Family and recovery

Question
I have been alcohol free for 290 days. Never thoughtI could. My husband and 2 children are very supportive and encouraging.  They have been with me every step of the way. (Thank you God!) Per advice, from my treatment center I have stayed away from events where alcohol was to be served. (advised at least 1 year) The only exception to this rule is family gatherings.  I was okay until Thanksgiving. At that occasion I realized the pain I was still in.(on who I had become).  My husband,in love, asked his family if we could make our Christmas eve get together alcohol free. They said they would have to think about it.  We have gotten together with our kids for 20 years on this day. A family tradition.  They answer came back NO.  I thought I had a close relationship with them all, and that they would understand.  My husband and children are very upset by the lack of compassion and support. It has been and would have been the only time this request was asked of them.  It has turned into a sad hurtful event. It was said this was my problem.  I agree, but the way in which it has turned out is very painful.  We checked with our counselor and he said it would be okay to ask and that my husband should since it was his family.  We did this as suggested. I am afraid this has caused a big riff between us all. Please if you have any suggestions or thoughts I would appreciate it.  Thank you, Amy


Answer
Hello to you--



I appreciate your question - you remind me of me when I was newly sober.



Rather than being upset at you not getting the answer you wanted, I suggest that you might focus on how you were able to ask and that you received an honest answer. The number of people who are sober versus the number of people who drink is relatively small.



Short response to you sweetie's family: I am sorry if my request made you uncomfortable.



When most newly sober people make amends they make a mistake in talking about how bad they feel. The best way to make amends is to think about how your behavior might have caused harm and ask two questions: what do you need from me, what do you need to hear from me.....then remain quiet and do what is asked, etc. When we talk about how bad we feel when we're making amends we essentially project all of our stuff on the person who is receiving the amend. Make sense?



Expectations are a mother, especially when you are newly sober. I sense it is important to remember that perhaps their response could have nothing to do with you. Perhaps by allowing you not to drink they are reminded that they have a problem with alcohol.



Many years ago I asked a mentor of mine to critique my resume...her response wasn't flattering and while the changes were minimal, it hurt my feelings....I was finally given feedback that I asked,,,,,,,my mentor trusted me enough to tell me the truth....



a few things to remember:



life is what happens after you make plans

sobriety is a skill

people drink to change the way they feel

recovery looks different for everybody.





You are newly sober..unfortunately, you need to earn the right to ask for what you want in terms of an alcohol free gathering. People don't know you as a sober person for that long...you don't really know if your behavior caused any hard feelings on your sweeties family or if your request made them feel put out yet again.... it's really important to take what is said at face value.





You're sober today..one of the hardest things you will ever do...



Be proud...you must be doing something right.....not everyone gets to reach 290 days of sobriety....

I don't have a 12-step approach but I have come to understand that one of the promises is about being able to talk about how you feel...looks like this has come true for you.





You are always welcome to write back and let me know how it works out.



I wish you much love and luck for 2010



Todd