alcholic ex

Question
Thanks for taking the time to read this.  I was involved with an alcoholic for 3 years.  For the first 6 months he was in and out of hospital after drinking binges.  He would drink for 4 days or so, dry out for a few then do it all again.  He then decided he wanted to join the army, he felt it would give him direction. I supported him in this so moved from my home into his while he was away and cared for his teenage children. Of course he came home on leave for Xmas etc and but all he did was drink. He was then posted to the other side of the country so the kids and I packed up and moved to be with him.  His time in the forces lasted 2 years all up.  They discharged him because of his drinking, he was awol a lot.  I couldn't take any more, he was drunk more than he was sober.  In fact if you added up the total days together he was sober the whole time, they wouldn't come to more than a couple of months.  I moved back to my home town to be with my family and friends.  That was 3 months ago.  Then I got a phone call a month ago out of the blue from him to say that he was giving up the drink for good.  He also seemed to think if he did this I would chuck everything in back here and go running back to the other side of the country again!  I doubt very much that he is going to AA (he has only ever been when forced) and the only counselling he would be receiving is minimal. He has also taken anti alcohol drugs in the past which he reports as not being helpful (especially the ones you can't drink on!!). My question is - do you think it is possible for someone like this who is an alcoholic and has been most of their adult life from what I can make out to all of a sudden make such a dramatic change almost over night.  I'm not about to make any dramatic changes to my life like dropping everything and running across the country again but if I thought there was reason for optimism I would keep in contact with him and see where it goes.  On the other hand, I'm working hard to get my life back on track and don't want to sabotage myself by hanging on to what may not be worth hanging on to. We are both in our 40's. Hope this makes sense.  Thanks for your time.


Answer
Hi Anne,



Going from your description of

this guy's drinking I would say

he may have good intentions but

I do not believe he can just quit

an alcohol addiction.



He has probably made promises before

and swore off drinking but that just

doesn't cut it.

This is typical behaviour of alcoholics

as they struggle with finding an easier

softer way of recovering.

Most are just manipulators trying to get their

girlfriends back.



Recovery is rare and difficult. It requires

constant personal work on thoughts, emotions,

and spirituality. It affects all aspects

of a person and requires work on

all these levels to gain any long term recovery.

This is why AA can succeed if a person can

get over their false pride and false hopes

that they can quit on their own.



Without help I fear he will be back drinking before

long. He may talk well but that is not enough.

Love and promises do not stop alcoholism.



You are wise to use caution to prevent

yourself from getting back on that

merry-go-round of grief.

You probably have hopes of him making a turn around.

This is possible but may take many years

and a commitment to recovery which makes no

excuses and includes steady AA for at least a year or more.



He will need AA support if he is to succeed.

If he is still fighting his pride then

he will only suffer more.

Someday he will have to stop fighting

and accept help if he wants to live.



If you feel compelled to involve yourself

with him, then you need to work on

your own co-dependence and letting go.



I wish you both well.