Alcoholic husband

Question
Clyde,

My husband told me this week that he new that he had a "problem" with alcohol but he was going to do recovery his way. He will not enter a program and he will not go to AA. I told him that in order for me to stay married to him that he had to enter a formal treatment program. He said that if I made him do that he would hate me. He said that he was stepping down his drinking and he needed his family to help him get sober. When he is cutting down on his drinking can he be dellusional? Last night listening to him talk he sounds not grounded in reality, he talks anout God showing him the way through a vision of a door and he had us listen to CD that he is convinced that God has told him that these CD's are the way to his recovery. I am a christian and I defintely believe in God and that he does talk to us and counsel us. The way that my husband talks lately about God is not normal. He keeps telling me that I don't understand that he is on an enlightened path. My children and I are getting treatment and have realized that our situation is not healhty and he is mad about that and calling counselors paid friends and Al-Anon a cult that brainwashes. I pray and listen for God's guidance and believe that I need to take our children and leave. This situation has damaged us enough and I am on the only stable parent right now and I feel that our children our counting on me to make the right decision. Our children do not want us to seperate and I know that this will damage them to and I am angry at my husband because this is not a choice that I should have to make. Marriage should be about love, honor, proctecting and loving each other and I feel guilty like I am not supporting him when I leave. I don't want to support an addiction but I want to be there for him if he enters treatment but not until he does that. From your prepective as a man of God and a recovered alcoholic what do you think is happening and do you think I am going about this the right way?


Answer
Pam,

   Thank you for your questions and for the explanation.  This is an interesting one - a man who has found God at the center of his recovery and is listening to someone else (the CD's) and knowing that God has shown him something about his life and his enlightened path!  That is quite remarkable for an alcoholic.



   Here is my take on this - you two are caught and I believe caught in fear - you have found Alanon and counseling (two very good avenues for help and recovery) and he has found this person's CD's (also a very good way to recovery).  You fear he is on the wrong path because of what you know in your recovery - he fears you because he knows what he has found to be changing his life.  That is the crux of your situation.



   Here is my story: I always had a deep abiding faith in God or "something out there."  But I could not find anyone who spoke my language and could understand me.  That went on from an early age (maybe 10 or so) until age 37.  A friend of mine who shared his spiritual life with me gave me a series of tapes (back then CD's weren't that common).  These tapes were an absolute Godsend.  I listened to those tapes hundreds of times on my way to and from work.  So many times, in fact, that I had to make copies and wear those out as well.  He gave these to me about a year before I got sober.  But they piqued my soul and they got through to me that I was not on the path that God wanted me to be on.  I had been praying for years for God to "not let me drink today."  I would follow that request with "you are probably going to tell me I have to quit."  This was my beginning of the grief process.  I had to be willing to give up my best friend - alcohol.  The tapes helped convict me.  



   About a year later, I hit my bottom and called AA.  I have been a part of that fellowship for over 15 years and have not waned in my understanding that God got me sober - I did not do it.



   My wife did not believe in any of the spiritual things that had ever happened in my life and we had been married for some 16 years.  We were on very different paths spiritually.  If the truth be known, she divorced me because I felt called to the ministry.  Two years after she left me, I was given the vision and the clear message from God to go to seminary.  My life has not been the same.  So, yes, I do believe in visions and in God talking to me in perhaps ways most people would not find believable.  Too many to recount in this short answer.



   I thoroughly support AA and recovery programs - do not get me wrong - but it is not the only way God works in people's recovery from addictions.  Not knowing your husband, I could not say if he was delusional or not.  I have a strong hope he is not.  He will have to continue to walk down his own path with or without you and the family.  The Bible says that the road is narrow and few will find it.  Maybe he is on the road and you are not.  But, then again, maybe you are on the road and he is not.



   A long answer to your question but I would suggest that you find some quiet time to do some soul searching and really ask God for the strength the courage and the words to have a serious but intimate talk with your husband about HIS walk down this exciting and enlightening path he has been shown.  It would not be my suggestion to talk about your own path at that time.  Show him this question and answer that we have shared today and let him know other people have found his path valid.



   And of course, he will be the one who will need to be telling you the truth about all this enlightenment and he will need to be the one who quits drinking for good!



   One last tidbit:  One of the tapes the friend gave me would always played garbled and I could not make out the words. One day shortly before I was healed of the obsession to drink, that tape played and I heard the words.  The truth is, I could not tell you what those words on that tape were.  But then I don't have to know - for I am a sober man today sharing my experience, strength and hope with other people who are looking for healing.



   I hope this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.



Grace and Peace,

Clyde