How to stay in and when to leave a relationship with an alcohol dependent partner.

Question
Hello.

Thanks for being available to answer questions.



Background/Up to date: I have been with my boyfriend for about a year. I moved in with him after 5 months. I love him very much, and we both think/feel we have a unique connection. We are in our late 20's.  



I became alerted/concerned with his use of alcohol during our second month.  We would meet up, and I would notice he was visibly intoxicated at times I thought were unusual, and when I didn't know he had been drinking. And he would continue drinking.  Over the course of the year, especially after I moved in with him, I noticed he most often minimized how much he drank, often hid his drinking, and outright lied or omitted information related to his drinking. He is not aggressive or physically, emotionally abusive. Maybe he is manipulative. At most, it's annoying and he isn't present in a way a partner can be.

I began to notice I was uncomfortable with his drinking habits when he started lying and hiding, and passing out on the couch, or negatively affecting my sleep/life.  Even with these cues, I had a hard time recognizing it as alcohol abuse or dependency. I thought I needed to be more accepting of my partners behavior, (mostly because it didn't happen all the time.  Sometimes a couple times a month, once a week, or once a month. I thought I was being unreasonable, so did he). But as it continued, I found I was not okay, and this behavior was not what I wanted in a relationship.  I stopped wanting to go out as much.  Over the first six months I became increasingly uncomfortable drinking with him. I didn't know if when we went out he would be having two beers or seven. I learned that I never knew, but he most often suggested that we go to another bar/music venue before heading home after we had already been out and had a couple drinks. Drinking, and drinking a lot is so common in our society, it's hard to pinpoint when there is an actual issue. With my boyfriend I became increasingly anxious/depressed/stressed in a way I haven't felt with any friend or family member in relation to alcohol. After researching alcohol dependency and co-dependence, I realized I have developed number of co-dependent behaviors such as knowing exactly how much beer was in the fridge, or the level of liquor in a bottle (when we had liquor in the house), wanting to stay home rather than go out in fear of what the night could be like, etc.

I tend not to drink that much. During a year there may be one-three times I may have more than three drinks. I think that is accurate. During a given week, I may have 0-3 drinks. Most often it's 0-1. Usually red wine with a friend. There is no alcohol dependency in my immediate family, or any other significant care giver.  

His father was a severe alcoholic when he was an infant and a young child. His father had to quit for health reasons. His work life supports binge drinking and heavy alcohol use is rampant among his co-workers.



We have had many conversations over the year about drinking, trust, and the effects his drinking behavior is having on him, me and our relationship. Most of which I have initiated. The drinking patterns/habits have continued despite the problems we were experiencing.



Most recently, I broke up with him, and asked him to seek help. I told him I would be a support for him, and that I too would like to see someone. He refused at first. He didn't think there was a problem, or the problem was with what I thought about his drinking. He didn't like the idea of going to a therapist. I moved out so I could take better care of myself and focus completing my degree.  We are still in communication, and have spent some time together. I have had a hard time keeping boundaries, and taking time to heal/processing breaking up. I love him. We have shared many thoughts and dreams of sharing a life together. I will not be with him under the current circumstances. As hard as it was to leave, it would have been harder to stay. I was starting to experience stress related sicknesses. I left to have a stable place for myself.



Coming to the question.

He decided to seek a therapist as I was moving out, and we have been to one session and have more appointments scheduled. For reference, we are seeing a credentialed/experienced professional counselor who specializes in alcohol and drug addictions and who also works with couples/families.

My concern/question: He made the decision to get help/seek understanding, yet despite this, he has not been honest with me, or the therapist about the last time he drank.

I do not feel comfortable continuing with him when he is not willing to fight for himself; when he continues to lie/omit information about drinking.  I do not understand why I am still here, why I am still hoping... if not for me/us, at least for his own life and health in the long run.  I know people change/heal. I tend to have a large capacity to see people through their healing processes. I had an addiction to food for many years. I understand what it means to feel shame/guilt. I decided to get to the root of it - and it took years - but I no longer have a relationship with food, besides needing it to survive. And I now have a stronger sense of self-worth because I uncovered it and discovered it myself.  I know the demons, I know the process. It takes a long time with many battles. It does not change over night, but change can happen.



