Guilt

Question
When you have an addiction and your trying to quit... guilt can really tear you down and could mean relapse even if you do quit. My problem is that I have done a lot of things to cause my family and friends much grief. Now that I am trying to stay sober, I have said I'm sorry and they have forgiven me... but I still feel loaded with the guilt of what I did and what it did to them. My children for example, they've seen me in ways I would have never wanted them to see me if I was in control of myself. They've never been physically harmed by me or my actions but the experience of seeing me that way... I hate to think of what that has done to them or will in the future. How can I overcome this massive guilt?


Answer
Hi Cathy,



The first thing I want to say is I congratulate you on finally achieving a recovery from substance abuse.  I urge you to keep up all your efforts at sobriety so you can continue to be present for your family and friends.  No doubt, they like this "new you" and will appreciate it even more as time goes on.



Guilt is a tough emotion.  It is also a necessary one, because without it, we would not know how to guide our actions.  It helps us be human, and sensitive to how we impact others.



One thing you must realize is that addictive behaviors always bring consequences for the self and others.  There's no escaping that.  Also we can't escape the fact that a certain number of individuals  - maybe 1 out of 10 - develop addictive disorders. We don't know exactly why this is, but it certainly isn't because someone is "defective" in some way.



My point here is that you are like many others who have to face the same dilemma: how to face family and friends when, in sobriety, you now have the clearheadedness to realize how much stress and hardship your use may have caused.  But keep in mind that family and friends are eager to move on, and so will support you in your recovery.  You don't have to "manifest" guilt to make it clear to them you are concerned for them.   



What is important is what you do today -- now.  We can't repair or change the past, so guilt does not serve any purpose but to hold us down and steal from the richness of our lives with others.  You did not commit any crime being an addict.  You were suffering from a disorder that troubles many millions of individuals, most of whom are are good, caring, thoughtful, and sensitive people.  Everyday I look in the eyes of my clients and see these traits.



It may help to get a therapist to help you move past the guilt, and focus more on the rewards you are now bringing to your family and friends.  



You will succeed in this if you put the effort in!  And keep up the sober lifestyle.  It will get better as time goes on.



Regards,

Peter