I think my fiance has a problem

Question
I have been with my fianc? for 2.5 years and he only recently became my fianc?. Now that we are so close to marriage, I am freaking out even more about his drinking and I don?t know what to do.



My fianc? really likes to drink. He says it?s because the way he was raised. He is Irish and his whole family drinks a lot, so I definitely know where it started, but he doesn?t seem to think he has a problem and I do.



He really doesn?t drink very much during the week, but the weekends are another story. We are both very big sports fans, but he seriously has a hard time watching one of his favorite teams play without a beer in his hand. Also, if his team loses then he celebrates too much and if they win then he drinks away his misery. He has, on occasion, drank so much that he has blacked out. Now I can recognize these times, but I am still powerless against them,



I cheated on my previous boyfriend with my current fianc?. That was years ago and I have never and will never do it again. The main problem is that when my fianc? drinks too much, he has a blackout and starts to get very paranoid. He will call me a whore and ask me who I?m going to screw that night. During these times, he can become physical. He has never hit me, but he has pushed me and spit on me. These usually end with him throwing me out of the house. Usually I will just go sit in my car for a while and wait for him to finally pass out. Sometimes I have judged it wrong though and we?ve spent the entire night with him yelling at me and throwing me out of the house. Every single time he does this, it is because in his mind I am cheating on him. He will check my phone and out of nowhere think that I am screwing one of our friends who is on my contact list.



The day after, he is usually angry with me at first because he still thinks that I cheated on him, but then he comes to his senses. He swears that he doesn?t remember all the other stuff though and after I tell him he is full of apologies and stupid promises to never do it again.



These do not happen frequently, but the fact that they happen at all is bad enough. I just don?t know what to do. Now every time he drinks I get nervous and I get this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. To make things worse, we have a roommate who lives upstairs and he does nothing to help the situation. He has seen one of my fiance?s blackouts. I?ve even spoken to him about my fianc? having a problem and he agreed with me. Yet, he is always bringing home beer or asking my fianc? to go to happy hour and things of that nature.



I have talked to my fiance about his drinking several times and he is full of excuses. I?ve asked him if he would act this way if we had a child and he swears he wouldn?t, but I just don?t know. I did leave him at one point for about 2 weeks, but came back. I missed him so much.



I am lost and have no idea what to do. I realize you are probably wondering why I am with him at all, but it is because he is amazing when he is not drinking. He is funny and sweet and we click very well. When he does have a blackout, it is like he is a completely different person. I have never loved anymore more than I love this man, but I really do not know what to do about his drinking.


Answer
Hi Kala,



I can see how this can be a very tough situation for you, and am glad you are seeking information and advice in order to address this in the most appropriate manner.



Let me say first that from the description you provide of your fiancee, he has very serious problems with alcohol.  That probably goes without saying, but there are serious implications for you (or anyone living with someone alcohol dependent) that bear some consideration.



Your boyfriend is at the blackout stage of drinking, which indicates his use has been, and is, progressing.  That means he is in a downward spiral - the sort of thing I have seen many, many times - and he will wind up in a crisis if nothing is done.  It's hard to say what his "bottom" will be or when it will happen.  Obviously his denial is intact, and this will only prolong his admittance he is out-of-control with alcohol.



I would offer that on some level, your fiancee is still having issues with your infidelity.  He can claim he is still stinging from that event, and that is why he drinks so much. He can be acting out passive aggressively by drinking "at you" for your misdeeds.  The fact is he has to reconcile what happened and go on with his life, and his life with you.  



I understand your having terribly conflicted emotions about him. You say he can be a wonderful partner when he's not drinking.  I don't doubt that, but that may not make up for the serious trouble his drinking will bring upon you and your household.  



I think you will have to do some soul-searching here, and consider what kind of married life you want to have.  And alcohol problems don't just go away when children come into a relationship, as if to create a new era of responsibility.



He has a very powerful relationship with alcohol, more powerful than with you it may seem, but that is the manifestation of the addictive behavior.



It might be helpful for you to attend an Al-Anon meeting, or make an appointment with a therapist to discuss your feelings and possible options.  If you were to ask me if you should go ahead with the marriage with things as they are, I'd say no.  But that is your choice to make.  He needs treatment for alcoholism, and he needs it now.  He needs to recognize the downside of alcohol, and to understand that alcohol will not make his life better.  Try to build up a support system around this situation. You will probably need it, as things could get worse before they get better.



Read this very interesting and informative article on the why addicted people do what they do:



http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/addicts_dilemna.html



I urge you to consider your safety and well-being as you evaluate what to do.



Hope this has been helpful,

Peter