love and alcohol

Question
QUESTION: Hello,

I recently ended for the second time an on/off two year relationship with a wonderful man whom I love very much. Something never sat quite right with me about him - although he was extremely loving and attentive he was moody, emotionally immature, and we had a terrible time at conflict resolution - so we broke up. At that time he told me was an alcoholic which surprised me somewhat because he drank very little, if at all, in front of me. But, he does own a bar, and his behavioral issues certainly could be explained by his alcoholism. Well, 6 months later we 'fall back into things', against both of our better judgement and recently things ended again - I couldnt commit because I knew things hadn't really changed (although I could tell there were some changes in how he was handling conflict). We ended things and then he tells me he will go to AA. And he has started going - he sends me weekly texts telling me about his progress. He did not tell me this to 'get me back'; I think he realizes it just didn't work out btwn us. he's doing it for himself, which is the best reason. But...I'm plagued with guilt about leaving him at a time he's going through something so difficult and anger for him not getting himself together earlier. I know I need to let go but it's been 7 weeks since the (final) break up and I still worry about how he's doing and miss him terribly; I wish I was still with him and wish I could've been the type of woman who could love him unconditionally and stand by him. But I couldn't, i thought it didn't feel right but i secretly worry that its because i'm weak and wasn't up to the challenge. Please help me, I'm trying to break this cycle of thinking and move forward...I feel so static, and so sad. I really would appreciated any advice or guidance (no sugar coating necessary!). Thank you.



ANSWER: Hi Ayesha,



I am happy to assist any I can, and have a views about this situation which I will offer you.



First, let me say I commend you for looking out for yourself, while you have been compassionate about his alcohol problem.



Most of what you have told me about him is typical behavior of someone who is alcohol dependent: we see the crisis orientation, resistance to change, and concealment of his use, combined with the personality traits you mentioned.  No doubt he felt admission of his alcoholism would be a deal breaker in the relationship.  



You took a stand and didn't commit, feeling he was not or had not made enough progress in addressing his alcohol use.  Despite what it seems, I believe he is responding to your dissatisfaction with his drinking, and seeking out AA.  That's good, but there should be more effort on his part.  I think he needs treatment as well.



In my field we measure recovery by time sober, lifestyle changes, degree of support system involvement, and quality of life overall.  It is a long process, often fraught with relapse.  Gaining independence from addiction is almost universally difficult.  First, one has to understand the nature of the relationship with a substance. It is the nature of that relationship emotionally, psychologically, biochemically. that presents such challenges.



This excellent article should help explain that relationship:



http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/addicts_dilemna.html



I tend to take a conservative approach on measuring recovery.  I find it is necessary for someone to achieve a year of sobriety to establish a strong recovery orientation and direction.  Relationship involvements are a high wire act, if you will, as they can create vulnerability for the early recovering addict or alcoholic.  There are emotional ups and downs that can be threatening, and how does this person deal with that stress?  By self-medicating with a drug.



In my view it is best that he pursue recovery of his own initiative, seeking out treatment and support group involvement.  You can be supportive, but I don't think moving back into the closeness you had will be constructive.  



You say you wish you could have been the type of woman who could love him unconditionally and stand by him.  You could have chosen to be that person ultimately, and still could be, but there could be some liability for you.  You might want to read about co-dependency, and see if you share some of those traits.



Let him get his recovery underway and stay in touch.  Listen to him speak about his sober lifestyle. Is he enjoying it, does he relate to sobriety, is he expressing a desire to improve on every level and be the best he can be?  If you don't see these indicators, he may be stalled in the process, or simply rejects sobriety.  Some drinkers cannot embrace the sober lifestyle.  

They try again and again to find a way to drink "successfully."  



Let's hope for the best, and if he achieves this solid sobriety, he can be a reliable relationship partner for you.



Best,

Peter











---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------



QUESTION: Thank you Peter for your reply. I've read your answer several times. I am definitely a person who finds comfort in intellectualizing things, so your frank objectivity helps put things in perspective for me.



I read some on co-dependecy, and did find one or two traits that I have, that could fit to some degree. I definitely have a hard time accepting reality, even when it stares me in the face, and I hold onto things, stubbornly hoping it will get better. And I always want to help, sometimes to my detriment. I guess that's clear from the situation with my recent ex. I think deep down, I know it's likely never going to happen again with him, because of the exact reasons you stated. I want to show my support peripherally but I need to move on. Getting myself to accept this, is the hard part, but I'm going to be patient.



I'm 31 and have been in 4 significant relationships. My 'deal' is that I get into a relationship, have a feeling within a few months if its 'right' or not (its always been 'not' except in one case), yet still procede forward - my friends call it being 'loyal to a tee' but it's obvious I don't trust my gut. I also grew up in a paternalistic household, where my mom was clearly unhappy in the relationship but has stuck with it, and I wonder how that's affected my behavior, if at all, in my relationships.



I also get myself into relationships with men who are 'hard' to be with - I tend to 'go with the flow' and don't stop and think if the person is objectively a good fit for me (or if i do, i ignore it). For example, I've seriously dated a man from a strict Jewish background (my background is Muslim), a businessman who lives in Panama (I live in DC), and my most recent ex, a 44 year old hipster bar owner with all the aforementioned issues. I've always had a proclivity for unconventionalism and I wonder if my choice in men have to do with the fact I've chosen a very conventional career path and hence, life, for myself. I also wonder if my choices reflect a fear of true committment - by being with men whom on paper are so different than me, I subconsciously set it up to not work out. I'm not sure to what extent any of the above is true but i revisit it several times.



Also, this is hard for me to admit, but part of the reason I was with my recent ex for so long was because he treated me so, so well and I'm terrified I won't find that again in someone. And looking back, I find something in each relationship and hang on to it fiercely, and hence I make it hard for myself to let go.



I guess I'm telling you all this because I'm not sure if I have issues I need to work on with a therapist or if this is not atypical behavior/thoughts for a single 31 yr old female professional living in the city. What do you think?  Peter, I worry that I won't find a man I truly want to be with; i wonder if I'm capable of loving someone in that capacity. And I guess if I do, I worry he won't feel the same (that happened before).



Thank you for your guidance, it's really much appreciated.


Answer
Hi Ayesha,



>> I already sent you this response, but later realized I had a bit of an uncompleted sentence at the end, which I removed.





I really appreciate your very active consideration of all facets of this situation, and I think with the continued effort, you will eventually arrive at an even greater point of illumination.  



A lot has been written about how people choose relationship partners, and what's involved when there are patterns, often self-defeating to varying degrees, when we choose a certain type.



There has been some talk about a "bad-boy syndrome" in which some women are drawn to men who on a practical level, are completely inappropriate, but who nevertheless are compelling.  An example is a high achieving female who dates an aloof, domineering, or high risk male, perhaps one who has vacillating employment or goals, uses substances, or flirts with her friends.  Here's one article I've read about this:



http://www.counselormagazine.com/feature-articles-mainmenu-63/32-women-specific/...



Now I don't mean to imply this represents your behavior, but just to demonstrate what constitutes a particular thought process when seeking partners.



I think therapy would be helpful in gaining more perspective, and highly recommend that course of action.  The therapist may be able to point out some tendencies in your thinking and behavior that may be working against you in seeking or being in relationships.  Your mentioning that you have a hard time accepting reality could bear some examination.  What does that mean in your everyday life?  What does it mean if you actually decide to "accept reality"?  These are the types of questions I'd explore with a therapist.



I feel your active introspection will bring about good results, and hope for the best in that regard.  Take care!



Peter