An alcoholic again

Question
I have been with my husband for 15 years, and we have 3 beautiful children, 13, 3,& 18 mos.  He has been in and out of a couple rehabs before i even met him, but not since I've been with him.  He did quit once for 5 years after his mother past away.  But we went to a wedding 3 years ago and he started drinking again, and has not stopped yet.  And in those 5 years that he did stop drinking he picked up another addition to replace the alcohol, marijuana. And he does know that he is an alcoholic but doesn't want to do anything about it.  They only thing we wants to quit doing is smoking cigs.  Myself I am a social drinker, and when he wanted to quit drinking after his mom past away i supported him and stopped drinking as well.  Right now his work has cut him down to working 2 days/week, and he party's all of the other days. He usually leaves after dinner, and is gone every night until 3,4,5 or 6am, when I'm getting up to go to work.  And as result he sleeps in until 2pm in the afternoon.  I am struggling on what my next step should be, i am so depressed and hurt that I'm lost right now.  


Answer
Hi Debbie,



Thank you for selecting me to help with your question. I hope to give you some useful feedback.



One thing I am encouraging all my questioners to do is to read this very illuminating article here on the web: http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/addicts_dilemna.html



This one of the finest descriptions of why alcoholics and addicts do, think, and say what they do, leading to so much frustration and conflict among family members.



I see that you have been patient and supportive with your husband, recognizing that addictive behaviors are very difficult to manage.  No doubt, for a time, your husband recognized the benefit of stopping drinking, but rationalized the use of marijuana.  This is quite common, as often marijuana is considered non-problematic compared with other "severe" substances of abuse.  Our philosophy of treatment generally is that someone has not truly embraced or achieved recovery when they are substituting one drug for another.  We often run into conflicts with our clients who feel their use of marijuana is benign.



Now that your husband is working fewer hours, and probably not feeling as productive or as much as a contributor to the family welfare, he is left with more time to be vulnerable to addictive behaviors.  Hopefully he will find other employment which, besides the financial benefits, will give him a better self-image and draw him away from drinking environments he can be more exposed to with more free time.



I usually approach these situations by encouraging a balance of pressure on the substance user with additional patience, understanding, and even assistance in finding treatment resources. Also vitally important is to assess the impact the addictive behaviors are having on the family.  If he is abusive, aggressive, violent, or causing other strains like draining finances of the household, I usually recommend a more assertive approach.  I feel it is necessary for the family to be protected from the fallout from addictive behaviors.  This can be a very damaging environment for young children.



I would definitely recommend you seek out support for yourself, either in the form of al-anon or counseling, or both.  Your local treatment program might be willing to offer some form of an intervention, if the traditional style of doing so might not be feasible.  This web sites describes a typical intervention:



http://www.hazelden.org/web/public/faqintervention.page

http://www.intervention.com/faqfintv.html#what



I would sit down with him when the children are sleeping or away, and have a frank conversation about what you feel.  Note very carefully his response, as that will educate you as to how to proceed further.  If he shuts you down completely, denying a problem or the need for change (or treatment) you may have to resort to legal means to compel him to get treatment.



If he agrees he has a problem, let him seek out and utilize whatever means he feels can help him.  He's been in rehabs, so knows what happens there.  No doubt he knows what happens in AA. He should be willing to do something, and be willing to do it soon.



Change comes slowly, but there should be some indication of it.  If you see none at all, consider the welfare of yourself and children to be your priority and act accordingly.



I with you the best,

Peter