Alcoholic brother threatening suicide

Question
Hello,



My name is Katrina and I am 21 years old.  I have a brother who is 26 and has been suffering alcoholism for about 5 years now.  It mostly began when his father died.  I have tried everything to help him, and I thought he hit his bottom after he rolled his car 4 times drunk, breaking his leg and 6 of his ribs.  He was required to go to jail for a few days and to do a treatment program as well as AA.  I talked to him about his experience and he said it was good except AA because it was "stupid".



My brother is generally a very kind and outgoing person, at least he was before his disease.  Shortly after he was "enlightened," he began drinking again and continues to do so from the time he wakes up until he goes to bed.



My mother is also an alcoholic, but on a lesser extent.  She is an enabler for my brother.  I have been in a sense "taking care" of my brother since his alcoholism began.  I am the closest person to him in the world, and I still haven't been able to help him.  I have tried being angry, upset, and helpful and nothing has worked.  He has attempted suicide once before and threatens it all the time.  He has told me directly, "I just want to kill myself. I want to fall asleep and never wake up."  This concerns me because his father died the same way by an overdose on oxy-contin and his grandmother overdosed on an entire bottle of sleeping pills two years ago.  I am very concerned for his life.



On another note, I am having him and my mother over for Thanksgiving next week.  I don't know what to do.  Should I tell him there is no drinking allowed at all?  Should I put him on a limit?  I do not want him to be drunk when he is here.  I just don't know what to do.  I am worried that if I tell him he can't drink here then he will not come at all.



Please help.


Answer

Beverley Glazer MA. IC

Hi Katrina,



You are in a particularly difficult situation because you seem to be the parent of both your mother and your brother.



There is very little that you can do about your mother enabling him, because she probably feels very guilty about her behavior. Of course this does not help your brother. It seems at this point, that your brother has no intention of stopping drink. He feels stuck, and he hates himself for this, but he can get help if he wants to. Unfortunately many people have to be mandated into treatment, and he might have to be one of them.



When someone threatens suicide they feel desperate, and because of the family history you're right to be concerned. It may be helpful to speak to your family doctor and see if he can be mandated into treatment or psychiatric services due to his mental and physical condition. It's also extremely important that you do not enable him in anyway. I know this is hard to do because you care for him and he's blackmailed you by the possibility of suicide, but still you must.



Here is some information that may be helpful: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html



It would also be helpful for you to go to Al-Anon meetings and speak to other members. All the members are in similar family situations and you can develop a support system of people you can call onw when it gets tough.



As for Thanksgiving: Think of what it was like last Thanksgiving. Was he drunk? Was he rude? History has a way of repeating itself.



Neither telling him not to drink nor setting a limit will be helpful because as you know he just won't come. So if you want him and there are others invited to the house, tell them that your brother has a drinking problem and he will probably not be able to stay sober.



If you believe that he will disrupt the party, tell him that although you love him and want him there, it would be too embarrassing if he gets drunk, so it's up to him. Tell him if he doesn't drink he's welcome, but if he thinks he can't do it,  you'll bring him food when the party's over.

The goal is to make the day the best it can be --given the difficult circumstances.



As hard as this is, focus on yourself Katrina and try not to put so much emotional energy on your brother. Right now, he will not stop drinking unless he's forced to change.



Keep demanding that he gets help, and tell him that you'll be there for him when he does. He knows where the meetings are so he can go to them if he chooses. He can also go to counseling or rehab. You can point him in the right direction, but unfortunately there is nothing more you can do.



Thank you for asking AllEexperts,

I hope this information is helpful,



All the best in this very difficult time



Bev

http://www.twist-your-thinking.com