characterics exhibited in an alcoholic

Question
My husband of 2 years is a recovering alcoholic with 22 years of continuing sobriety.  We have experienced some pretty rough "patches" here of late and actually have been going to counseling sessions over the past year.  My husband has a lot of anger issues and will lash out pretty much at anyone "available" but moreso me because we have a relationship and are together most often.  This behavior happens so frequently that many times I avoid or try to prevent a situation that might anger him, or I just back off hoping whatever the situation is will "go away".  These situations can be aggravation while driving in traffic, having to wait for something or someone, a barking dog...there is a long list.  My tendency to "shut-down" makes the situation worse, but it can escalate just as quickly if I interact.  Don't get me wrong, I make mistakes and there have been legitimate disagreements, but the situations I refer to, I have no participation in the cause, but the resulting anger is directed to me or even the next person he comes in contact with. He has to feel like he's control (his words).  One of the biggest issues currently is that when he calms down and apologizes for his behavior, he will tell me that his actions were uncalled for, and then  insists that I apologize for "my part" as well.  He can't tell me what for, just that it's never fully the fault of only one of the parties.  When we were with our counselor this morning, she questioned him on his thinking and he insists that it is a precept taught and learned through the AA program.  He believes that healing cannot happen if both people don't accept responsibility, no matter what the situation, both parties are at fault.  I do not understand this concept.  Is this the way that the "step" is interpreted?  When my husband walks in the door, and is angry because someone tailgated him, and then proceeds to be obnoxious in his actions or words, directing it toward me or one of the dogs or maybe the next person on the phone, why would he feel I need to accept partial  responsibility?  At times he does calm down rather quickly and tell me that he shouldn't have responded in the manner that he did.  Most often, when this anger happens with him, and I don't respond or feed into his mood, he will make little comments or "jab", could be about anything, until I either tell him what I think of his behavior or I cry.......either fuels the fire.  It's the occasions when his anger lingers that he wants me to say that I am partially to blame.  I have asked him to speak with a another doctor or therapist, on his own if he wishes, to concentrate and discuss  his lack of control over his anger--and he refuses.  Says that's just the way he is. Are these issues part of the alcoholism?  Can you give me some suggestions on how to respond and prevent so many flareups?  These feelings and reactions that he has have got to be uncomfortable for him.  Thanks for your help -- I am sorry this turned out to be so drawn out.


Answer
Lisa,

   Thank you for the questions and for the lengthy explanation.  These kind of questions are always better answered with as much detail as possible.



    He is absolutely wrong in his interpretation of the program meaning both are always wrong and both should apologize in every situation.  Absolutely wrong.  You are never at fault when someone else is upset about something not involving you.  Hear me loud and clear on that.  I hope your counselor is saying this to you loud and clear as well.  If they are not, they may be afraid of his reaction and you need to find another counselor for you alone.



    What he may have heard is that everyone is sick to a degree and everyone would benefit from working a program.  It is simply truth that none of us are free of mental and emotional issues.  Most people will never address them because we humans have developed sufficient coping skills to suppress things we do not wish to look into.  It can be a frightening proposition.



    These issues of his are not associated with alcoholism - alcohol did not cause these; alcohol was the mechanism he used to suppress them and now alcohol is gone and no longer an option.  He has had a long long dry drunk because he has never successfully dealt with the reasons for his drinking - anger.  



    He will need to do some serious personal psychological work to uncover these and he may never have the capacity to do that.  Like I said, it is a very dangerous undertaking and takes a very skilled therapist and perhaps years to accomplish.  I wish I could tell you there is a magic pill to take but there is not.



    I do not have much in the way of suggestions for you except you might begin to read up on anger and the damage it causes.  There are many good books on this.  Perhaps by your reading and educating yourself he may one day look to you for advice but don't expect it.  It may be the thing that will give you some comfort knowing that he is ill and it has nothing to do with you.  You are not the problem.



    If you have not explored Alanon, I would suggest going to some meetings and getting some friendships started there.  Women in that program will understand and help you by being a listening ear and offering you experience for how they handled their situations similar to yours.  He does not need to be actively drinking for you to be welcomed in Alanon.  Maybe it will prompt him to get to AA and get serious about working the steps again (assuming he ever worked them in the beginning).



    It will also give you a chance to ask yourself do you want to put up with the unhealthy behavior.  You have every right to say no to that abuse and you have very right to make some decisions on your own for your future.  Sure it will anger him but you must realize he has power over you right now - he has convinced you that you must repent for his outbursts.  Nonsense.



    I must be honest with you.  This could escalate to some dangerous levels as you begin to take back your power.  Be cautious with how you respond to him until you have strength to stand up to him.  Do not be afraid to seek help from professionals and police for your safety.



    He may never be able to deal with the underlying issues from his childhood.  Perhaps he is not supposed to do so.  We don't know.  Only God knows those things.



    I hope this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.



Grace and Peace,

Clyde