concern for my wife

Question
Hi - My wife grew up in an alcoholic family her entire childhood. Her father was incredibly abusive, then became semi absent into her teen years (he passed away 3 years ago from liver damage) Her Mom is in her 60's and is a serious alcoholic as well (drinks early/often/always and passes out daily around 5 PM.) My main concern is that my wife still can't confront her Mom and her Mom's drinking (after years of never confronting her dad!) She has little problem telling her work associates, our kids, my relatives or anyone else that her Mom is a raging alcoholic, but when it comes to talking with her Mom she can't bring herself to do it. Last week her Mom fell down the stairs for about the 10th time and cracked her head open, called 911 annd spent 2 days in the hospital. The conversation between my wife and her Mom concerning this fall never mentioned alcohol. Her mom has called our house and threatened suicide a few dozen times (the first time on our honeymoon), yet the next day they just seem to laugh it off somehow. This fear of confrontation spills over into our everyday life. She always has to be two different people depending who she's around. Everything I have read or heard concerning adult children of alcoholics relates directly to my wife. I just thought my wife would somehow grow-up or out of this behavior. She has a terribly shallow relationship with her Mom and my wife has no close friends. Her brother is an alcoholic/substance abuse person himself, so she really has no one on the inside to talk with. I know that my wife is having serious problems dealing with this as it pertains to the rest of her life. After her dad died it took her about 2 years before she really started getting mad and getting some of her feelings out. Before that she had acted like he was a saint of some kind. She is a really good stuffer and incredibly tightly wound. I don't think she has any room left to keep jamming her feelings inward. My wife is not an alcoholic but will drink on occasion. She is a super overachiever and limits her emotional exposure/contact with everyone. The overall situation is a bit deeper and more complex than I may be making it sound as it relates to physical/mental/and possible sexual abuse growing up. I appreciate your guidance with this and hope this is not to trivial for your attention.  


Answer
Dear Joe



I can appreciate your desire for your wife to be happy and well adjusted, but sometimes it is a slow process. Both of my parents were heavy drinkers and I am slowly healing these problems after 50+ years. I think you don't give yourself enough credit when you say that your wife has no close friends and has no one on the inside to talk with. The only thing you can do is tell her the truth and be there for her. The "white elephant" syndrome is pretty well documented in dysfunctional families. She was that way when you fell in love and married her, so it will take some time for her to process all the hurt and pain. Definitely do not push! I can recommend my two books, "How Big is Your But" and "What is Love" as healing tools. You can order them from my website, www.divinelightmaster.com. Good luck.