sounds like he needs some medicine to help with withdrawals and shakes. I'm an alcoholic. Sounds to me like he's an alcoholic. With all the consequences he has suffered. A heavy drinker can stop. An alcoholic cannot. We often suggest to someone who is not sure if they are alcoholic or to go into a bar and try some controlled drinking a few times. We will fail. The heavy drinker will not. Sounds like he need to be detoxed in a hospital or residential setting due to shakes and withdrawals. Are you going to Al-Anon? A great support group for loved ones of alcoholics. Let his actions speak louder than his words. We often promise the world only to deliver a pile of crap. Watch his actions for awhile. Is he doing what he says, being responsible, not drinking, getting help? Let him focus on his recovery. The reason why he drinks is because he likes the effects produced by alcohol. It does something for him that he cannot do for himself. The problem is not alcohol, it is a mere symptom. The problem is us. Until we work on us we are not going to change and stop drinking. Hope this has helped. If you need to write back do so.