partners drinking

Question
I have been with my partner for 8 years he was a alcoholic for 6 of those years .there was violence and always verbal abuse , I found out he was cheating and we broke up for a while , in this split he crashed his car lost his job ,after this he wonted to came back . I said we would try and sort things out,its been 18 months now and he has got drunk twice in the last couple of months and wants to drink more over Xmas ,I am so scared and worried what should i do ,he can switch my words around make me say things i don't mean ,I think earlier i somehow agreed to him drinking please help


Answer
Karen,

    Thank you for your questions.  We alcoholics are sly as the devil and we can get just about anything we want from someone else.  You have experienced that from the fellow.  I suspect that is the reason you feel "duped" into saying things you didn't mean and then even being unable to recall exactly what you said.



    This fellow is clearly not ready to quit the hooch.  He is not at a place in which sufficient consequences have resulted from his drinking.  Until then he is not going to be able to quit.  Alcoholics must hit what we call a "bottom" and that is where we know we are beat and we have to give up.  Will it be enough that he lose you for a second time?  who knows?



    My suggestion is this: If you feel that you have said that you will allow the drinking over Christmas, then consider rescinding that permission by telling him you have rethought and have reached a different conclusion.  If you have not said you will allow drinking then make doubly sure that you reiterate the ban on alcohol over the holidays.  He needs to know the rules of the game.



    If he does drink over the holidays then it is time for you to take a good long look at yourself and ask yourself why you are allowing the behavior of drinking in the relationship.  This is where it is important for you, the non-alcoholic, to decide what you will and will not accept.  We backtrack on our positions because we are not firm enough in them and we are afraid we will lose something we don't think we can live without (a relationship, financial support, etc.).  The alcoholic has made us sick in being close to them and we need to step back and work on ourselves.  That is where Alanon comes in. If you have not attended some meetings of Alanon I suggest that you make a phone call and go to a couple and meet women who are and have dealt with this problem. They will be good support for you as you make some decisions on what you want out of life where alcohol is not allowed.



   I hope this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.



Grace and Peace,

Clyde