Dating someone in AA

Question
I just read a question quite similar to mine regarding dating a man currently in AA.  I had been with my boyfriend for 6 months, in which he had several relapses (both with alcohol and  Xanax.)  He had continued to be active in AA throughout his times of relapse - although not always honest with his sponsor.  He had not told his sponsor about our relationship.  Recently, we had come to realize we were in a serious relationship.  When he finally did tell his sponsor, his sponsor told him either to end the relationship or find a new sponsor.  My boyfriend chose to end our relationship, telling me he did love me, but he needed to do things his sponsor's way.  I am devastated, to say the least, however I understand his sobriety is his top focus.  I have been participating in Al-Anon (both before we broke up and I have continued in the program) which is helping, but I am having difficulty accepting the end of our relationship.  I have asked my boyfriend if I could speak to his sponsor and his sponsor has refused to speak with me.  Putting my boyfriend's sobriety has always been our first priority and I feel as if I am being punished for him being honest with his sponsor.  My boyfriend has said once he works a couple steps, maybe could get back together.  Al-Anon has taught me to put myself first, so I know that I can't go on expecting to get back with my ex - it won't help me with my recovery.  Is there anything I can say or do to help change my ex's or his sponsor's ideas?  Or should I give it up and move on with my life?


Answer
Courtney,

    Thank you for your question and for the details.  It is a sad fact, but often times a sponsor will overstep the boundaries with the personal life of a sponsee.  I have seen it happen way too many times.  It is my opinion that we, as sponsors, can suggest to sponsees but we are never, NEVER, to tell them what to do.  So, let me assure you that as a 15+ years veteran of the AA recovery program this should not have happened.  This sponsor has further violated a very crucial aspect of AA and that is that we never refuse to lend the hand of AA to anyone.  To tell a sponsee to get a new sponsor for this reason is abusive of the sponsor/sponsee relationship.  Your friend needs to change sponsors rather than be manipulated.  It is what we call "triangling" - this sponsor is concerned about you and your relationship with his sponsee but relationships are between two people.  The sponsor is meddling in the life of another person who seeks to be in relationship with someone else (you).



    That being said, let me also suggest to you that this young man with whom you have been in relationship is demonstrating an abusive passive-aggressive attitude.  He either wants to be in relationship with you honestly and openly or he does not.  When he tells you that he must work some steps and then maybe he can come back to the relationship he is demonstrating his immaturity, both in the program, but more importantly,  in his own emotions.  This is good in one way because you are not being led on, so to speak, but of course, hurtful to you as you feel the sting of loss.



    You will not know his inventory which he is evidently afraid to face for himself and it may be something that he will never be able to face much less share with you.  I suspect that there is some sexual nature to the step 4 inventory he is afraid to come clean about.



    I am so glad to see that you are finding recovery to be fulfilling to yourself and your own personal growth.  Too many times, people in relationship with alcoholics will become disillusioned with recovery when the other struggles in their own program and then all is lost for all involved.  Stick with the program and continue to learn about yourself.  Yes, it will hurt to finally decide to let this relationship go and move on but I would suggest that this would be a better course.  If you two are meant to be together, then God will make that happen but in the meantime I would not want to waste my time on someone who says they can not love me enough to be honest for today and always.



    I hope this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.



Grace and Peace,

Clyde