Leaving Husband

Question
QUESTION: Hello,

I have been married to my husband for a little over 2 years. He is 41 and I am 44.  He has been abusive physically and verbally to me, and verbally to my son. He also drinks excessively. He has passed out two times in the last 12 months, peed on the rug, and thrown up twice. Every night he comes home he has had something to drink...and I am careful with saying EVERY...so there may have been a few times but those were the times I was with him.



I have finally decided, after several threats, to leave him. It has taken me a while to wake myself up and realize that this dream was in reality a nightmare.  It is weird to say that I love him as much as I do...but I do! We share SO MUCH together...and that has been what has made leaving him so difficult.  Unless someone has been in my position, I know it sounds just pitiful telling this story and then saying I have stayed as long as I have.



My question comes from reading another reader's letter on this site, where alcoholism was addressed.  The reader was told that alcoholism is only a symptom to an underlying problem.  I was wondering what types of problems were being referred to?  Like a childhood problem?  A physical problem?  And..if these problems are solved, can the alcoholic be healed?  WHY is alcoholism such a lifelong illness if the problem is addressed and solved?  I just didn't understand this part.



Tomorrow my son and I are moving into our new apartment. It is a very scary move as money will be very tight and there are a ton of emotions flying all over the place.  My son recognizes the good in my husband...which there are so many good points...but the bad has just overcome the good...and the bad times are coming more and more frequently.  My husband does not seem to have a good grasp on reality...and is extremely illogical...even during the day when he is not drinking. Is this common?



A lot of info...and mixed up questions...thank you for your time. It is so much appreciated.



JS



ANSWER: Jill,



Hello, it is never easy to leave someone

even when things have become mostly bad

in the relationship.



Alcoholism is a primary illness

which means it may have some underlying

problems that accompany it but it

is also a problem on it's own.



This means that just addressing the

other problems a person may have

will not address the alcoholism.

It helps a person that is in recovery

from alcoholism to deal with problems

that may increase their desire to drink.

Problems can increase stress and the

stress may lead to a relapse into

drinking again.



Also, before you can really do anything

about other emotional problems

you need to be sober first.

Trying to grow emotionally

or spiritually can not be very

effective when a person is

drowning their emotions in drink.

Drinkers are emotionally repressed

which means they have not grown

to handle lifes problems

because they always drank instead

of developing coping strategies.



Once an alcoholic enters a recovery

program and/or treatment he has

to avoid drinking.

If he drinks his mind and body once

again become addicted to alcohol.

He does not think well and

the craving of alcohol starts up

again.

This is why it is a lifetime program

of recovery. If he drinks again he will

soon be as bad as ever and will

again lose control of himself.



Solving childhood problems is part

of healing the past so the alcoholic

can rid himself of anger and

resentments that might threaten his

sobriety. Without this personal growth

he often feels unable to cope

without resorting to drinking again.

Drinking is what he turns to when

he wants to feel better or forget

things that are a bother.



Many drinkers cannot stand the

process of recovery which requires

honesty, sobriety, and learning

how to handle the stresses of life

without drinking.



They sometimes relapse and it makes

it very hard to stick with sobriety.

The ones that don't seek help

and work on themselves will almost

always drink again in time.



Making promises to ones wife is not

enough to overcome alcohol

no matter how much one may want to

keep that promise.

He will have to seek help and attend

regular AA meetings for at least a year

to gain any real success.

This is something many people

will not do until they are in very

bad shape.



His grasp of reality may only get worse.

I think you have done the right thing

by refusing to accept his behaviour.

You must take care as there is no

certainty that he will seek help.



To sum up alcoholism has to be addressed

first and once sober any underlying

emotional problems that may be causing

problems or stress can also be looked at.



Just getting rid of problems doesn't

keep the craving for alcohol away.

If he drinks the craving returns

and this happens even when sober

for many years. The brain can not

handle alcohol, it is an alergy

for alcoholics.



Let me know if you have questions

about any of this and good luck!



Druideck

























































































































































































---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------



QUESTION: Dear Druideck,

Thank you so much for responding to my question about alcoholism. How could you explain to a non-alcoholic the intensity of the craving?



