Leaving Husband

Question
Hello,

I have been married to my husband for a little over 2 years. He is 41 and I am 44.  He has been abusive physically and verbally to me, and verbally to my son. He also drinks excessively. He has passed out two times in the last 12 months, peed on the rug, and thrown up twice. Every night he comes home he has had something to drink...and I am careful with saying EVERY...so there may have been a few times but those were the times I was with him.



I have finally decided, after several threats, to leave him. It has taken me a while to wake myself up and realize that this dream was in reality a nightmare.  It is weird to say that I love him as much as I do...but I do! We share SO MUCH together...and that has been what has made leaving him so difficult.  Unless someone has been in my position, I know it sounds just pitiful telling this story and then saying I have stayed as long as I have.



My question comes from reading another reader's letter on this site, where alcoholism was addressed.  The reader was told that alcoholism is only a symptom to an underlying problem.  I was wondering what types of problems were being referred to?  Like a childhood problem?  A physical problem?  And..if these problems are solved, can the alcoholic be healed?  WHY is alcoholism such a lifelong illness if the problem is addressed and solved?  I just didn't understand this part.



Tomorrow my son and I are moving into our new apartment. It is a very scary move as money will be very tight and there are a ton of emotions flying all over the place.  My son recognizes the good in my husband...which there are so many good points...but the bad has just overcome the good...and the bad times are coming more and more frequently.  My husband does not seem to have a good grasp on reality...and is extremely illogical...even during the day when he is not drinking. Is this common?



A lot of info...and mixed up questions...thank you for your time. It is so much appreciated.



JS


Answer
Jill,



Hello, it is never easy to leave someone

even when things have become mostly bad

in the relationship.



Alcoholism is a primary illness

which means it may have some underlying

problems that accompany it but it

is also a problem on it's own.



This means that just addressing the

other problems a person may have

will not address the alcoholism.

It helps a person that is in recovery

from alcoholism to deal with problems

that may increase their desire to drink.

Problems can increase stress and the

stress may lead to a relapse into

drinking again.



Also, before you can really do anything

about other emotional problems

you need to be sober first.

Trying to grow emotionally

or spiritually can not be very

effective when a person is

drowning their emotions in drink.

Drinkers are emotionally repressed

which means they have not grown

to handle lifes problems

because they always drank instead

of developing coping strategies.



Once an alcoholic enters a recovery

program and/or treatment he has

to avoid drinking.

If he drinks his mind and body once

again become addicted to alcohol.

He does not think well and

the craving of alcohol starts up

again.

This is why it is a lifetime program

of recovery. If he drinks again he will

soon be as bad as ever and will

again lose control of himself.



Solving childhood problems is part

of healing the past so the alcoholic

can rid himself of anger and

resentments that might threaten his

sobriety. Without this personal growth

he often feels unable to cope

without resorting to drinking again.

Drinking is what he turns to when

he wants to feel better or forget

things that are a bother.



Many drinkers cannot stand the

process of recovery which requires

honesty, sobriety, and learning

how to handle the stresses of life

without drinking.



They sometimes relapse and it makes

it very hard to stick with sobriety.

The ones that don't seek help

and work on themselves will almost

always drink again in time.



Making promises to ones wife is not

enough to overcome alcohol

no matter how much one may want to

keep that promise.

He will have to seek help and attend

regular AA meetings for at least a year

to gain any real success.

This is something many people

will not do until they are in very

bad shape.



His grasp of reality may only get worse.

I think you have done the right thing

by refusing to accept his behaviour.

You must take care as there is no

certainty that he will seek help.



To sum up alcoholism has to be addressed

first and once sober any underlying

emotional problems that may be causing

problems or stress can also be looked at.



Just getting rid of problems doesn't

keep the craving for alcohol away.

If he drinks the craving returns

and this happens even when sober

for many years. The brain can not

handle alcohol, it is an alergy

for alcoholics.



Let me know if you have questions

about any of this and good luck!



Druideck