Alcholic Wife

Question
I have been married to my wife for 13 years.  We have two kids 11 and 6.  I have been dealing with her drinking and everything the goes with it for most of the 13 years.  I get verbally abused nightly, she drinks and drives with the kids etc.  I am tired.  I think I still love my wife, but not sure she will ever change.  I am afraid to leave because I cannot take the chance that the courts will give her custody.  I cannot prove this problem.  My kids are my first priority.  For all of our sakes, something got to give.  Help.


Answer
Tom,

   Thank you for your message.



   I feel your pain knowing that she has a problem that she will not face and that she is endangering the kids much less making your life a living hell.  I hear your concern for your kids and that they are very important to you.



   Your cry for help is one that too many people face on a daily basis.  Many of those will not have the courage to step out and do something different because of fear.  I think you are there as well and perhaps you are using the kids as an excuse not to do the next tough thing.  Even saying you still love your wife may be an excuse to not face the fear.



    I hope that is not too hard to hear but I believe it is something you must face at this point.  If one steps out in faith and asking for guidance from God, one will find that all the worry and angst was nothing more than fear.  If you can really look at why you are afraid to do something then perhaps you will be able to make a move.  Any move is better than just sitting where you are.



    First alternatives - your vows of marriage were for sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, till death do you part.  This is one of those kinds of things that the vow includes.  Is it right that she is in the throes of a disease known as alcoholism and won't do anything about it? No.  Is it right for you to stay and suffer because of her alcoholism? Not completely. If you have not done so already (and you probably have# then I suggest that you begin to lay down the law to her as to what the consequences are for continued bad behavior and failure to address her issue.  The possibility she could lose the children should be made known to her and that you will seek full custody. It does not matter if she says she will win - you have to make a move.  Addressing her alcoholism and laying down the rules of the future is the right thing to do. If she has not been told to seek out alcoholics anonymous, then she needs to be told now.  By making these rules known, you will have made known to her that you are serious about the situation.  Then you can make a decision about your vows - do I stay married or do I leave?



     If you reach this point and say you are leaving then this is alternative two.  Begin the formal process of separation and divorce #if it has to come to that) and do not look back and do not use any excuses for making this decision.  The kids are not to enter into the decision NOT to move forward with separation.  If she will not address the alcohol problem chances are she will lose the custody battle anyway.  If she endangers the kids while drinking, by all means, have her arrested for child endangerment.  It might be just the ticket to get her to look at herself.  Clearly, you must look out for the well being of the children without considering her embarrassment, humiliation, etc.  This is her issue not yours.



    I see these are your alternatives.  Either way you will be moving in some direction rather than sitting in fear.



    I hope this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.



Grace and Peace,

Clyde