It has been 2 nights now in our new apartment. It was unusual being in a home where my son and I were not wondering what type of condition my husband was going to be in when he walked in the door. It felt very strange...and it was sad at the same time..because I do miss my husband very much...but know this was the best thing for me and my son.



When someone is an alcoholic, does the disease affect him even when he is not drinking? Like during the day...does he have any side effects? Also...he never seems hung over..which just amazes me. Even if he was just dead ass drunk the night before...he springs up the next morning like a pop tart ready for the day. Never says he has a headache...nauseaus...nothing!  Why is this?



He has called me promising he will go and get help for his anger..and for his irrational thoughts and anger towards my son. He has made so many promises before that he has not kept...so we are not falling for it again. I told him that he needs to address his drinking, anger and acceptance in order for us to ever make a step in the direction of reconciliation.  



When you mentioned the childhood issues...I really think he has some that need to be addressed.  Does AA help in this?



One last comment...today he told me that he only drinks in spite..and that he can stop any time. This does not make sense to me, because even when things are great between us, he will come home drinking. He even came home on our anniversary drinking...and I had asked him so nicely to not so we could have a special date. Does this sound like an excuse to you? During the holidays, he drank 2 HUGE bottles of Southern Comfort alone..over maybe 2 weeks. He had bought a 3rd bottle and tapped into that as well. THIS JUST DOES NOT SEEM RIGHT TO ME.



I am just all over the place tonight..as my mind is going a thousand directions.

Thank you for your time.

Jill


Answer
Jill,



I hope you are well. It is normal to

feel some regret or even grief when

things change. You are letting go

of the past and looking for a better

future.



The craving an alcoholic has is best

described as an intense hunger.

It is like an obsecession in the mind

and a physical hunger which keeps

pushing until the hunger is filled

by drinking. It is very persistant

and impossible to refuse.

This is the nature of most addictive

behaviours whether chemical or behavioral.



In time alcoholism affects the person

more and more. They suffer a decline in

their mental, emotional, spiritual and

physical life.

This eventually starts to affect them

drunk or sober.



After drinking a long time the alcoholic

gets a bit of an immunity to alcohol.

This explains why he wakes up with few

side effects. He will start drinking

just to feel normal at some point

and will not feel the euphoria he once

knew from drinking.

At this point he may say things like "I

just don't get much from drinking anymore"

Drinking starts to be just a tool

to survive and is not much fun anymore.



Of course you know to be careful with

his heartfelt promises.

He may really think he can stop drinking

and may even be able to for short periods

of time.

He is in denial and does not realize he

cannot stop without outside help at this point.

He will struggle with this for much time

I would think.

Few alcoholics can lower their false pride

enough to get help.

Alcohol has to often push them into

recovery through pain of broken relationships

and other life problems.



When things hit bottom some alcoholics will

accept advice and help from AA.

The twelve step program in AA is a great

help in addressing old problems

and for growing emotionally.

It is the best path I have seen for most alcoholics.

It is the path I took to gain 24 years of sobriety.





He will have many reasons and excuses for drinking

but that's all they are, excuses.

He will have to give up all the excuses to

gain sobriety. He will have to start being

honest to himself and others.

Alcohol as an illness is working to keep him drinking.

His thoughts will support this. Recovery helps

us let go of these wrong thoughts and

start thinking sober thoughts.



He will not be able to keep his promises

even though he may be serious.

Without help alcohol always wins.



Also Jill, try to get more focussed on yourself

and your own life now.

It is common for wives to be a bit obscessed

with what "he" is doing or not doing.

You have done what you can so let go and let

him sort out his problems.

Your responsibility is now to you and your

son. You do not have to "fix" any troubled men.

You can try to look instead at what you

can do now to make yourself a healthier

person. When he sees you improving that

may be a big incentive for him to change.

After living with an alcoholic it is

hard to give up wanting to control

him or change him.

This can be addictive as well.

He becomes your addiction and starts

to be an obscession to you.

This is something to be aware of and

I hope you can find other things to do

rather than think about changing your

husband. Concern is normal but obscessions

are not.



Good luck!

Druideck