Husband who gets drunk and doesnt come home

Question
Thank you for your time in reading my question. I have been married to my husband for 20 years, around the 17yr mark I divorced him because of his excessive alcohol and drug abuse, after a year and a half he had hit rock bottom and came to me and pleaded that he would never drink, do drugs or cheat on me again. I remarried him and only after 5 1/2 months he was right back at it. Now 6 months later he is not coming home for 3 or 4 days at a time getting so drunk he blacks out and doesn't remember anything from the night before. I am so afraid that he is going to hurt an innocent person drinking and driving. Not to mention that he continually promises my 3 daughters and myself when he comes off his drunk that he will never drink again. He doesn't admit he has a problem and says that he should be able to drink a couple of beers. I just don't understand how hard it is to make a decision......drink or not to drink. Drinking has already destroyed his life once and he lost everything, his him wife and kids. Now he is right back at it only worse. I so bad want him to not drink and I talk to him till I'm blue in the face and he doesn't care. His littlest daughter will call him and beg him to come home he tells her hes on his way and never comes, meanwhile she is looking out the door watching for him asking me what time it is. I seriously cant take much more and I don't want my children to think that this is acceptable behavior. I just don't understand how he can feel good about himself after what he does to us, I don't understand the power alcohol has in his life, you just have to tell yourself NO, I want my family more than anything more then the beer more then  the drugs???? I am trying to live a Christian life and it feels like I am living with the devil himself.


Answer
Melissa,



Your husband's behaviour is a hard thing to understand

but I will try to explain to you why he acts the

way he does.



First thing is that he is an alcoholic.

This means he is addicted to alcohol.

He has developed an illness which is

rarely overcome without help.



He has been affected mentally, physically,

emotionally and spiritually by this

chemical (alcohol)



He is not himself as he is being controlled

by the need to consume alcohol

and then he behaves negatively

as a result of it's effects.



He cannot say "NO" without help

and he cannot get help until

he stops his denial of his problem.



He has developed a strong defense mechanism

(denial) to blind himself from how seriously ill

he has become.



When he hit bottom he likely had good intensions

by telling you he was going to quit drinking/drugs etc.

I believe he really believed he was going

to stop and then do what was right for

his family. This happens often with alcoholics.

The problem comes when after a short dry spell

they can no longer resist the urge to drink again.



This is a cycle they repeat over and over until

they either die, go insane, go to jail or

get help from an alcohol counsellor, detox,

treatment centers and attend regular Alcoholics

Anonymous meetings. These are things that

most alcoholics will not do until they

have hit bottom or are forced to make the

choice by loved ones (intervention)



If he is still not ready to admit he is has

a problem and continues to choose drinking

instead of getting help he will continue

to go downhill and take you with him.



You must decide how long you will accept

his behaviour. He may seek help or he may not.

You can talk to a counsellor about

intervention or you can separate

until he shows some real committment

to sobriety.



He may make promises but he cannot keep them.

He no longer is able to stop drinking

just by using his willpower.

If you get him to make promises you

are wasting your time and breath.

He will always drink again until

he gets and sticks with a recovery program

like AA.



I know because I was there 24 years ago.

My wife left and never returned but I

got sober because I knew it was life

or death for me.



In my way I did love her but could not

stop drinking or behave as I should.

Alcohol is very powerful and I only

said "NO" with help. Loving my

family was not enough to keep me

away from the drink and that is a

terrible shame to carry.

I realize now that I was very ill

and needed help.

I hope your husband can do the same.



Always protect yourself and kids first.

This is not any of your fault and it

is totally your husband's responsibility

to get help. Only understand that he

has an addiction to alcohol

and at this point he has lost control.



I hope this helps you to see it

from the eyes of a recovered person.



Take care!