Relapsing boyfriend

Question
Dear Todd,

I am seeking advice about my boyfriend(age 28) or two years and what I should do to help him.  His history is this: he has gone through two major alcoholic bouts in his life and recovered twice.  He quit for the second time last May, and he has since been living with serious withdrawal. He has been suffering from Depression, intense Panic attack disorder (3-5 times a day). Doctors have recently put him on Paxil (3 weeks ago), in addition to Ativan. All the while he is trying to get through law school. The Panic attacks are worsening, the paxil is not working yet and is his making him apathetic, depressed and suicidal.



This struggle has compromised his goals in law school, and with these pressures all together he has begun to lose all hope and give up.  Last night he drank for the first time in 7 months (he called me and told me this). He said 'it was either drink, or jump in front of the subway train.'



I would like your advice about what I should do to help him.

These next few days are critical in determining whether he fully relapses or not.



Should I go to his appartment this weekend and help him stay sober and support him emotionally . Or - Should I play tough love and end the relationship conditional on his full abstinance from alcohol. I do not want to break up with him, but I want to do what?s best for his recovery, i.e. I do not want to enable him and I am not sure if emotional support constitutes enabling...does it?



Thank you in advance for any advice you can give me.



Best Regards




Answer

Beverley Glazer MA. IC

Hi Anonymous,



Bev here. Your boyfriend has been battling substance abuse as well as anxiety and depression. You would not be enabling him by going to his apartment, in fact it may be helpful, however, no one can stop anyone from drinking. He'll get the alcohol if he wants to.  



Here is some information on enabling behavior that can be helpful. Http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html



If you go to his apartment, do positive things ex. go out, see a movie, shopping etc. Be a couple. Don't be a babysitter.



I believe that your boyfriend is overwhelmed with pressure and drink provides the esacape.  Encourage him to go to meetings (even if he doesn't like them) This is where he can develop a social support network for when he gets cravings. You should also encorage him to get counseling.



Panic attacks are very frightening and depression leads to hopelessness and dispair. When you feel there's no point , you may as well drink.



Research has demonstrated that taking medication alone is not as affective as combining it with cognitive-behavioral therapy. He may be able to find a counselor in university. I hope he gets the help that he needs.



There is no need to leave the relationship unless you've exhausted all the options. Right now, the situation is not hopeless.



I hope this information is helpful



Thank you for asking AllExperts



Best of luck,



Bev

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com