Friend who is an alcoholic and abusive

Question
Hi, I have a friend of 12 years who is married to an alcoholic.  Most of these years I have listened to her heartbreak.  I have taken her to doctors for treatment/depression.  I have picked her up and taken her to fun activities when she needed to get out.  Offered to take her to Al Alon, looked up meetings, showed up to take her only to have her breakdown and refuse to go.  Given advice (she believes it is okay for husband to drink beer and wine, just not hard liquor).  Told her that it just isn't true, he cannot drink period.  My husband has told him the same.  Throughout the years we started to do things as couples.  My husband became a pretty good friend to this man.  I started noticing every time this man was around me he would poke at me, make snide remarks.  Instead of saying anything, I ignored it.  I noticed more and more my guard was up around him.  Then he started texting and e-mailing strange things to my husband.   My husband asked him about it and the matter was resolved.  I really started to get  worried.  Well, about 10 months ago he started texting and e-mail very odd abusive messages again.  Accused my husband of ripping him off (not true), accused him of being a rotten person, told him to f*** off.  Just terrible things.  My husband tried to get to the bottom of it, this guy just answered with more abusive texts and e-mails.  I spoke to the wife and initially she believed me and was heartbroken.  She has since stated that my husband was partially to blame.  Her and I tried to repair our friendship. My husband backed away and discontinued any contact.  A few months passed and we had friends call us saying this man sought them out and totally trashed my husband.  He also told them my husband called them names etc.  This initially was a little embarrassing.  We were, however, able to repair those relationships.   We had not discussed this problem with anyone, we were trying to be compassionate.  At that point I pulled away.  This time we did not try to approach this couple.  We just pulled away.  Well he is still e-mailing and texting my husband.  These messages alternate between being apologetic to raging to just plain stupid ie., I know your wife saw us the other day and she didn't wave.  I was not even in town, so I did not see them.  It has been months, we have not engaged with him/them and he will not back off.  I am starting to become afraid of what will happen next.  Will this escalate?  We live in the same community, we haven't talked about them, but, I know we are being trashed.  It is embarrassing.  What should we do?


Answer
Hi Mary,



Hmmm...I can understand how this situation can be worrisome for you and your husband.



First about this alcohol dependent spouse of your friend: He is obviously progressing in his dependency, and bizarre actions like those you are witnessing are not unusual.  Substance abusers can engage in very problematic behaviors on so many different levels and in so many areas: family, social relationships, employment, finances, etc.  In addition, chronic alcoholism impacts the brain significantly and leads to a number of organic disorders.  This can manifest in impaired judgment, among other ways.



About this fellow's spouse, your friend: She is terrified by what she sees, is acting co-dependently, and ultimately will probably not be able to effect change in her husband's aberrant behaviors.



I would offer that this addicted individual is going to reach a crisis soon, but his hitting the wall, as it were, may be buffered or delayed by his wife's codependency.  



I would remain supportive of your friend, to the extent that you can communicate with her discretely and not inflame the paranoia of her husband.  She may not be able to acknowledge her co-dependency, so may not feel she is doing anything other than trying to be a concerned spouse.



I would guess others who witness or learn about the situation will recognize what's happening, and not feel you and your husband are the offending parties.  



If the situation escalates, I would have frank conversation with your friend about the harassment.  If there are continuing problems, I would consider legal action to protect yourselves and put it to an end.



Best wishes,

Peter