My roomates alcoholic boyfriend

Question
Good After noon Druideck,

My question is actually for my roommate Her name is Amy.  Amy is 21 years old she has lived with me since 2007.  She is my best friend, a wonderful person. I recently changed duty stations (im in the military) and she found a boyfriend here.  What a catch NOT! He is a 32 year old man who has been in and out of rehab for drungs and has quit using meth and started using alcohol.  He drinks to the point that he cant take his own shoes off he urinates the bed and will fall over.  Its disgusting to me because I have never had to deal with anything like this.  She will help him up, take his shoes off and clean up his urine.  Its gotten to the point that they had to through out a mattress and they are now sleeping on a blow up mattress.  My husband and I sit back and try not to through up.  It doesnt seem to bother her shes not embarrassed or she doesnt seem like she is.  She says she loves him and he loves her but I just cant believe that thats true. He treats her like an animal exposing her breast while people r around smaking her butt infront of people.  I was raised in a christain home and like I said have never had to deal with this.  I want to sit down and talk to her and tell her how we feel about him.  She has changed from a sweet girl to someone who dedicates her life to someone who I know in my heart wouldnt do the same for her.  Shes gained weight and seems down alot. He is dragging her down and she doesnt see it. Are there reasons women want relationships like this?  Please give me some kind of conversation starter so i can sit down and tell her all of this and an explanation of why she is in this relationship and why it isnt health.  I am on the egde and about to tell her she needs to move out on her own. Thank you


Answer
Hi Sara,



Yes there are reasons for Amy's behaviour.

One reason is that people are sometime

attracted to situations that resemble

their family of origin.



An example would be if Amy's father

was an alcoholic and her mother

the codependent that enabled or

took care of him.

Amy would learn that her "job" is to

be ever loving and take care of

her boyfriend so he can one day change

and be the man she wants him to be.



These behaviours are deep rooted

and usually involve two emotionally dependant

persons. Each is dependent on the other

for their survival (they think).

Many women will hang on to guys like

this even through much mistreatment

and abuse. They only feel whole when

trying to help a troubled man.



This is very hard to address from

the outside due to the denial and

forces at work here.

It is much like having an addiction

to a person.



Get her a copy of Robin Norwood's

books on "Woman who love too much"

This will be a start getting

her awareness raised to where she

can see why she accepts such a poor relationship.

These books are online, amazon, ebay etc.

Very highly recommended for women with these

attractions to troubled men.



Don't expect things to change soon,

this will be a struggle for her,

she may keep going back no matter

what you do.

You can only plant the seed of knowledge

and hope it grows in her soul.



Take care!