Alcoholic brother

Question
Peter,

2 years ago we lost my little sister at age 41 to alcohol related accident. She had been drinking heavily for years. Now, my brother who is 41 is doing the same thing. He went to rehab (30 day) and began drinking 2 days after he was out. He ended up in the ER in a coma, on a vent and the crash cart brought in. Moved to a sober living(did ok) then after 6 weeks got an apt and now he is drinking again. The way we found out this time was his 8 year old called and said I cant wake daddy up and little brother is crying. OMG I am at a loss. Is relapse this common or is he just not going to make it?


Answer
Hi Kimberly,



I'm sorry to hear about the problems you are experiencing with your brother.  It's extremely troubling to see someone suffering severe consequences due to their addictive behavior.



First, let me say relapse is very, very common in addiction recovery.  We often say recovery is not an event, but a process.  Nearly every day, I hear of someone I have treated, or am treating, who has relapsed.  



Addictions are very chronic conditions and require an extraordinary amount of effort to overcome.  Most important is for the addicted person to recognize the futility of their attempt to maintain the addictive behavior.  This may not occur when we'd like to see it, sadly.  Some of my clients don't arrive at a major point of change - where they can accept the need or more importantly recognize the value of sobriety - until they have suffered catastrophic consequences.  People will seek treatment anytime in the course of their addictive history, but if pressured by outside circumstances may not be ready to separate from their drug of choice.  As we always say, one has to be ready and willing to let the addiction go, to finally acknowledge "this isn't working."



Supporting your brother has been and is going to be valuable, even though he may not recognize it now.  It's typical for there to be a lot of resistance, denial, or minimizing of the problem.  Alcohol or drug dependent persons may act aggressively to or intolerant of others' concerns.



Educating yourself about addiction can help, as well as attending Al Anon meetings. You can get some information here:  http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/



Let him you know you care and will do everything you can to help him.  But understand there can be limits to that: you don't want to imperil your own mental health by holding very rigid expectations that he will change when you, or anyone else, has made a strong enough case. This is a very complex problem.  You may also want to seek out counseling for yourself, or enlist other family members to build a support system.



Urge him to get treatment again and stay with it longer term.  He needs much longer treatment than he's had to get and remain sober.



I hope this helps.



Regards,

Peter