Confused!

Question
Hi Di, well here goes, I have been in this relationship for nine years now, and married six. We have three children one boy 6yrs and two girls 7yrs and 9 yrs. He has always been a drinker but what i would call a functional one , he manages his buisness (he is self employed) but has never managed his stress,and with that comes the drink, or the excuse to drink. His father was a heavy drinker and so to are his siblings. My trouble is that when he is sober and not hungover he is lovely,he has a good heart and loves us dearly, but is that enough? i don't know what to do anymore. Its like living with Dr Jeycall an Mr Hyde. When we are with his family and friends things are ok ish as they all know what he is like and kind of accept it(to a degree kind of ish), but with my family and friends its a different matter , he gets drunk rants and raves won't really listen to anyone, he has managed to alienate me from all those i love and care about, i dread going out as it usually ends up with him in a row . He also drinks on his own at home, he comes in from work goes straight up to the study and will drink at least one bottle of red wine often followed with beers, it dosen't sound much but he doesn't eat much ,usually a sandwich during the day then dinner late b 4 passing out .We have been to councelors in the past, and he even managed one session of AA but that only solidified in his head that there was no need for concern as everyone he met  were much heavier drinkers than him and he never  drinks in the morning, although thats probably because he tends to sleep a very long time, then never has the energy to wan't to do much and tends to be very quiet and withdrawn ,its one extreem to the other, i'm tired and more than anything i am worried about the effect of his behaviour  on the children , The lack of respect he has for others more  over the lack of respect  he has for himself is frightening, and i don't ever ever wan't them to think this is acceptable. Unfortunatley i am financially dependant upon him as i am at university re training and don't have my own money. I have been in this position so many times before saying the same things over and over, i have cried all my tears, i am numb, and hurt and pretty scared about the prospects, i don't want to fail my family, or cause any hurt and i know that is what will happen, and why in the past i have plasterd over the cracks this is when drink gets put away but always slowly creeps back. What is a wife/mummy to do i just don't know any more.


Answer
Hi Helen



I feel for you in this difficult situation and the Jekyll and Hyde behaviour that you have described is very common with people who are alcohol dependent. It is difficult to understand how someone that you love and know to be a good and kind person can change into such a selfish, devious and nasty person after the abusive drinking of alcohol. It doesn?t make him a ?bad? person but alcohol is a mind-altering substance and when consumed in excess causes behavioral and personality changes.



Alcoholics have many different drinking patterns and whilst some start to drink as soon as they get up in the morning, others don't drink until they get home, having managed to function surprisingly well through the day hiding their habit from those around them. "Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors" and while people on the outside may see your husband as the good Dr Jekyll you and your children are seeing the other side of him and taking the brunt of his abusive and unacceptable behavior.



The excuse that AA isn't for him because he's different and not as bad as the other people there, is typical of someone who is in denial and the fact that other members of his family, also heavy drinkers, play along with him adds weight to his argument that he doesn?t have a problem.



Alcoholism is a powerful and complex disease and the affected person will do anything to maintain his habit. The excuses, the lies, the denial and the defensiveness are all part of his survival. Clearly your husband needs to get help but until he accepts that he?s got a problem nothing is likely to change.



You say that when you are with his family things are ?ok ish? and things have got so bad with your friends and family that you have become alienated from them. Is that what you want for you and your children? An ?ok ish? marriage and poor family relationships?



It?s time to confront him with your concerns and the truth of how you are really feeling. I understand that you are feeling powerless because you are financially dependent on your husband and fearful of what the future may hold but unless you take steps to address this, things will only get worse. Clearly things haven?t got bad enough for him yet and he?s not ready to make changes so the only person who can change is you.



You need to work out what you want for you and your children and you need to set boundaries with clear consequences of what will happen if these are broken. I know this won?t be easy for you, but as long as you continue to suffer in silence and continue to prop him up nothing will change and things will get worse.



I strongly recommend that you go to an Al-Anon meeting where you will get support from others in similar situations when making difficult choices and also look at reuniting with members of your own family who will give you love and understanding.



It is not surprising that while you continue to allow yourself to put up with your husband?s alcoholic behavior and abuse that your family have abandoned you. Once they see that you are working on improving things for you and your children they will most likely be there to back you up.  Don?t get into the ?Blame Game?, focus on what changes YOU are going to make and stick to them.



You need to pick a time when your partner is sober and be clear, honest and direct in what you have to say.  And whatever you do, do NOT try to broach the subject while he is drinking. He will most likely deny that he has a problem, use excuses for his drinking and even try to blame you.



What are his responsibilities? What you are doing for your husband that he needs to be doing for himself. YOU can?t change him, he has to do that for himself and he will only do that when he?s ready but as long as you cover up for him and protect him things will only get worse. You will deteriorate emotionally, psychologically and eventually physically. You need to be strong, not just for yourself but also for your children.



Al-Anon and the love of your family will give you the best support.



I wish you well



Di



You will find where the Al-Anon meetings are for your area on the Internet.