Boyfriend drinks 56 nights a week

Question
Hi Robyn,

You don't even understand how happy i was when i found this website this morning. Last night i cried myself to sleep because (John) my boyfriend came home drunk once again and started a huge fight with me. I woke up this morning feeling alone, sad, and almost numb to it. I am a 28 year old fairly pretty girl, i think:) I have been in 2 or 3 pretty serious relationships in the past but just never found myself "in love" with the guy. I started dating John almost two years ago and i finally fell in love. He was so easy to be with, so confident, so just for me. Things were great for the first year! We went on vacations and spent our days together. His family (who now i am closer to then my own) took me to Disney for the first time and have since taken me to Florida twice. I love them and cannot imagine my life without them. Anyhow, right around the time we were going to celebrate our one year anniversary, i found out through a friend that he was caught cheating on me. He is a bartender and the girl is a waitress he works with and whom i considered a friend to me. He denied it for weeks then finally admitted it but saying only that they had kissed and thats it. The story goes deeper but the bottom line is i have never believed that. Like i said, he is a bartender and he LOVES to drink. He drinks at least 5 nights  a week if not six. He blamed the screw up with the other girl on the fact he was "drunk". I threw him out, he begged to come back, i let him. Now its almost one year later: he seems to be drinking more and more and now has found refuge in a little dirty bar down the road from me. He denies totally that he has any problem and says he just drinks cuz hes bored. When I call him a drunk or alcoholic he says" Alcoholics wake up drinking and go to bed drunk. I drink when im getting off work till i go to bed(basically)."I get so upset when he comes home drunk, i have even found him face down in the front yard before, and had to call 911 because he broke his nose. I know what i need to do but its so hard because the next day he tells me how much he loves me and i see the person i truly fell in love with and wanted to start a family with. I am becoming so depressed that i don't even laugh as much as i used to. He has got me in some kind of trap though that i cant seem to get out of. My family despises him and my own mother wont come to my house while he still lives here. Another reason i have a hard time making him leave is because he helps out so much with money. There have been many time i wouldn't have been able to make it to work if it weren't for him giving me gas money. I'm trying to find a second job now so i can get by on my own. I ask myself everyday, what did i do to deserve this, being yelled at for no reason, being cheated on( and he still works with this girl but claims he would never hurt me again),just simply being mentally and emotionally abused. I'm a good person with a very big heart but i am so stuck i cant find a way out. When i try and throw him out he tells me he pays " I pay the utilities , its my house too, you will never make it without me" .  Please just tell me what i need to hear, maybe hearing it from an expert at alcohol will help me more than hearing it from friends and family.. I have become someone i cant even recognize anymore...Sincerely Heather from WV..Thank You



Is he truely an alcoholic????


Answer
Please accept my apology in taking so long in answering you, I was away out of town and not near a computer.  Now to answer your question.



As I read your message all I wanted to say was go to a meeting, not AA but Alanon, they will help you like you cannot imagine.  You will find peace, hope and friendship.  Try going to a few different meetings until you find the "one" for you, the one that makes you want to go every week.



Is he an alcoholic, in my opinion and based on what you've told me yes he is.  However, if he does not recognize it there is not much you can do.  Ultimatums generally don't work with alcoholics I know this from personal experience.  All you can do is take care of yourself which is why I recommend you going to Alanon.  There is no fee to go, there are plenty of meetings depending on what area you are from.



You can't fix him, you just can't.  Even if you put all your energy into him and fixing him and his drinking problem, it won't work.  Why because he's not ready, he has to do it himself and if he's in denial it simply won't change anything.  You can fix yourself, you can get help for you and find a peace of mind like you've never known before.



I won't tell you to leave him because he's cheated on you, that's your business, but ask yourself if you are happy and if everything seems too much right now get yourself to a meeting, find a sponsor and start healing.  There's nothing to be afraid of, Alanon is a great place for people who have alcoholics in their lives, it's a great place for you.



If you have any other questions please write to me and I'll get back to you right away, I'm back in town for good.



You can do this, it's about you, not about him, find your peace of mind and the rest will fall into place.



Robyn