Behaviours in Recovery

Question
My boyfriend is a binge alcoholic.  His last binge was 7 months ago when he nearly died. This is the longest he has not drank in the 2 years I have known him. He has managed this by attending a 4 month intensive rehab programme and is now living in an alcoholic supported accommodation. At times I think he is doing great and things between us couldn't be better and then all of a sudden he will snap at me at the click of a fingers over the slightest thing. Everything is always my fault and he says such cruel things. I try to ignore what he says but it is so difficult because he is so hurtful and I end up arguing back which I know doesn't help things.  He is like a Jekyll and Hyde sober.  He attends AA meetings but has stopped the steps since he left the programme 2 months ago because he is looking for a sponsor.  I try to talk to him to ask him how he is feeling but he won't talk to me. He is still so angry at absolutely everything, especially at me but to everyone else he is lovely. I don't think he is ever honest in how he feels. I would really like to know if there is any way I can help him.  Are all these behaviours normal in recovery? Any advice on how I should react when he acts like this would be appreciated?  I have attended Al Anon meetings but have not yet found a way of dealing with his behaviours because they talk about drunken behaviour but not recovery behaviour.  Many thanks.


Answer

Beverley Glazer MA. IC

Hi Barb,



For some reason, your question only landed in the pool today, although it was submitted on the 18th -- must be some glithch in the system.



Your boyfriend is in a supportive environment and he is clean (not drinking) but not sober. In AA language, it's not enough only to stop drinking. An alcoholic also has to have sober thinking. This is the reason for following the 12 steps with a sponsor.



There is nothing you can do to help your boyfriend, other than to encourage him to find a sponsor and do the steps. This is the emotional component that is very important when you're learning to deal with the frustrations of a life without drink.



The only thing that you can do is not to enable him in any way, and to express yourself -- even if he doesn't like it.

Here is more information on enabling:



Http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html



His anger and frustration is normal, but he should be expressing these feelings to a sponsor and members in the program. This is the only  way he can appropriately work things out.  Right now, his bottled up emotions are being dumped on you. Don't be afraid to tell him how you feel.



I hope this information is helpful,

thank you for asking AllExperts,



Good luck!



Bev

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com