alcohol/marriage issues

Question
Hi, I have been married to my husband for 16years. I left him about a year ago because I no longer could put up with the way we were living our life. We do have a daughter she is 14yrs old now and my husband is a wonderful father. But he is a drinker. He drinks every single night. Started out with just a six pack but increased to a twelve pack daily. He only drinks at home and doesnt start drinking till about 7pm. He says its just to relax him because he cant sit still. Our life has been revolved around his drinking and he does not want to believe it as I tried to explain to him what its like for me. Asking him to stop has only made me a "nag" in his eyes and over the years he witheld intimacy from me and any affection that a man and a woman should share. He always rejected sex saying it was never the right time and I got tired of being rejected so the last 3years we had no sex at all. I felt like a roomate and no longer could deal with it.  He would never go to the movies or anywhere with me or our daughter if it was going to be between the time of his drinking hours. He would make up excuses that he is just not into what we wanted to do and therefore I was always alone. Alcoholism runs in his family but his family would not help me talk to him. His mother told me that he would let go of our marriage before he would stop drinking because thats what her own father did to her mother. Other then that my husband is a wonderful father and a hard worker. He just is naive and does not want to believe that its his drinking that has ruined our marriage.. He wants to tell himself that we are just different people. Is drinking that much a problem? Do you think that his libido decreased due to the alcohol? Is it normal to have these issues of marriage problems due to alcohol?


Answer
Hello Dana,





Thank you for your question.  Yes, marriage issues are a major phenomena in an alcoholic relationship.  Let me first explain to you what kind of an alcoholic your husband is and how you could help him and yourself in order to save your marriage.



Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive and lifelong disease.  It cannot be cured but can only be arrested by total abstinence.  The face of the alcoholic needs to be changed and the walls of denial must be broken down in order that alcoholics everywhere can receive proper diagnosis and treatment.



By your description, your husband is what is called a ?functional alcoholic.? Functional alcoholics often go undetected because they do not fit the image of the "typical" alcoholic.  A ?typical? alcoholic is a ?skid-row? bum, always drinks in the morning, is homeless, penniless, always getting caught up with the law, etc.  The list goes on and on. These are just a few of the stereotypes about alcoholics which are pervasive throughout society. These stereotypes increase denial and prevent many alcoholics from getting proper diagnosis and treatment. Functional alcoholics defy these stereotype and often go undetected because they do not fit the image of the "typical" alcoholic.  Functional  alcoholic is one who is able to maintain his or her outside life, such as a job, home, family, and friendships, all while drinking alcoholically.  Functional alcoholic have the same disease as the stereotypical "skid-row" alcoholic, but it manifests or progresses differently. Many are not viewed by society as being alcoholic, because they have functioned, succeeded and/or over-achieved throughout their lifetimes. These achievements often lead to an increase in personal denial as well as denial from colleagues and loved ones.  So as the years slip by, their lives and their livers deteriorate, and yet they continue to function.  This continues till they come to the stage of ?hitting bottom? where they start losing their job, their relationships become dysfunctional, have financial difficulties, some of them become homeless, or simply die a horrible alcoholic death. The point is that addictive drinking leads to underfunctioning, and underfunctioning people do not live up to their potential and in the end usually quell their dreams.



Alcohol is a major cause of impotence (erectile dysfunction).  Years of drinking does reduce the libido & this is the reason your husband is disinterested in sex. A visit to a therapist should do you both good.  



There is always hope for an alcoholic.  There are lots of treatment options but the one option where millions of alcoholics have recovered and are leading a happy, sober life is the recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous.  Try to contact the nearest group of AA and ask one of its members to come and talk to your husband.  And for you, is the Al-Anon (a part of AA for family & friends of alcoholics).  At Al-Anon meetings you will meet like minded people who have suffered the same way you have.  Here you will get an insight of how to deal with an alcoholic spouse.  



I think you should get back to him and work things out.  Explain to him what a wife wants other than just staying married.  Sex is a very important part of a relationship.  I'm sure your trip to an Al-Anon meeting and talking things over with him when he is sober, should change the whole scenario.  



I hope and pray things work out for you Dana.  Please do not hesitate to mail me back if you have any more questions or concerns.



Good bless,





Amarnath