Alcoholic ex boyfriend

Question
Hi, I am confused. Almost a year ago the man I loved dearly walked out of my life, after watching him smoke large amounts of marajuana, (basically he quit drinking before we got together, but switched to the weed)It was awful, he changed so much. I was devastated, and it took me a long time to realize it was for the best, he started drinking, and would call me and be really nasty, accusing me of things I didn't do.

    After a failed relationship-she drank too, 2 car crashes and having his disability cut off, he got a job, and has reached out to me. I was shocked, but am very wary. He acts in a lot of ways like he regrets his actions, I have made it clear I can not give him anything financially, I have told him if he wants to quit drinking then he needs to do it himself, I could offer moral support. My confusion is that he seems in so many ways to act like he did when we were together, but won't say what his intentions are.

    I am torn- I know he needs to get himself out of this and I feel that my feelings are still there- but also feel like he is turning to me b/c there is no one else. I wish I could say that I could just see where this goes, but I know myself and wonder if this is classic behaviour, if it is common for an alcoholic to try to cling to any comfort zone available, what can I do to protect myself? He says he is quitting and while I have seen some change I know he needs to quit completely. I don't know if I have what it takes despite my love for him, I know i can't "fix"him, any suggestions?


Answer
Hello Helen,

It is very painful to love an alcoholic. You are wise to be very cautious about opening yourself up to more pain and disappointment. I urge you to keep those defenses firmly in place and, if you decide to attempt to renew the relationship, to condition any new beginning on his first being sober and clean (no marijuana) in AA for a significant period of time (at least six months I would say). You correctly stated that you cannot "fix" him; the only person you can safeguard is you. I strongly suggest, if you decide to continue this relationship even under the conditions I suggested, that you consider attending meetings of Al-Anon, the 12 Step Program for those ina relationship with an alcoholic: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/. There you can learn how to protect yourself and not feed into the manipulations of the alcoholic. Good luck,

Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC

http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com