husband who binge drinks

Question
hi, i really hope i can get some advice as to what to do with my current situation..

i am here on a workin holiday visa with my alcohlic (whos suposed to be in recovery) husband.

wev been gone for 11 months,and we are hopin to stay on here, as it is a better life for us both.



my husband is 28, and has been driking alcoholicly since he wwas about 11. i met him when i was 16, and we started dating wen i was 17.. i thought he ws a cool party boy, and fell in love with him.. his drinkin got worse, and he would party for days, obviously drugs were involved, but alcohol was him main drug...

we broke up a couple of times over the years, and we got back together under the pretences that hed give it up and be a proper boyfriend... that happened for a couple of weeks and then the same pattern would happen again.

then one saturdday i had enough and ended the relationship for good. i told him not to contact me i was finished with the crap.

he tried to talk me around, but i changed my number etc..

i was heart broken,i loved him, but couldn copewith the unpredictability and the lying and the mis trust. i was miserable.

after about 10  months, i heard that he had went to treatment, and was doin pretty good. h wrote to me, asking me to come to a therepy session, where i get to tell him exactly how it effected me over the years, but i declined as i felt it qould bw too painfull and open up old wounds, so i wrote him a letter instead,i outlined a few main points that stuck with me, and told him i didnt want to go back.

he got the letter and he broke down in treatment, and his counclilor said thats wat he needed to hear, and it helped him heal, he opnend up.

he continued to write to me, and wen he got out, he gave up his social nights out drinkin, for AA meetings o a sat night..

things looked promising..

eventually we agreed to meet up, and chat, and we did. we got back together, and we were so happy..

we got married that autumn and we had 3 years of bliss, without him drinking.. then he had a "slip" wen he finished a trades course and became an electrician,he went to play pool with the guys, and someone bougt him a drink, and then he went on a binge and i didnt see him for 3days...

of course wen he returned, he was ful of remorse and swore it was only the once, that idt never happen again... until 6months later, wen we had a really bad argument and he left the house with his new jeans on and his aftershave. didnt see him agian for 2days..

agai he came back with te promises, and returned to AA for a few sporadical meetings. he had a sponsor, who wasnt in a good palce himsef, and stopped talkin to him after a minor misunderstanding, so that was helpful!!!!!!!

anyway, he had a further 2 slips that year,and it seemed to be after any argument that we had...

but each slip, he came home a day earlier/ the last slip befor we went away, he lft at about 7 and then came home at 3am(i was at ap arty and came home early to find an empty bed, and he then returned, thinkin he would get in before me). our tickets were booked to go to australia in 6 weeks at this stage..

we had a chat,and i was unsure of goin.. he felt that his life in our home town was bringing him down, it wa too hard wen everyone he knew was partying,but him, he wanted to be a normal person,just to have a few drinks with the lads, and come home. he felt he done that this time, by comin home at 3, but he was twisted!! couldn stand, and vomitted into a decorative bowl with candles, uh!

he seems to thin he doesnt fit into any box as such, with alcoholics. even thouggh he does recognise he has a problem, he feels he has it under control. said meeitngs jsut dont do it for him. and nothing really bad happened wen he drank, he didnt loose his job, me , our house ect... i explained its aprogressive disease an hes stil young, so thats ahead of him..  he spoke with a doc, and he suggested counciling. he made appt to se addiction councilor, ut no appt available til after we left.

i got advice from family, and fellow alanon people, that to give australia a go,it might be sut wat he needs, a different lifestyle... so i did.

ad we had a fabulous 10months here and thailand.. life is perfect at the mo, he has great job,he gets paid wel, we live in a lovely appartmnt, and a lovely area. he continusly says he doesnt want one thing2 change, hes so happy.. he has been to  a couple of meetings here, just last night, hses been readiing his AA Big Book, adn doin really well.. until yesterday!

he went to work,at 8am, and due to finish at9pm.. he txt to say he was goin for free food that the company were paying for, in the hotel accross the road to thank them for workin on a sunday..he had txt a couple of msgs to sya food was great etc,.. and then the msgs stopped, so i knew in my gut he was drinkin. i treid to call him twice, no answer, so i took a sleeping tablet and went to bed, knowing it wud be alnong night..i woke up at 6.30 2 find him on th couch,in someone elses clothes, iasked him where he went and he said he was at casino... that was all we said. i went back to bed and he cam in after,intoxicated..

im just devastated..  we really only have each other over here, and i cant trust him.. he made a promise to my parents before we lft that he wouldnt do anything to marr my time in australia. that all id have is happy memorys from here. but so far, every stage of my life with him, theres always something.. i feel hes so selfish..seeing as he control wen he drinks, he chose to drink last night, knowing wat it would do to me,i kow its not al abut me.. but my husband is the kind of persn, when he wasnts somethin he gets it..and hel find away to get it or do it, whatever it is.. he can just suit himself, and get away with it.

i actaully dont know wat to do, i really dont,.. do i go home? do i stay? wat can the consequeces be?i really need advcie on this. i spoke to alanon, and they just say to look after yourself, but i need to know wat i can physically do here,please please please help me....


Answer
Stephanie,

   Thank you for your detailed explanation of your situation.  I can only suggest that you listen to the wisdom of the Alanon folks on this one.  Your history with this fellow is not a good one - he is not changing his behaviors and we know that changes must be made and they must be permanent.

  The only thing you can change in this situation is you.  If you want more of this history, then play along with him some more distance.  If you want to regain your life back, then you'll need to change yourself - move on.

  I wish I could be more gentle but it is a had thing to realize we are being challenged to make changes for ourselves as others are not going to do so for us.

  I hope this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,

Clyde