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Question
I have been dating my a for 2 years now. Had our ups n downs. All of our problems have been caused by alcohol. He drank a lot when we met n eventually I got dragged into it as well. Didn't take Me long 2 hit my bottom n wake up n realize this was not the life I wanted. However it is the one he wants. His drinking went from social 2 beligerant in the past few months. We went every where together since I have changed my life around he disappears 2 drink with his friends. Shows up all ours of early morning crazy staggering drunk n sum altercations have turned physical. I felt guilty for the feelings I was having. Wanting to leave him alone to drink himself into the ground. After every crazy drunk nite he cries n begs n pleads promising 2 get help. Admitting his has a problem n can not fix it on his own. But once the heat is off n weekend comes.... He is off 2 drink. Vanishes off the face of the earth. Spends all his money on it. Alwayz broke works 2 jobs don't pay rent of have any REAL bills. Neglects his daughter n his work n Me as well. He will leave church or family functions to go get smashed. He is very cunning n manipulative. Good with them words but not 1 but of action. He has started 2 read a book I purchased CUZ he says he is embarrassed 2 attend AA. Idk!! But when he is not drinking we are complete sou mates no problems in love around each other everyday n nite. I was married 4 ten years 2 a druggy Al n what do u know I found anther Al!!! I love n respect myself 2 much 2 allow myself 2 continue allowing this behavior n treatment. I ended the relationship dayz ago n told him I still love n care 4 him but I want no contact from him til he attends a program. He says he is entitled 2 have sum beers with the boys if he chooses CUZ he is not drinking hard liquor anymore. I say there is no bargaining in this matter. Alchol is alcohol regardless. I have called Al anon but idk what 2 do what 2 think or how 2 feel. He is so much better then this n has so much potential. He don't even do the things he loves to do anymore like basketball n has let go of his dreams of being wan actor n he was once a model n alcohol has taken away that too. Help!


Answer
Dawn,

   Thank you for your questions and for the lengthy information.



    You are seeing the very subtle attack of alcohol on a person's mind. It takes over all the mental faculties and there is no rational thinking to be done.  No book, in my opinion, other than the Big Book of AA will help together with mandatory attendance of meetings, getting a sponsor, working the steps, and changing one's psyche.  Unless one is willing to do this then there is little chance of having sobriety for good.  There may be other ways but I can only share my experience, strength, and hope of what I found in AA.



    Until he gets absolutely and brutally honest with himself, there is little hope.



    You have done the best thing - leave him and demand that AA is the only way.  Give him at least one year before you go back and only then if he has a sponsor he sees regularly; goes to meetings (3-4 times a week minimum); has worked the steps; and above all, has remained sober.  Then and only then can you have a rational talk with him about any possible future.



    I will say that it is my opinion that this separation is also what you need to consider for yourself with no relationships developed unless you, too, are working a program of Alanon with a sponsor and working the steps.  This thing works.



   I hope this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.



Grace and Peace,

Clyde