alcoholic wife in recovery, facing divorce

Question
I have been married to my alcoholic wife for 15 years. She is in recovery working the 12 steps of AA with just over 3 months sobriety. She is a binge drinker who had periods of sobriety ranging from a a week to up to 2 years. Her drinking has resulted in multiple DUI's, accidents, and infidelities. Even with the hurt her behaviors have caused me, I love this woman dearly. She has been going to meetings daily for the last 3 months and I have been attending al-anon twice a week. We are both working the programs and beginning to heal ourselves. I have been praying a long time for her to get and stay sober. She has made half-hearted attempts in the past, but seems so determined and focused this time, that I truly believe she can do it. The problem is that she has moved into a separate bedroom to completely focus on her recovery. She says that although she cares about me and loves me she is not 'in love' anymore. Divorce is being discussed, but she is unsure and has been told not to make any major decisions in the first year of sobriety. I know she is dealing with a lot of guilt, remorse, and resentments. I am trying to be patient and give her the time and space she is asking for, but don't know how long I can live this way when she seems so pessimistic about our marriage.  Is this typical for a recovering alcoholic? Is a change of heart possible? I want to do anything to save our marriage, but don't want to be naive either. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


Answer
Jon,



I know that the changes recovery often

brings can be upsetting as well as

life changing.



The problems that recovery brings

are confusing. Emotions are in turmoil,

thoughts are mixed and recovering

alcoholics have to deal with the

clarity of being sober.

The guilt can be overwhelming

as well as the fear of drinking

again.

Newly recovering persons are experiencing

life without the buffer of alcohol.

They often have a very underdeveloped

emotional condition. They feel things

much more acutely in this state.

This can make them want to withdraw from

relationships and avoid the stress and

pain they feel when trying to interact

in a close relationship where the

other person is often making demands

of them. At meetings they get

more support and less expectations

placed on them.



An relationship is hard even for

emotionally healthy persons

that can handle added stress.



A person early in recovery does not

have the strength to give much to

anyone no matter how much they may

owe it due to previous failings

due to drinking.



If you feel she should be giving more

time to you or whatever she will

only draw futher away as she will

sense your need. She will pull away

to protect herself from trying to give

what she does not have right now.



It is unfortunate that recovering

people often lack the ability

to provide what their mates may want

from them.



Recovery brings about alot of changes

in people and sometimes the things

that brought you together at first

may fade. This doesn't mean you are

totally incompatible and in fact

having both of you in twelve step

programs is a great place to start

anew.



I do believe her recovery should be number

one right now. That means doing

whatever will contribute to staying

sober. There is no chance of relationships,

marriage or sometimes even life without sobriety.



There is no telling how she will feel

over time. Perhaps she just needs to

re-evaluate her life and marriage.

Sometimes being apart can be a good thing

as it gives you both time to become

whole without the other.



I hope she is careful in making any

major changes as this can add stress

which she is likely not able to

handle very well as yet.



You may be able to help by trying to

talk about what is positive in your

life together. Maybe you are both

looking too much at the past

and future and wasting the present

moments. There is so much to think

negatively about anyway.

Make a list of all your negative thoughts

through the day and maybe she could join you in doing this

with her negative thoughts.

Sit down and think about what is really

negative on the lists and what is imagined.

Maybe your worries are about the future

and not today. Live each day as a blessing.



Luck to you both!



















































































































































I believe the committment to recovery

is very important for both you and

your wife.



To have any meaningful future relationship

together or alone requires a life long

committment to self awareness and

self improvement.