Heartbroken

Question


"Hi, I recently separated from my alcoholic husband and I am having a really hard time dealing with it. It seems as if he doesn't even care about the separation in the least, from me and also from our daughter. His drinking has gotten a lot worse over the years and I think we both reached a point where we both knew it wasn't going to work anymore. I have not seen any pain or sadness coming from him at all! He treats me as if I was the one causing the problems in our marriage and he is glad to finally get away from me. I told him that he will not be able to have any contact with our daughter while he continues to drink and he never even put up a fight! He was sober for about 8 months a little while ago but he relapsed and now he is worse than ever. If I try and talk to him now either over the phone or face to face, he refuses to. I just so heartbroken over all of this. I can't understand why he treats me like he hates, why he doesn't show any remorse and why doesn't he try to get well for the sake of losing his daughter! Can you please help me to make sense out of all of this? "


Answer
Karen,

  Thank you for your message and for the questions.  I can feel and hear your pain in all this that is happening to you and your family.  Know that I have been there and done that and it is not pleasant and it is all so very confusing.  We, as the sober people looking into the destruction of the alcoholic, simply cannot understand why the alcoholic doesn't just snap out of it and start to live a normal rational life.  It is just sad and hurtful.



   So, I know your pain.  Let me offer some things about the active alcoholic that may help put this in perspective for you.  Once the alcoholic truly begins to drink alcoholically they no longer have the capacity to stop on their own.  I believe it is next to impossible save a miracle from God. Alcoholic thinking has been going on for a long time in the active alcoholic and they have been duped into thinking that drinking is a solution to all their problems.  he probably drinks for just about any occasion and at the drop of a hat.  There doesn't need to be a reason - he just drinks.  Alcohol has taken over his life and he believes it to truly be his only friend. That is why he can appear to have zero interest in you or his daughter. He loves alcohol more than anything in the world.  He would be lost without it to comfort him in all that he finds it doing for him.  I can only imagine what he has in his soul and in his past that has caused him to drink.  You cannot know all that may be there.  Unless he hits a "bottom" and surrenders to alcoholism and gets help he will never be able to know for himself.



   Alcohol truly takes over the life of the individual and you no longer recognize him for who he used to be.  Rest assured that the old person you loved way back when is there but just covered up under a false personality.  And the shame of it all is he does not know any of this is happening - not really.



    Keep sharing your pain and anguish over all this with trusted individuals who will just listen to you.  They can not fix this situation but they can let you simply share the pain.  I would suggest that you give Alanon a try. There you would find women who have been where you are right now and who have come out from under the cloud and confusion into life once again.  I hope you will seriously give this some thought.



    I hope that this may have helped give you some perspective from the alcoholic's side and write again if I may be of any further help.



Grace and Peace,

Clyde