Recovering Friend

Question
My best friend, whom I have known since college, has just completed a 28-day alcohol program.  He has now returned home and is not drinking.  We have been best friends for more than 30 years.  Many of the activities that we enjoyed together were social in nature, and invariably involved alcohol.  These activities would include dining out, going to sporting events or just hanging out.



I am finding that I don't know what activity to suggest that we do together without taking a risk that would trigger a relapse.  He tells me that if he followed what his counselors taught in recovery, he would break ties with everyone in his past, including me.  I want to support him in is recovery and I can certainly refrain from alcohol whenever we do something together, but I am at a loss as to what to suggest that we do and how I can be most supportive.  Any suggestions would be helpful.


Answer
Thanks for the question - I can tell his friendship is important to you.



It seems that it's important to note that people in early recovery can have very black and white thinking, and I suspect that his counselor unwittingly encourages this sort of behavior. The idea is to shield a person from anything which might encourage them to drink. While this seems good in theory and in treatment people can get an idea of what it is like to be totally clean, it fails on a few levels. I used to work for a large inpatient treatment concern and they went as far as prohibiting coffee, sugar, various reading materials, and even a few alternative newspapers. I can see what they were trying to do, however, we don't live in a cave - your friend will encounter much of the same thing, and while he needs support to stay sober, he doesn't need a blanket.



I'd simply tell him that you consulted with a long-time clinician who encouraged you to ask him what he could do to feel safe and comfortable. Remind him that he's important to you, and you're willing to make small changes while you're around him to support his sobriety - ask him to plan a few activities. I'd also suggest volunteer or charity work, or clean and sober events. Check out meetup.com or look into volunteermatch.org or find your way to serviceleader.org.



It seems to me that recovery is really about choices. There are many people who don't have an addiction history and don't drink, but they live a life committed to health..they have made a choice to have a different lifestyle..



Thanks so much for the question - you are always welcome to write back and let me know how it works out.