Alcoholic brother over for Thanksgiving

Question
Hi Druideck,



My name is Katrina and I am 21 years old.  I have a brother who is 26 and has been suffering alcoholism for about 5 years now.  It mostly began when his father died.  I have tried everything to help him, and I thought he hit his bottom after he rolled his car 4 times drunk, breaking his leg and 6 of his ribs.  He was required to go to jail for a few days and to do a treatment program as well as AA.  I talked to him about his experience and he said it was good except AA because it was "stupid".



My brother is generally a very kind and outgoing person, at least he was before his disease.  Shortly after he was "enlightened," he began drinking again and continues to do so from the time he wakes up until he goes to bed.



My mother is also an alcoholic, but on a lesser extent.  She is an enabler for my brother.  I have been in a sense "taking care" of my brother since his alcoholism began.  I am the closest person to him in the world, and I still haven't been able to help him.  I have tried being angry, upset, and helpful and nothing has worked.  He has attempted suicide once before and threatens it all the time.  He has told me directly, "I just want to kill myself. I want to fall asleep and never wake up."  This concerns me because his father died the same way by an overdose on oxy-contin and his grandmother overdosed on an entire bottle of sleeping pills two years ago.  I am very concerned for his life.



On another note, I am having him and my mother over for Thanksgiving next week.  I don't know what to do.  Should I tell him there is no drinking allowed at all?  Should I put him on a limit?  I do not want him to be drunk when he is here.  I just don't know what to do.  I am worried that if I tell him he can't drink here then he will not come at all.



Please help.


Answer
Hi Katrina,



I know it is hard to watch someone you

care about going downhill with

alcoholism. It is important that

you do not take too much responsibility

for him as this is an illness that

is not controllable and you can

not make it better or worse by what you do

or do not do for him.



If he is to recover it will be by his choice

and no one else can force him to recover.

He has not hit bottom or he would be willing

to stay in AA and pay attention to

what he calls "stupid".

I myself am proof that AA works as

I am 24 years sober with my start in AA.

Alcoholics need a program for living

that can only be developed through AA's

twelve step process. This helps them

with support and in developing

better thought patterns and

they learn how to avoid relapses back

into drinking.



I fear your brother is doomed to more

pain and suffering if he does not

wake up from his denial and his refusal

to get help. Alcoholics have

much false pride that prevents them

from being honest about how bad

things are in their life.

They like to pretend they are in control

of themselves when everybody can see that they are not.



If you tell him no drinking that sends him a positive

message saying you do not approve of his behaviour.

If you condone his drinking just to have him

present then you are saying it is okay with you

if he keeps drinking.



You are also enabling if you put up with

his drinking or approve of it in any way.

He needs to know that it is unacceptable.

The next time he rolls a car he could kill

himself or somebody elses loved ones.



There is no excuse for him to continue

with his family making any excuses for this.

Be the first to stand up and say "no more",

this is what will send him the message that

may wake him up. He will die from alcoholism

and it may not be suicide it might just

be another accident.



The only thing you can really do to stop

this illness is to stop making excuses for

him to drink. If he stops showing up

then at least he gets the message

that what he is doing is not okay anymore.

I know you want what is best for him,

so letting him drink at thanksgiving

is no reward it is just helping

and enabling him to his demise

as is any behaviour that excuses his

drinking.



Please take care of yourself first.