Alcoholic brother threatening suicide

Question
Hello,



My name is Katrina and I am 21 years old.  I have a brother who is 26 and has been suffering alcoholism for about 5 years now.  It mostly began when his father died.  I have tried everything to help him, and I thought he hit his bottom after he rolled his car 4 times drunk, breaking his leg and 6 of his ribs.  He was required to go to jail for a few days and to do a treatment program as well as AA.  I talked to him about his experience and he said it was good except AA because it was "stupid".



My brother is generally a very kind and outgoing person, at least he was before his disease.  Shortly after he was "enlightened," he began drinking again and continues to do so from the time he wakes up until he goes to bed.



My mother is also an alcoholic, but on a lesser extent.  She is an enabler for my brother.  I have been in a sense "taking care" of my brother since his alcoholism began.  I am the closest person to him in the world, and I still haven't been able to help him.  I have tried being angry, upset, and helpful and nothing has worked.  He has attempted suicide once before and threatens it all the time.  He has told me directly, "I just want to kill myself. I want to fall asleep and never wake up."  This concerns me because his father died the same way by an overdose on oxy-contin and his grandmother overdosed on an entire bottle of sleeping pills two years ago.  I am very concerned for his life.



On another note, I am having him and my mother over for Thanksgiving next week.  I don't know what to do.  Should I tell him there is no drinking allowed at all?  Should I put him on a limit?  I do not want him to be drunk when he is here.  I just don't know what to do.  I am worried that if I tell him he can't drink here then he will not come at all.



Please help.


Answer
Katrina,

   Thank you for your questions and for the explanation of the behaviors.  In answer to the question of how you can help him, the answer is that only he can do that.  That is why you have met with such frustration in all the things you have tried.  If he wants to get and stay sober for himself then he will - otherwise, he will not and the outcome may be death at his own hands through suicide.  That is the hard and tough fact to know.



   You have indicated that he thinks AA is stupid.  Well, that is because in AA he knows he will have to finally face his drinking head on and face the reasons for his drinking.  These will undoubtedly be fears he has about all sorts of things.  Many alcoholics never wrestle with the demons in their lives and that is also a sad but true fact.  His mother is also one of those who we says is "constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest."  You see, this is a mental disease as well as a physical addiction to alcohol.



    So, you can simply pray for these people and let them live their drunken lives as best they can.  You are not responsible for them nor anything they may do - even suicide.  It will be a terrible loss you will face if he does but you will grieve it and move on through life minus a brother who could not get free of alcohol.



    As for the Thanksgiving get together, this is a time for you to decide your ground rules and establish them.  If you prefer no drinking, then say so and let them know they are welcome if they abide by the rules otherwise you hope they have a good day somewhere else. You owe them nothing.  If you will allow drinking then you are to let them come to the get together and take the consequences if they drink too much.  Deal with that then, not in your worries for today.  Many an alcoholic has been run off from a family gathering because they were drunk.



    I hope this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.



Grace and Peace,

Clyde