Recovery

Question
After 17 years of marriage and many fights over alcohol and marijuana use, I divorced my husband for a 2nd time.  It has been 7 months now, and he has hit rock bottom.  Currently lives with his brother and family in another state.  Has spent his savings and is sick with very high blood pressure, shakes, and depression.  He called me several days ago to say he realizes his mistakes, everything that has happened is because of his behavior and drinking and has stopped the drink and marijuana.  He wants to have a life again with me, and wants me to help him.  He wants to move back to the state where I am living and go to AA here.  He wants to see me during this time and spend time with me while he is in recovery.



My friends tell me this is not a good idea.  That he should stay where he is continue to work, make money, go to AA and get a sponsor to lean on instead of me.  I understand what they are saying but find it very hard to tell him I can't help him when he has finally agreed for help after 17 years and has finally realized that the bad things that have happened are because of his behavior.  He is at rock bottom and I feel like I am closing the door on another human being who needs help.   Any advice is appreciated.   Thank you


Answer
Debbie,

     Thank you for your questions and for some explanation of the past history with your husband and the current status.



     My gut tells me that now is not the time for him to make the move back to you.  I hear your concern for him and evidently something is there in your heart for him because you have made two vows to be with him "in sickness and in health."  Those were shattered because of the drug and alcohol addiction and I feel for you and your husband in that painful history.



     Now, that being said, I am glad to see that you would even consider the move back to you but let me make a suggestion.  This does not concern you - it concerns him and his physical and mental addiction to alcohol and marijuana.  He needs to get honest with himself.  He needs to work the program for himself and for himself only.  After some time of his own work through the program steps and truth and honesty to himself, perhaps a move back is possible.  It brings up the concept of "enabling" the addict - we don't let them stand on their own two feet and literally grow up.



     Alcohol and other addictive substances stunt one's mental and emotional maturity. Many alcoholics, once in recovery, are able to make the connection - they never grew up mentally and emotionally into adults and thus they never grew out of bad behaviors.  It takes some time for the recovering person to recognize this and do something about it.  The honesty we come to feel essential in our recovery prompts us to accept this about ourselves unashamedly and with out reserve.  Then we move forward with a renewed sense of life and exuberance for life.



    He needs to grow up.  He needs to learn these things about himself.



    Now, about you...You also will need to understand some of your own history as to why you have allowed and would consider allowing bad behaviors from those you love.  It is not an indictment about you - it merely states the truth about all of us - we have issues and they can sometimes prevent us from making good decisions.  I would suggest that you find some Alanon meetings to attend (if you haven't already) to understand more about your own self and how to deal with a recovering loved one.   Then, as he shows you he is serious you can make some better decisions on just when to allow him into your world again.



    I know this will be hard to receive if you truly love this man because you'd probably love to have him near you.  But he is in for a world of feelings and emotions as he matures over the course of the rest of his life - one day at a time.  This certainly does not mean your shouldn't stay in contact with him letting him know you care for him but it does man giving him time before he comes back to your home. I am going to suggest a minimum of one year with his attending AA daily, getting a sponsor and using that sponsor, and working through the steps of AA as a living amend and proof that he has really gotten the message - he is an addict/alcoholic.



    I hope this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.



Grace and peace,

Clyde