partner

Question
i met my partner 4yrs ago and altough he had a drink or two each day i wasn't aware at that time he had a problem, i knew however that he was on a methodine  programme, his drinking seem to just spiral until last year he finally faced his problem and entered a  10 day detox programme, but sadly seemed to get lost in the system and received no after care, he relapsed within 3 weeks but we acted quick and got back in touch with our local alcohol services, now a year later he is in the very early stages of rehab and im  currently aloud to speak to him on the telephone,but until he moves up from his first stage am unable to visit. he was never abusive in any way, in weird sort of way he was peaceful. the problem is now at the end of his 6th week his struggling with the programme and its strict rules, his missing home and keeps saying he want to come home, i understand this is him trying to transfer the responsibility to me and i try so hard to help him stay positive,but when i spoke with him yesterday he was complaining of being bored and falling asleep in group and getting consequences because his not following the rules etc. i know the centre his in aims at them leaving completely drug free which he was really positie as his been on anti depressants for years and sleeping tablets  too. so i expected him to be a bit down but his keeps asking how long he has got to stay before he can come home, ive gone over with him how well his doing and the time given to him is the time they felt he needed,and he would regret it if he left, also that i carnt make that choice for him, but also have said i want him home well, its got to the point now were im worried when i call because of finding the right things to say so he doesnt make the  decision to leave, he has been known in the pass to disappear and im concern he may do that, ive been trying to get him to talk to someone there but his not the best at talking about this sort of things, this is also normal i know, but the centre dont do family sessions and they carnt talk to me because on the confidence breach, but i have voiced im concerned,but they felt sure it would of been picked up, but his very good at hiding what he wants to, i know if he leaves its his responsibility and choice, but what can i say that will help him to make the right choice?


Answer

Beverley Glazer MA. IC

Hi Tina,



Rehab is hard work and after six weeks of restrictions,  naturally your boyfriend wants to go home. At home, he can do what he wants to do, and that's the problem. If he does what he wants, rather than what he 'has' to do, he'll be back to drinking in no time.



If he's bored, falling asleep and resents consequences for that, he's not changing his behavior. He can only get from the program, what he puts into it.  You're understanding and compassionate and he can take advantage of your good nature. It's for this reason, that you have to stand firm.



Tell him that you love him, but you can't stand that he's killing himself with alcohol and medication. Tell him that it's time to shape up and stop fighting the program. In AA language he has to 'let go and let God'. He has to let go of his old ways.



Expressing how you feel is always the right thing to say. He may not like hearing it, but  at least he'll know what you're thinking. There is nothing you can do about him leaving, because he'll leave if he wants to -- particularly if he knows he has a place to go  -- but don't make it easy for him. This is hard to do, I know, but stand up to him.



I hope this information is helpful,



Thank you for asking AllExperts



Good luck,



Bev

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com