Stopped drinking

Question
My boyfriend who is 44 has stopped drinking for 8 months.  I thought our relationship would improve but it hasn't.  His mood swings and anger are so bad and yet he doesn't see it.  He takes everything out on me and is constantly telling me everything is my fault and how bad I am and I need to look at myself.  I am trying to look at myself, and I know there are issues I need to address, but the things he gets angry about are things like I might turn the tv over and he will say I did it on purpose because I knew he was watching it. And he will be so angry! Things like that.  He attends AA regularly and an aftercare therapy class every week and yet he still does not seem better.  He has stopped doing his steps as he has not yet got a sponsor and I'm getting the impression he is not bothered.  I have recently started to attend Al-Anon but I am not yet learning anything about recovery behaviours and what alcoholics are going through.  He won't discuss his feelings with me and says he's fine and that I need to look at myself.  He says he never feels like a drink.  Is he telling me the truth?  If he is telling me the truth, where does all this anger come from?  He thinks his behaviours are normal and it is me that has all the problems. Can you give me a bit of insight of what he may be going through and how I can support him or do I give up?  Thanks so much for your time.


Answer
Bren,



The twelve step programs do encourage

working on our own reactions and

behaviours as these are the only

ones we can possibly change over time

and working the individual steps as

we understand them.



Your boyfriend sounds to be

having quite a struggle with

his emotions which is very characteristic

of recovering alcoholics.



He is having to make many changes

inside and outside of himself

which creates alot of turmoil.



He is still fighting the changes

he has to make to stay sober

in the long term.

Alcoholics are full of denial

and then the anger sets in

as they resist changing

and giving up their old self.



Eventually they start to gain

some emotional maturity

and may be a bit depressed as

their anger subsides.



This roller coaster goes up

and down until they develop

better ways of coping with

their demands and their anger

about things not going their way.

By nature they are immature, demanding

and selfish.



Over time they start to outgrow these

traits if they work the steps

as a way of life and stay sober.

If they drink because of their

anger they will start right back

where they were emotionally.

They do not grow as a person when

drinking.



Alcoholics are stubborn and

do not like being told what to do.

If he is to get a sponser it will

be his choice.



Of course he is behaving poorly

and this is not in line with

the twelve steps  unless he recognizes and makes

amends for his outbursts.



Your part is to realize his behaviour

is driven from his internal confusion.

You can only try to be patient and

work on your own reactions to him.



He will need much time to "grow up"

but he will not take well to being

reminded of this.

Do what you can to care for your own

feelings, going to Alanon is a good

start.



Give him some space to learn what he needs

to but don't accept being abused

because of his problems.



This is his struggle so try to

detach as they say in Alanon

to work on your own feelings

and well being.



It is now his responsibility to

recover as he knows about his

problem with alcoholism.

You can do little in regard

to his choices now.



Take care and get some time

to yourself when possible.



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