I need to know that it is okay to leave. That is my question. I know that his healing/recovery/addiction is not my responsibility. However, I feel I need, or would like to suck out ever last resource within me, look at every angle before I call it. Is that necessary? I have started resourcing myself about the "disease" of alcohol as it is often called, so I could understand the behaviors related to alcohol dependency to be better equipped to respond to them. (For example, instead of getting pissed off and shutting him off when he lies about drinking, I could accept it as apart of the disease, and move on. I would like to understand and be strong enough to - within a relationship with him- manage my life, hold boundaries, and have the capacity to be a support to him if he is willing to go through recovery. BUT, currently,  he is not honest about his usage/his is not willing.

I want and feel I deserve a healthy, mutually trusting relationship where myself and my partner function at our highest intellectual, emotional, spiritual capacities with each other and in our personal lives. When I think about the last year and all the wonderful things we have experienced together-there is rarely a moment where I did not feel some sort of distrust, stress, anxiety, and I admit that the reality is that it really wasn't all that great of a year. I only recently started recognizing behaviors related to alcohol dependency, such as, insecure attachment. I do not know enough about it, or other behaviors to comment much, but as a fairly independent/autonomous individual, I have been uncomfortable with clingy behavior. But I have adapted and altered myself for us to fit better together. Ug! Writing this has brought so much more up!



Is there a black and white answer to staying or leaving? Is it an individual choice based on the relationship and circumstances to leave or stay? Is there a best method?

I have already moved out.  We do not have the same contact as we did. But there is hope on both our parts, mostly his, because I'm skeptical, that we will be able to get back together and share a life together.



I think that if a life has become unstable/unhealthy/stressed because of the relationship circumstances it is okay to leave. Like any friendship/relationship, if there are unhealthy dynamics, I either communicate about it, steer clear, and/or disengage.  However, I keep finding new capacities within myself to work with him through understanding the addiction more.



This has been so frustrating. I knew from very early on there were signs/red flags. Not having any experience with addiction, I didn't fully understand what it would look like for me and a relationship in the long run. Intuitively though, I knew.



I have written a lot more than I was planning on writing. Thank you for listening. I think I know the answers to my questions, but I know people stay. I just don't know what their life is like. If the stress continues, if the relationship is what it could be, if they are who they could be, or if they are living to their fullest regardless of their partner's life. Maybe I need to think more about it not being my responsibility. I am willing to help him as much as he is willing to help himself. If he is not willing, than there is nothing more I can do.



Thanks for your time- D


Answer

Beverley Glazer MA. IC

Hi Danielle,



I understand the turmoil that you're going through -- particularly when you know that your boyfriend needs you. But you've answered all your own questions. It's just difficult not to feel guilty about leaving. Alcoholics usually get involved in codependent relationships. They say the right things to their partners to keep them, but will manipulate the situation and do what they like.



Here's more information: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/codependency_relationship.html



There are also books on codpendency that can help you.



You've done the most that you can do for him. He's gotten the right type of counselor, he can go to AA meetings and get a sponsor etc., but if he's lying, he's not serious about making changes. He's saying he 'wants' to change but saying it is not enough.



Although he may be a great guy, unless he's serious about making the relationship work, the situation can only get worse. And right now, his first relationship is with the bottle.



You have to focus on yourself and going back to school is a terrific idea. Living with an alcoholic deminishes self esteem and you're much too young to go through that. Don't try to understand his addiction, or feel sorry for him. He's not a victim and there are many resources for him to get help.



It's not necessary to be in this difficult relationship. You have your whole life ahead of you. It's not easy, but I suggest that you move on.



I hope this information is helpful,

Thank you for asking AllExperts



Lots of luck!!



Bev

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com