stay and support or walk away?

Question
ok my boyfriend and i have dated off and on for 3 years, we lived together for a while then i left him because he would drink and get so mean and after a while even when he wouldn't drink he was starting to not care about me or anything else anymore. i moved back to Utah (we were in Vegas). he moved back eventually also, we stayed friends because of my son. and then dated a little he had changed back into the person i loved. when he is sober he is the most loving caring person i know.he makes me laugh, hes just great and the love of my life. once we got back together he changed...drastically i have not seen him in a month he will make plans with me then not show up. i won't hear from him for days and then when i do its like nothing has changed we are still that loving couple. i know i should probably leave him but he talked to me last night and told me to do what i have to do, that he knows he is an alcoholic and that its not a choice its a disease. i can't give up on us, i have walked away from men i have loved before for a lot less but i feel like my love needs my help and needs to know i will be there for him no matter what, for better or worse. but when is enough enough? if its a disease then he is not choosing it over me, he doesn't have a choice. but when he is sober shouldn't he make a conscious effort to make things better and hold onto me? what do i do? this is not some boyfriend, this is the love of my life, my soul mate, we had planned to marry. it breaks my heart everyday i don't hear from him. when do i put me first and say enough is enough? i know who he really is i know his heart and this is not him. but how long do you stand by the people you love? i know the answer should be "forever" but with this disease it could drain me forever


Answer
Beth, if he's your soulmate and you want to hang on with all you've got then you need to join Alanon.  The reason I  promote their 12 step program is because they understand what you are going through.  They will show you how to draw boundaries and live your life for yourself.  They won't tell you to leave him but they will show you how to be happier with the choices you make.  How not to enable him and you'll get a better picture of what Beth wants and needs.  You should probably check out a meeting, find a sponsor who your gut tells you gets you (you might not find this sponsor during the first meeting) and you keep going until you can't wait to go.  You will find a solution, you will find hope, you will instinctively know what to do in time when these questions arise within yourself.



I am a romantic, I believe true love wins over all, but I also believe you need to take care of yourself and your child and having someone in and out of your life is not good for either one of you.  Your priority should be you and your child and by attending meetings, getting a sponsor, sharing with others what you are going through, the solutions will come.  Maybe he'll start attending his own 12 step program but he can only do it for himself.  Hopefully all will work and you two will be happy together.  But first take care of yourself.



If you need to write me again with any other questions, please feel free.



Good Luck, please go to a meeting as soon as possible and find your solutions.



Robyn