leaving an alcoholic

Question
When I was 18 years old I met a guy who was 22, life of the party kinda guy. I quickly fell in love with him. I at the time partied with him and drank along side of him and thought nothing of it because he was only 22 and I figured he would grow out of it. Well I moved in with him at age 19 and became like a house wife. I did all of his laundry, took care of all of the cleaning etc. Well as the years went by his drinking escalated and I realized he had a bad problem. He was known by his friends as the bachelor fun drunk guy and he was proud of it. After i saw he had a problem with alcohol i was disgusted everytime he drank. I started staying away from alcohol period. He would drink so much that he would drive drunk, black out and not remember things,and it put a huge strain on me. I was so exhausted from fighting with him about slowing down. He would never admit he had a problem. Even though it was the one and only thing destroying our relationship. I loved him so much that I would some times just keep my mouth shut to avoid a fight and I just kept lying to myself thinking he would eventually change. After 5 years of denial on my part and hoping it would change because I loved him so much. his drinking got so back that he blacked out and sent a text message to a girl at 2 am asking her to come to our home while i was out of town. I was devestated. The person I knew without the alcohol would never do something like that to me. That made it the hardest was that the person without the alcohol I adored and was completly in love with. I began to just avoid reality because I didnt want to lose him. We went to counseling together after 4 years of being together and he told the counselor that he thought he could just drink on the weekends. Well that lasted a week. I found him in a bar on a thursday the second week. Still I caved and stayed with him. Then the 5 year mark came along and I was so exhausted from putting how i felt aside to keep him around I decided it was time for him to get help. I needed to make a choice for the rest of my life. I wanted marriage and a family one day and he was incapable of that. I gave him a choice. Either he get help and go to AA and we continue counseling and I'd be there supporting him the entire time or I had to leave him. And after a few hours he chose that he wouldnt give up alcohol and So it took everything in me to stick to the ultimatum I gave him and I left. He tried contacting me a few times begging me back and I refused. During our time apart his friends told me his alcohol problem got worse. During this time I tried to ignore how I felt and be strong. But I struggled so much with my self esteem. How could someone who told me they couldnt live and breath without me and loved me with all they had choose to not even try to stop drinking. How could he chose that over us? Well a week ago today I got weak and I went to his house and I told him I couldnt move on and that I loved him more than anything and didnt want to be without him and he told me he felt the same way and had some thinking to do. Well a few days went by and all I heard was that he was drinking heavily each night. And he just told me he had a whole new lifestyle and he wasnt sure that he could give it up. And I almost gave in and was going to take him back with him being an alcoholic just because i was so heartbroken without him. I was going to put things i wanted in my life aside when he is completly selfish and he wouldnt do the same for me. So finally last night I woke up and I just made the choice that I couldnt do this, I couldnt go down this road again. I know in my heart that he doesnt want to stop drinking even though he sees how its destroying his friendships and relationships. I dont see how he can do that. So I told him that I cant do it and I blocked his phone number this morning. I feel so guilty in a way because I feel like Im the best thing that he had and i left and is he ever gonna get help? And today including this past year I have been through hell. I have been so heart broken and my self esteem is so ruined that he chose alcohol over me, when I thought the love we had together was worth more than that. So I just need advice how to move on and not feel like im not worth it.And did i give up on him or not do enough? It's been the hardest thing in the world loving someone so much who has an addiction and wont do anything about it and he loves me but he loves alcohol more.


Answer
When you are in the midst of your addiction and have not hit bottom you do not have choices. You are physically and mentally addicted to that substance. It has a pull on you like nothing else. So he did not choose alcohol over you because he has yet to see that he has chooses. At this point in life, he cannot live with alcohol. He lives to drink and drinks to live. Addiction cannot be fully understood unless you are an addict. You yourself saw you can't make him change. He's not ready he may have many more years of drinking to do before he dies or decides to stop. It's not a lack of will power. Lord knows alcoholics have enough of that. It's addiction. Imagine yourself being pulled my 4 men while you are holding on to a door jam and trying to go the other way. Do you feel that pull? That's like the pull of addiction. I'm glad you left. You deserve a better life. To move on I suggest you go to some al-anon meetings. You can google Al-anon and locate meetings near you. It is a group of people exactly in your shoes that educate and support one another. You would find a lot of help and understanding there. As practicing alcoholics we make lots of promises but fail. We want to do the right thing but that pull of addiction has us in its grips. You were no longer dating the man you first met you were dating a man who was empty on the inside and filled with nothing but alcohol and lies he tells himself. That man is gone and will not return the same once he is sober. I'm proud of you. You did the right thing. Maybe after a few months of missing you he will decide he has suffered enough consequences and is tired of living in hell and now decides to get sober.  Stay true to you're decision. You did the right thing.