don't now what to do!?

Question
hi. my children are 21 mths old, we do not live with their father, we live with my boyfriend, who is the best man in the world. my kids father is a drunk who only torments me and trys to make my life miserable. when he gets to see them the kids go to their grandparents house where there is no rules and any thing goes. when they come home they are a mess, tired they no longer know the word no and so on. Their dad has two other kids with someone else they are 17 and 20. He really isn't a good dad well when its convient he is. His parents are in denial about the extent of his problem and only enable him did i mention he is 37 years old? i guess where i am going with this is i know that he is not going to change but i worry about the toll this will take on my kids. do i continue to let  him see them even though he doesn't look after them. they are still young so i guess I'm feeling pressure to come up with a decision ASAP. i know that things will only get worse and the kids will be the ones who will be affected by this. do i continue or do i nip in the butt what i only see to be disastrous to my children. please help.


Answer
Hi Jill



You are clearly in a very difficult situation and I empathise with you.



I am not in a position to comment on any legal issues regarding the custody of your children, but to my knowledge, unless there has been a court order taken out against your ex partner he is entitled to see his children as are his parents. It is very common for family members, especially parents, to be in denial about someone's abusive drinking but it is unlikely that you are going to change that.



Most families have different rules and boundaries where children are concerned and depending on the relationship you have with the grandparents it may be difficult to change that. If alcohol is involved and you feel that your children are at risk then of course you would need to take action with the appropriate authorities.



As long as your children are safe with the other family, I suggest that you focus on maintaining a loving and safe environment for your children when they are with you and where you have clear rules and boundaries. Children are surprisingly resilient and if you bring them up to understand reasonable discipline and stick to any consequences if the boundaries are broken, they will most likely respond accordingly.



Whilst alcohol is clearly involved, it seems to me that your issue is related more to parenting, separation and the safety of your children. I suggest you talk to your GP or another professional such as a social worker who can help you see the way.



I wish you well.





Kind regards



Di